Piranha 3DD Jun 1, 2012 22:07:12 GMT -5
Post by StevePulaski on Jun 1, 2012 22:07:12 GMT -5
The rides at the "Big Wet" water-park come with a very, very fatal price.
Piranha 3DD is the first 3D film, or "3DD" film in this case, to be released both theatrically and through video on demand. I wouldn't even call this 3D. All you get are creatures, breasts, blood, water, and vomit careening towards the camera amateurishly and in an unnecessary fashion. At least it's in bright colors and not dimmed with a ludicrous surcharge.
The film is an affront to the genre of horror-comedy, shielded by the unacceptable and numbing phrase "leave your brain at the door," and atrociously erected off of cliches, idiocy, and nude characters. The original Piranha 3D was a surprising summer success, and to be fair, it wasn't horrifically awful. The actors in it knew they were in a goofy, outrageous B-movie ode, and some sequences were well arranged. The problem? The CGI, which killed many of the death scenes, making them look implausible and unrealistic, virtually killed the mood and the idea that this was a low budget, cheesy horror flick.
And now, the marginally passable horror flick has a sequel leaching off of it, that pushes the envelope of parody so far that it becomes dreadfully incompetent. It is so indulgent, always trying to be so witty and cute with its puns, references, and spoof-elements that the stench of desperation quickly fogs the screen.
Instead of a beach, this time, we are taken to a water-park, ran by the royally perverted and careless step-dad of our main character (Koecher). He is so pre-occupied with prepubescent fantasies that he ignores everyone around him completely. His daughter Maddy (Panabaker), co-owner of the water-park and aspiring marine biologist, is concerned that with the rumor of piranhas swimming through sewers and drain pipes that they may be a hazard to the park. Her step-dad doesn't listen, and it isn't before long that he gets his comeuppance.
The remainder of the picture is a mindless shows for the kiddies, containing more breasts than anything I've seen this whole year, sometimes even two or more pairs per frame. The film is so juvenile, crass, and filthy-minded, and the characters so impotent, one-note, and poor that one can not help either drifting away while watching or just simply not caring.
There is a degrading, nasty scene in the film I'd like to discuss. It involves a piranha festering around the part of a woman that goes without saying, before it leapfrogs and jumps out onto that part of a man that goes without saying, before he has to cut the whole thing off with scissors. The scene is nothing short of unnecessary and borderline reprehensible.
One thing that Piranha 3D had was the star-power its sequel woefully lacks. It had the appearances of great actors like Elizabeth Shue, Jerry O'Connell, Ving Rhames, and Christopher Lloyd, showing despite their well deserved success, could still pull off a campy exercise relatively well. Lloyd makes a cameo in a scene far too short, Rhames does too and earns the only laughs the picture sees, and David Hasselhoff, portraying himself as a lifeguard, shows us why he has fallen off the face of the mainstream world in the first place.
Now, maybe I'm being too brazen and unfair. Piranha 3DD is a fairly harmless piece of work, but not a good one at that. Its structure of scantily clad women, many full-frontally nude, phoned-in characters, too little, too late cameos, third rate special effects, and cheap, nonexistent suspense wears so thin so quickly it becomes appalling. I have no problem with horror, even when it creates a hybrid with the neighboring genre of comedy, but this is a work of hybrid indulgence and overkill.
NOTE: The film ends the same way Piranha 3D ended, with an abrupt, unsuspecting scene that provides us with one last quick jump and conveniently leaves the franchise open for another sequel. Though with the very secluded release of this sequel, I wouldn't put all my money on "3DDD" so quickly.
Starring: Danielle Panabaker, Matt Bush, David Koechner, Chris Zylka, Katrina Bowden, Gary Busey, Christopher Lloyd, and David Hasselhoff. Directed by: John Gaulger.