Bikini Spring Break

[StevePulaski]

Bikini Spring Break (2012)
Directed by: Jared Cohn

Rating: ★★

Bikini Spring Break is one stock instrumental song and softcore sex scene away from being the perfect late-night, Skinemax fare and should be treated/critiqued like a film from the genre that decided to deviate off-course and venture into feature-film, raunchy comedy territory. Films like these are always an interesting breed, a breed I find myself sneering at or simply ignoring as their life is generally defined by existing in a Redbox machine or a lonely DVD shelf, bearing throwaway covers, horrible acting, and a screenplay dedicated to the appreciation of breasts and buttocks in a juvenile, crass sense rather than an artistic one.

Biking Spring Break lures one in with the assumption it will be just that, but also a film with some more intriguing promise in the comedy realm, while in reality, its existence is heavily questionable and its overall effect is moot at best. Never in my life would I have thought a film with its title could be such a dreary slog through prepubescent humor and bikini-clad drudgery, but even the immature soul inside me couldn't muster up enough excitement to be anything other than momentarily entertained by such a ridiculous and redundant film. This film desperately needed a visit from the likes of B-movie, softcore guru Jim Wynorski, who could take all the breasts in this film and put them to more of an artistic, humorous use with more flair and excitement.

The film follows a group of college-age coeds, who are a part of their community college's marching band, run by the lackadaisical and careless Gil (Robert Carradine). Despite being abysmal marchers, the girls of the group are incredibly passionate about what they do, frequently trying to make the best out of every situation and win over the hearts of the crowd. The girls now must make it to a competition hundreds of miles away, but realize this plan has become a near impossibility with their bus breaking down and in dire need of a new motor. Being its spring break weekend, the girls realize their only hope of gathering up the money to either rent a new bus or fix their current one is to take part in some racy spring break activities, such as Jello-wrestling and wet t-shirt contests, all while trying to resist the call of a local activist who is trying to ban nudity at all spring break events.

I don't really bother focusing too much of my reviews on the quality of acting because it's difficult to analyze "good" or "bad" acting without providing specific examples and evolving past basic generalities that are clouded by buzzwords. However, the acting in Bikini Spring Break deserves a mention for its array of uninspired actresses. Most of the actresses read lines as if they are testing them out through the first table read, while others recite lines with the same kind of dreary stiffness you'd expect out of a group of people who were forced against their will to be a part of someone's passion project. The only one who seems to actually be trying here is Carradine and even he isn't worth noting too much.

The biggest issue with the film is a common one with these direct-to-DVD films that convey the idea and assumption of debauchery and lewd events when they deliver so very little of those things. It's a problem I call "promise vs. delivery," where the film occasionally wants to be dirty and quite graphic but overall doesn't want to go that far. If you're film is titled "Bikini Spring Break" and you cop out at the occasional breast-shot and wet t-shirt contest, it's the equivalent of mentally preparing yourself for a party and knocking back two light beers before saying "I quit."

Bikini Spring Break at least has the saving grace of being consistently funny in a mild-to-moderate sense, never making the audience bust a gut but at least throwing in enough laughs to where the comedy brand of the film is at least alive and kicking. Yet even with such humor can't make up for the abundance of poor acting and incredible lack of the exact thing the film should boast and embrace. The entire project feels like one of direct-to-DVD cinema's greatest cop outs.

NOTE: I didn't discover until shortly after writing this review that Bikini Spring Break was released by The Asylum, a film company that has predicated their very existence off of very low budget action movies and cheap, poorly-conceived "mockbusters," or films that bear similar features to recent theatrical releases of the time. Bikini Spring Break is actually The Asylum's take on Harmony Korine's Spring Breakers and perfectly shows how one can be a stimulating critique of society and the other can be challenged for a very reason to exist.

Starring: Rachel Alig, Virginia Pertucci, and Robbert Carradine. Directed by: Jared Cohn.