Cultural Insanity: Special Edition Week 2 - Rocky

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No Cheap Shots


Rocky
(1976 / directed by John G. Avildsen)

★★★

Is Rocky the amazing story of a great American triumph? No. For that to be true, fighting Apollo Creed would have to involve something that Rocky had been struggling against prior to The Big Fight. Such as his reputation as a bum (thanks in no small part to his day job as a money collector for the local mobman), people talking down to him because they think he's dumb (while we all know he's a really smart guy), or his turbulent 6-year relationship with would-be trainer and manager Mickey. In this movie, everything sorts itself out. Which I'm not saying never happens in real life, but... think about it: what does lasting those 15 rounds really prove for him? That he was a good fighter all along? But, didn't he and Adrian come to an agreement earlier on; something about only an idiot or a crazy person wants to be a fighter? That he's only doing this for the money, because he can't sing or dance for a living? So, his lasting the 15 rounds is almost the same as saying the point of the accomplishment is that he'll be able to keep doing it. Even though Adrian seems pretty worried that something bad will happen to him and Mickey sure has a lot of horror stories about what any opponent will do to the other guy if a fighter doesn't have a manager. Meanwhile, we see gym scene after gym scene packed with guys in training, so many that there isn't enough locker space, and Creed has to look through a huge book full of guys to pick his challenger in Philadelphia alone... so, the unofficial point of the movie could be that Rocky is no more than one in a million.

Thankfully, the movie isn't as much about boxing as it is about his life at home and on the streets. Which conflicts (as far as I can see) with what he has to do to make a living. But... yeah, this movie is almost more about Adrian. Rocky is a really nice guy and cares about the kids in his neighborhood (enough to even counsel a girl on how she'll get a bad reputation- and not the kind you're thinking of) but Adrian's the one who has a pretty full character arc. Ignoring the religious stuff (Why? Just... why? And if Rocky prays before he goes out to fight and Creed doesn't, does that make him a heathen? Thanks for forcing me to ask these questions, movie- NOT!), she's shy to the point of seeming severely psychologically damaged, then without going all religious on us she transforms into a passionate lover, a supportive girlfriend, and then shouts down the film's violent, baseball bat-wielding drunk, stands up for herself, and packs her stuff and gets the fuck out of that house. Easy to like Adrian, after awhile. The rest of the relationships- you just sit and watch them do whatever they're going to do. As they probably would in real life. Has anyone noticed lately that real life isn't as dramatic as it could be? In the case of this film, though it could easily be more challenging, I'm not complaining.

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Where's Your Head At?


Rocky II
(1979 / directed by Sylvester Stallone)

★★

Rocky was about an underdog who almost won the big fight... and Rocky II is about an underdog who tries not to fight but is forced to by circumstance and wins. So, what do we learn? The thrill of glory and compromising yourself to make money are more important than trying to better your brain. Which is what Rocky could do and needs to do to improve his station in life. Which is his goal, early on he starts searching for a desk job. The film even questions his ability to read, upon which he begins reading all the time. And later writing poetry. Yet the film offers him no opportunity to use these skills to make him money. Are times too tough? The film basically portrays Rocky and Adrian's money problems as a result of his over-spending of the Apollo Fight 1 earnings. In case you hadn't noticed, Rocky II is confusing. Nothing makes this point more clear than Adrian's constant reservations that he never go back to fighting. Well, one premature baby birth and a week-long coma later... she's completely turned around. "Win!" She even watches the entire fight on TV. Because the thrill of glory and compromising yourself... wait, I already said that. Well, this thrill of glory stuff is catchy. It makes characters forget about things like brain damage and how chances are this fight will ruin Rocky's eye.

No, Rocky II is not a worthy sequel. However, it certainly is awkward and casually (pointlessly) confrontational. From the camera angles to the editing to the characters, everyone is constantly in someone else's face. This cools after awhile but for the first 35 or so minutes, the movie is just bouncing from one lightweight conflict to another. The worst being when Rocky agrees to shoot a television commercial for a man's aftershave lotion. Do we really need a movie like this making stereotypes about Hollywood, with "its" fussy, two-faced, whiny "artiste"s shouting cliches like "I only work with professionals!!" The film aims for artiness and romanticization but there's no romance in the story. Rocky's brain damage is sort of used as a defense for his behavior being a little less humble and more obnoxious. And saying some of the dumbest things you've ever heard Stallone say in a movie. After he's asked, "how do you feel about investing in condominiums?", he replies: "I never use them." Just imagine him rambling on more than he did in the first movie. But louder. The drama couldn't be more half-baked and insincere. There's even a scene where all the children of the world (they run down a street with flags of different nations hanging off a bunch of poles) cheer him on. Yet, I had my hopes high- knowing Stallone took over directing duties. He has a strange kinky streak in his filmmaking (the baseball scenes here are a good indicator). And I LOVED the jivin' music score!!

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I Pity the Fool


Rocky III
(1982 / directed by Sylvester Stallone)

★★½

Rocky was a decent character drama. Rocky II was a lousy character drama. Rocky III, however, takes a truly novel approach in the franchise: comedy. Why? Beats me (pun alert). I guess they finally figured out there are only so many ways to get Rocky in the ring while arguing that what he really needs to do is stay out of it. Both become apparent about 10 minutes in when Rocky takes part in the world's most insane wrestling match EVER. Beyond theatricality, and beyond arguing that Rocky is softening up as he spends all his glory days after beating Apollo in Fight 2 getting rich and bathing in fan adulation... this is Sylvester Stallone-versus-Hulk Hogan we're talking here. The only wrestler tough enough to scare the Gremlins. And though this was 8 years later, the point is that Rocky's opponents in this movie are kinda world renowned 80's mainstream-camp icons (and let's not forget this little gem of a commercial Mr. T starred in). And none of this is even scratching the surface of the drama the movie actually tries to bring into the fold. This comes from Rocky wanting to retire because he's done his thing and he probably wants more time with his family, he's finally learned how to deal with "Hollywood" and landed big money publicity gigs. T is the new obstacle that absurdly and illogically argues: anyone who insists Rocky was never a great fighter (because all his title challengers to follow Apollo were in Mickey's words has-beens) or, in this movie's case, insults his wife, will get a shot at The Big Fight with him. Basically, Rocky's pride is stubborn and stupid as ever (as was Apollo's in the last film).

But... while this sort of thing would (and did) bother me in the first 2 films... in Rocky III, with so much of it being utterly laughable (Mr. T, and every word that comes out of his character's mouth, is concrete proof of that), it's a plus. Aside from being highly riffable, a lot of the flaws of the 2nd film are fixed- most importantly with Rocky himself. He's the same guy you remember from the first film. Not nearly as loud with his chattiness. Furthermore, while this film was bound to aim low to stir up conflict, this time that's not a problem. Burt Young's drunken brother-in-law Pauley's jealousy is a part of the story for maybe 4 minutes, long enough for him to have something resembling a 'Nam-flashback (in an arcade... don't ask me why his character would ever go to one). Which is also an adequate way to describe Rocky's training montages after his first fight with Mr. T. And, from minute 1- all the previous crap (hypocritical) drama about how Rocky must give up fighting for his health is tossed out the window. I've always been a big believer in a sequel creating its' own rules and not needing to follow continuity. If only then, this sequel could've done away with this cliche that followed us from part II: if there is any drama in Rocky's life AT ALL- he can't concentrate on his training. Forget for a moment how much of it is ridiculous. For example- Mickey's death is kind of hard to believe. Not because he isn't old. But, a doctor can show up and decide to just stay there... These people haven't heard of calling ambulances? It's not like they need Rocky's approval before they do. And this is a sporting arena, people do get hurt there. If the people who own this place don't have ambulances just waiting in the parking lot... I dunno- I'd be worried about insurance risks if I were them.

And then... there's Apollo. Oh...Apollo. He walks into the story with an offer to train Rocky in place of dead-Mickey because he has a secret favor he wants from Rocky. Which he has allegedly wanted since he lost the big fight (#1 or 2? I don't know). He even wants Rocky to wear his trunks from the first movie. Did I mention that Stallone is a really kinky director? (A conclusion most easily ascertained after 1983's Staying Alive.) As trainer, and because this movie has (in my opinion) the best shot fight scenes (by far, thus far) in which Rocky doesn't actually do more hitting with his face than with his fists, he teaches Rocky so well that T - invincible in Fight #1 - is turned into a ragdoll for Fight #2. But, apparently the movie's new theme song is such a great motivator (as a title), that he spends at least half his time onscreen mumbling "eye of the tiger... eye of the tiger... eye of the tiger." Maybe it's the hilarious slow-mo, but: this movie is drunk (whatever it takes to get Apollo to admit he wants to become 'friendlier' with Rocky). For the purpose of entertainment value, turns out that's a good thing.

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I! Live in Ameeerrricaaa...


Rocky IV
(1985 / directed by Sylvester Stallone)

★★

So... for all the stuff that wreaks of "been there, done that" with this franchise, you may not have noticed that Stallone (as director) has an affinity for trying to change the franchise. From story focus (Pauley's gratitude, the severity of the damage Rocky's fights do to his body, the influence of money over how seriously Rocky takes his training, and how much a death or near-death of a loved one allows Rocky to drop the ball - yet, still he's won every single Big Fight finale in the eyes of the audience) to its' entire genre. From drama to bad drama to comedy. Well, things are as ridiculous this time around. Only problem now is... it's just not funny anymore. This could be attributed to how much Dolph Lundgren is literally treated by the film as The Terminator. With stinger cues and everything, suggesting that no one will even survive a match with him. (And, yeah, we all know Apollo dies in this film and by the hands of a boxer- it's heavy, good for drama... but, people: Rocky goes 15 rounds with this guy and he KILLS Apollo in like 2. There is an actual disconnect between what should be happening in the story and what does happen, logically.) Which isn't even the height of how ridiculous things get in this movie. Though, sadly, the movie really does not want you to laugh at it. Which really tempts me; it makes me want to argue that Rocky was never a movie series for people who have been through something tough or real in life. Though, something in that very contradiction is exactly why people loved these movies (and made them considerable box office blockbusters) to begin with.

You also have to wonder, when the first 2 movies were working overtime to make Apollo Creed look unbeatable by so many people, could the makers of the movies have imagined Mr. T would come along or that they could conceivably make him look even tougher somehow. And, of course... how? I guess by making him a lot less human. Now, they've managed to create a legitimate robot. In a movie with other robots in it; and I'm actually not referring to the nation of Russia so much as that little Johnny-5 number they drag in, first as the toy of Rocky Jr., then as a surrogate wife for Pauley (whose mouth is still far too big- though to be fair, he was more annoying in Part III). But, let's go back to Mr. T for a minute- the franchise already had their "No, no- I underestimated him, he's way too strong" moment. How do they think they can top that (enough to warrant a 4th film)? They just reduce the amount of time Rocky or Apollo get one decent punch in on Drago. And, of course, by shooting them standing toe-to-toe with each other. Which is the same as implying: Now, Rocky, you take on Thunderlips for real (because, toe to toe, Dolph is something like a foot taller). Which nobody watching thought was humanly possible and, had those moves Hulk Hogan used been mistakably damaging, yeah, Rocky wouldn't have had a prayer against him (though, he still gets on his knees just the same- which is pretty hot when he's not wearing his robe).

This sequel is posing as more of an epic than any of the films before it, and yet it's packing most of what should be compelling about it into tight, music-driven segments. 91 minutes? I really don't like to stereotype but, in that time, what the movie gives us is entirely lacking whatever made the first film work, dramatically. And given the graveness and seriousness of its' tone (which could have been a welcomed refresher after Part III, still my favorite of the franchise), this is the one Rocky that probably should have been 2 and a half or 3 hours long. For a REALLY good triumph of the human spirit story, with amazing fight scenes to compliment the impossibility of beating the odds the film suggests is reality in the first 30 minutes (yo, Adrian), I'd give them 3 hours. Or, frankly, if I wanted to spend 91 minutes on this music video version of the previous stories, it needs more songs as good as "Livin' in America." This time, in the name of seriousness, Stallone's kinky streak as director is only evident in the music. Lots of stuff you really wouldn't expect to hear in a champ's Workout Mix. There's even an honest-to-cheeseballery music video stuck right in the middle of the movie. Though we haven't actually amassed enough story or Serious Dialogue to make one appropriate or necessary. But, they use stock footage of all the hardcore stuff from the previous films, so I guess that makes it okay.

And you've got to love how this movie views Russia / The USSR. As though not a single person in the nation is capable of casual conversation. As though they are all stone-cold, dead inside, and militant in every last mannerism. No frivolity anywhere, no mirth, no joy. And almost no smiling. In fact, Drago's wife smiles. Once... when Apollo dies. Yes, I applauded the previous film's ridiculousness but I don't remember that film taking itself this seriously. But, maybe it doesn't matter how the Russian is portrayed because this film argues America has the real heart. It can even break through a bulldozer (aka- The Russian). If a mountain toppled over onto Rocky... it would break right off because Rocky is America. Forget that Rocky is supposed to be a man and even a man with America in his heart is not actually indestructable. Which is kinda what the previous films would have argued and did. But, did this movie succeed by having an exchange where one (lucky?) punch to the face takes Drago's mechanical system down a peg or two; or even make him human? Eventually, this becomes the closest thing resembling a saving grace for the film. Because Drago then receives a character arc (or shallow floatation device). I like Dolph (even though I fear most of the audience might have blindly hated him at the time because Rocky was the hero of the movies and people don't always separate an actor from the parts they play) and, seeing him fight against his own adversity is pretty exciting (better yet: grabbing that asshole dictator - or cultural embassador, or whatever - by the throat after he insults him in the final round).

I mean, really- wasn't the government the real evil the entire time? And his overly entrepreneuring (equally psychotic) wife? Too bad this doesn't exactly fit with the context of scenes like Apollo's death. Which was definitely intentional on the part of the wife and evident by the dark, frozen stare in Drago's eyes. He was taught to decide his opponent's death by the government? Hmmm... These films are the single worst argument against the classic belief that who you are isn't defined by what you do. Whether that be what you do for a living or how you live with yourself because of what you feel you have to do. This one maybe the worst of all... though, yeah, Part II really bothered me and that didn't have Dolph Lundgren in it. (Which is a career I'd very much love to sink my critical and ocular teeth into.) Of course, that's nothing compared to Rocky's little speech-of-the-world at the end of the movie. Where all the boundries of hate, racial/ethnic intolerance, and war were broken... by a boxing match. That's right, all those people who weren't watching it or there in crowd attendance? Yeah, they're going to start "CHANGING" too. Because the victory of America in a boxing ring will fix all the world's problems... Sorry, but that's such a load that I'm one day closer to becoming a legal Canadian. By the way, as a final observation: this movie tries to hang its' real "Rocky can do anything" message upon a sequence where Rocky climbs a mountain. You should see it, it's a heart-stopping 20 seconds (when he gets to the top).

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I Like 'Em Big and Stupid


Rocky V
(1990 / directed by John G. Avildsen)

★½

Well, I just watched Rocky V (obviously) and... here's how that went: Spent 30% of the movie seriously taking it apart in my head, another 30% in What-the-Fuck Reaction Mode (I expect everyone else who wastes their time on it will spend about 85% here), and something like 40% drooling over Tommy Morrison (the new BG East catalog just came in, it was a particularly man-meaty day for me). When that guy turned around, I saw nobody else onscreen. What do you need to know about Rocky V? It's as bad as you've heard, although the first shot of the actual 5th film (you know they all begin with a replay of the previous film's Big Fight finale) is of still adonis-quality Sylvester Stallone completely naked, so... it sure started off on the right foot. As soon as he's off the plane, there's ANOTHER ASSHOLE up in his face telling him he has to fight (although this time the film tries to show the media are bloodthirsty psychos with "you owe us" attitudes, so they're helping). Followed by another black guy challenging him and Rocky thinking: okay, why not? This is before Adrian takes him to get a brainscan/catscan and he sees that one more fight will turn him into a Larry the Cable Guy fan. This should be proof enough for him but... based on the pattern already set by the 2nd film, you tell me what you think is going to happen. Yep: Rocky's pride is offended and he ends up in the fight anyway, so all the movie can do is end it with Adrian smiling (even though she knows a good 10 punches will make getting a garden to plant her husband in a necessity). It does, she does- all ends well. Thanks to the power of Burgess Meredith Cameo, Rocky defies every natural law in existence and becomes indestructable. Everyone does exactly the dumbest thing they can, save for one killer Adrian Speech- proving she's the smartest in the family. Again, fighting solves all your problems (like father, like son- so I'm not even going to bother with beautiful, and recently deceased, Sage Stallone's storyline), don't even worry that those actions can have consequences of their own. Watching this, unless you're a huge fan of Tommy Morrison or you're dying to hear that great Adrian speech (if an Oscar could be awarded for just one scene- Talia Shire would have a real claim on the one for 1990), is nothing but a waste of time. I only walk away from it with fond memories of Tommy in Apollo Creed's trunks.