Post by nopersonality on Jan 30, 2010 7:08:27 GMT -5
*note:
The order of the episodes you see below is not in their original TV airing. #'s 1 and 3 are in fact switched because the CryptKeeper intro for "Episode 3" (aka- Dig That Cat... He's Real Gone) is the one where the 'Keeper is first introduced and also talks about his Crypt for the first time. In the first episode to air (The Man Who Was Death), the 'Keeper is seen looking at a bug zapper and isn't wearing his once-trademark hood over his head. Also, the show's pilot episode wasn't either one of these. Shockingly, it's "Episode 2" (aka- And All Through the House). So, truly there are 3 different 1st episodes. The first to air, the one that got the show the greenlight, and the one the CryptKeeper first introduces. CONFUSING, isn't it?
★★
There's no scholarly way to introduce this series. We all know what it is. It's a one-of-a-kind horror-comedy show about... well, bad luck for everyone, and bad people who get what they deserve almost every time. Oh, and the world-famous twist endings. Making the unexpected a nightmarish reality. The horror is often gory and twisted. The stories are often sleazy and sick. And sometimes... there's a little deep drama and touching tragedy. This first season tries the hardest of all 7 to be shocking and dark. And for the most part comes off depressingly campy. But that does have its' charms.
June 10, 1989
Episode #1: "Dig That Cat...He's Real Gone"
Plot:
Homeless bum Ulric suddenly becomes a wealthy carnival superstar, known as "Ulric the Undying," a man who is killed over and over again... but keeps coming back to life. Impossible, right? The trick? He's the experiment of a brilliant doctor who transfered the 9 lives of a cat into Ulric. Now he dies nightly at a carnival to an exhilirated crowd of spectators and makes a killing doing it. However, when greed and back-stabbing become part of the act, Ulric's time may become more limited than he thinks.
This first episode about the sensationalism of carnival attractions, the glamour of killing and dying, and the horrible things people will do for money is very successful due to one thing- it actually feels like a carnival attraction. It's flashy and amusingly lurid. Style over the need for substance. And the sheer personality of the characters Batman's Robert Wuhl and The Sopranos' Joe Pantoliano portray keep your eye on the screen. It's simple entertainment at its' finest- sensational violence. The acting is very good. The pacing is steady.
Episode #2: "And All Through the House"
Plot:
A horrible housewife murders her husband on Christmas Eve! Her motivation? Money, of course. He's worth a fortune dead. And now she's free to do whatever she wants, providing she can dispose of the body. Easy, right? Not this Christmas Eve... because the radio reports that a demented madman has escaped from the local asylum and has been hacking up women all night, while wearing a Santa Claus suit. Now with this insane killer after her, she has to save herself as well as take care of hiding the evidence from her heinous crime. To make matters worse, she just can't get her young daughter Carrie, who's excited to sneak a peak at Santa, to go to sleep. This night of unholy horror will be anything but silent!
I don't know if this is supposed to be so obvious (the tire-swing / window sequence), over-the-top (Mary Ellen Trainor's entire performance), or silly (her boyfriend's answering machine message)- but this is the pure definition of fun. It's just cliche after cliche after cliche done speedy, tense, nasty, and funny. A beautiful tracking shot done to a Nat King Cole song unbroken as a fire poker (one of my favorite and underused movie-murder instruments) murder is commited. And then, the always entertaining Larry Drake (Dr. Giggles) as a loony-eyed, black-toothed, ax-toting, grease-faced killer santa looking like he just escaped from prison. And, of course - Mary Ellen Trainor's (The Goonies) face. I don't know what shocked her more: the killer climbing up the ladder to her daughter's open window or getting hit over the head by a clump of snow fallen from her roof. It's also worth mentioning (the blonde connection), that there's a dolly shot that looks like it was stolen from Fatal Attraction- when she drops the phone and runs to the other side of the house (I think it was when she looked out the window at a dead body to see the ax was missing). Like I said: pure horror fun. It doesn't get better than this.
Episode #3: "The Man Who Was Death"
Plot:
Niles Talbot lives for one thing... killing people. And, guess what? It's 100% legal too. See, Niles is a switch-thrower for the state executioner. He electrocutes people for a living. Well, that is, until popular vote repeals the death penalty- putting him out of work. Now his days are occupied by long walks down the city streets, looking at junkies and prostitutes. And reading in the paper about all the murderers going free because of improperly-worded arrest warrants and malinformed juries. This doesn't sit right with him. Not at all. So, he decides to take his talent for killing on the road as a freelance executioner.
One of the best-photographed and best-looking Crypt episodes. It's well-cast, well-acted, and has pretty good ideas all around. It's also incredibly pretentious and unfortunately narrated throughout. Far beyond the point where you just want this guy to shut up already. This is a sad thing, because in terms of characterization- I agreed with what he was doing and thought he had pretty good judgment. The problem is that we get to know him much too well. He doesn't talk just shop. And that's a shame. His job is all he's good at. He's a void as a human being, so we don't want to hear all his thoughts on life and the world around him. Death is his expertise and had he stuck to that, there'd be no problems. Also, a very predictable ending which doesn't come soon enough. Skippable.
June 14, 1989
Episode #4: "Only Sin Deep"
Plot:
Sylvia Vane is a hooker with a bad attitude who's obsessed with her looks. She also wants off the streets for good and has her sights set on a beautiful blond businessman with a luxury apartment who throws a private party every night. To land him, she robs her best friend's pimp and offers his stuff to a creepy pawn shop man who's much more interested in her beauty. He makes a deal with her- $10,000 cash to make a plaster-cast mold of her face. She has 4 months to redeem her receipt ticket and get her beauty back. She thinks him crazy and gets her rich man. 4 months later... she looks in the mirror and sees that she's becoming uglier every day. And it's too late to get her looks back. But Ms. Vane has killed before to get what she wants and has no problem doing it again.
This one is such a fun flashback to cheese cinema of the late 80's / early 90's, a lot of it featuring trendy visions of the high-cheese big-money lifestyle of the city rich. Lots of white women's dress-suits with huge buttons and art-gallery apartment parties. And of course, a hooker as a main character (this being the same era as Pretty Woman, around half a year earlier) who gets a makeover and becomes accustomed to the high-life. And with music that sounds like the twin brother of Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child (except for the horrible stuff at the apartment party). And, naturally a plot about the horror of aging is a good change from the typical slashers and monsters. There are a couple of little problems here, though. Lea Thompson's accent is one. She sounds like a man. It's that simple. She's trying to channel some deep New York / Brooklyn thing, and failing miserably. Then, how fast she hooks her blond beefy rich husband. And is he Mr. Perfect or what? Direct, generous, complimentary, and still as interested in her after the wedding and months of marriage as he was at the start. It just feels phony at times. He'll read a couple of lines like he wants to strangle her to death- both times he's asking her questions ("what are you- a psycho?!" and "what is this- the make-up counter at Macy's?!"). It shouldn't be this entertaining because it's pretty routine stuff. But it is very entertaining.
June 21, 1989
Episode #5: "Lover Come Hack to Me"
Plot:
Peggy and Charles are newlyweds on their way to hotel bliss so they can celebrate their honeymoon. She's a shy, mousy girl who's afraid of everything. He's an irritable rat in love with her vast wealth. However, when they are unable to make it to the hotel after they find a huge tree's fallen in the road, they're forced to spend the night in a decrepit old house with no phone. But there's a roaring fire. And a warm bed. And lots of candles... And a huge ax, hanging on the wall. Then it's time for bed and Peggy has a sexy surprise for Charles- she's more of a hellcat than she's let on. After the two make mad, passionate love, suddenly the ax goes missing. Does Charles have it; waiting for the perfect moment to kill Peggy for her money? Or, does Peggy have it; finally seeing through his lies and angry enough to kill him because of it? Or... is there someone else in the house? After all- the fire and the candles and the bed look like they were only recently put there...
This one had me hooked fast. The Crypt Keeper intro has him chopping a meat-cleaver (another favorite movie-murder instrument of mine) into a pile of gore. Then, the story kicks in with stark insinuations of greed and a "you'll be sorry" warning - both great story elements. Then, a very Dolls-like storm and big old haunted house that looks empty. Unlike Dolls though, this house is empty (ala- perhaps, Hell Night) and that makes it creepier. Not to mention the blue-lit storm outside is amazing with these production values. This little TV show ends up looking amazing. And then... Amanda Plummer: you've got a one-woman horror show right there. She could easily have been the Karen Black of her day. But even though this looks great and gets me into it fast... there's no ascension to the next level. You know? The opening 8 or so minutes just leads to an overly-long sex / seduction scene (these really work better in vampire horror tales, where you expect a lot of sexuality and or elements of romance) and a couple murders that are cool but come abruptly on the heels of the awful performance of Stephen Shellen as the gold-digging husband. Just when you think his performance couldn't get worse...he starts talking to himself. And a really way too bizarre twist. Not really worth sitting through all the way.
June 28, 1989
Episode #6: "Collection Completed"
Plot:
Jonas is a tool salesman who's just been retired. He should be ecstatic at the prospect of "sharing his golden years" with his sweet wife Anita... but he's not. He gets mad at everything. Every single thing. He's resentful of his company for not giving him a watch. He hates animals and Anita has a ton of pets. And... he can't seem to get anything he wants. He didn't want to be retired and can't find anything else to do, but he gets furious when he finds out what he's been working for was to feed the stray animals Anita lets in the house. He can't make up his mind- did he hate working or did he love it? Now, he's trapped in his house with his insane wife, an army of pets, and too much time on his hands. He decides to get a hobby. Can you guess what it is?
I've definitely been wondering to myself- what's the worst episode of Tales from the Crypt? Over the past 4 months, I've seen a few disappointing ones. And I've seen some bigtime stinkers. But this Mary Lambert (Pet Sematary) episode takes the cake! This one has an inhuman hateful streak a mile long and at every interval is a chore, a stretch of patience, and a test of heart to make it through... and for what? The most predictable twist of the entire series? Let me ruin it for you folks, after he kills and stuffs every pet but a cat and a few fish: she kills and stuffs him. I'd give Mary Lambert credit for having the guts for always trying to shock with her horror projects... but after Pet Sematary Two and this, I have to know... what the hell is her problem? Why does she hate animals so much? This is too-sick for anyone, especially someone of the sensitivity it must have taken to direct some of Madonna's finest videos! The single worst Crypt episode by far.
Here's what Lambert can do with a music video:
The order of the episodes you see below is not in their original TV airing. #'s 1 and 3 are in fact switched because the CryptKeeper intro for "Episode 3" (aka- Dig That Cat... He's Real Gone) is the one where the 'Keeper is first introduced and also talks about his Crypt for the first time. In the first episode to air (The Man Who Was Death), the 'Keeper is seen looking at a bug zapper and isn't wearing his once-trademark hood over his head. Also, the show's pilot episode wasn't either one of these. Shockingly, it's "Episode 2" (aka- And All Through the House). So, truly there are 3 different 1st episodes. The first to air, the one that got the show the greenlight, and the one the CryptKeeper first introduces. CONFUSING, isn't it?
★★
There's no scholarly way to introduce this series. We all know what it is. It's a one-of-a-kind horror-comedy show about... well, bad luck for everyone, and bad people who get what they deserve almost every time. Oh, and the world-famous twist endings. Making the unexpected a nightmarish reality. The horror is often gory and twisted. The stories are often sleazy and sick. And sometimes... there's a little deep drama and touching tragedy. This first season tries the hardest of all 7 to be shocking and dark. And for the most part comes off depressingly campy. But that does have its' charms.
June 10, 1989
Episode #1: "Dig That Cat...He's Real Gone"
Plot:
Homeless bum Ulric suddenly becomes a wealthy carnival superstar, known as "Ulric the Undying," a man who is killed over and over again... but keeps coming back to life. Impossible, right? The trick? He's the experiment of a brilliant doctor who transfered the 9 lives of a cat into Ulric. Now he dies nightly at a carnival to an exhilirated crowd of spectators and makes a killing doing it. However, when greed and back-stabbing become part of the act, Ulric's time may become more limited than he thinks.
This first episode about the sensationalism of carnival attractions, the glamour of killing and dying, and the horrible things people will do for money is very successful due to one thing- it actually feels like a carnival attraction. It's flashy and amusingly lurid. Style over the need for substance. And the sheer personality of the characters Batman's Robert Wuhl and The Sopranos' Joe Pantoliano portray keep your eye on the screen. It's simple entertainment at its' finest- sensational violence. The acting is very good. The pacing is steady.
★★★
Episode #2: "And All Through the House"
Plot:
A horrible housewife murders her husband on Christmas Eve! Her motivation? Money, of course. He's worth a fortune dead. And now she's free to do whatever she wants, providing she can dispose of the body. Easy, right? Not this Christmas Eve... because the radio reports that a demented madman has escaped from the local asylum and has been hacking up women all night, while wearing a Santa Claus suit. Now with this insane killer after her, she has to save herself as well as take care of hiding the evidence from her heinous crime. To make matters worse, she just can't get her young daughter Carrie, who's excited to sneak a peak at Santa, to go to sleep. This night of unholy horror will be anything but silent!
I don't know if this is supposed to be so obvious (the tire-swing / window sequence), over-the-top (Mary Ellen Trainor's entire performance), or silly (her boyfriend's answering machine message)- but this is the pure definition of fun. It's just cliche after cliche after cliche done speedy, tense, nasty, and funny. A beautiful tracking shot done to a Nat King Cole song unbroken as a fire poker (one of my favorite and underused movie-murder instruments) murder is commited. And then, the always entertaining Larry Drake (Dr. Giggles) as a loony-eyed, black-toothed, ax-toting, grease-faced killer santa looking like he just escaped from prison. And, of course - Mary Ellen Trainor's (The Goonies) face. I don't know what shocked her more: the killer climbing up the ladder to her daughter's open window or getting hit over the head by a clump of snow fallen from her roof. It's also worth mentioning (the blonde connection), that there's a dolly shot that looks like it was stolen from Fatal Attraction- when she drops the phone and runs to the other side of the house (I think it was when she looked out the window at a dead body to see the ax was missing). Like I said: pure horror fun. It doesn't get better than this.
★★★★
Episode #3: "The Man Who Was Death"
Plot:
Niles Talbot lives for one thing... killing people. And, guess what? It's 100% legal too. See, Niles is a switch-thrower for the state executioner. He electrocutes people for a living. Well, that is, until popular vote repeals the death penalty- putting him out of work. Now his days are occupied by long walks down the city streets, looking at junkies and prostitutes. And reading in the paper about all the murderers going free because of improperly-worded arrest warrants and malinformed juries. This doesn't sit right with him. Not at all. So, he decides to take his talent for killing on the road as a freelance executioner.
One of the best-photographed and best-looking Crypt episodes. It's well-cast, well-acted, and has pretty good ideas all around. It's also incredibly pretentious and unfortunately narrated throughout. Far beyond the point where you just want this guy to shut up already. This is a sad thing, because in terms of characterization- I agreed with what he was doing and thought he had pretty good judgment. The problem is that we get to know him much too well. He doesn't talk just shop. And that's a shame. His job is all he's good at. He's a void as a human being, so we don't want to hear all his thoughts on life and the world around him. Death is his expertise and had he stuck to that, there'd be no problems. Also, a very predictable ending which doesn't come soon enough. Skippable.
★★
June 14, 1989
Episode #4: "Only Sin Deep"
Plot:
Sylvia Vane is a hooker with a bad attitude who's obsessed with her looks. She also wants off the streets for good and has her sights set on a beautiful blond businessman with a luxury apartment who throws a private party every night. To land him, she robs her best friend's pimp and offers his stuff to a creepy pawn shop man who's much more interested in her beauty. He makes a deal with her- $10,000 cash to make a plaster-cast mold of her face. She has 4 months to redeem her receipt ticket and get her beauty back. She thinks him crazy and gets her rich man. 4 months later... she looks in the mirror and sees that she's becoming uglier every day. And it's too late to get her looks back. But Ms. Vane has killed before to get what she wants and has no problem doing it again.
This one is such a fun flashback to cheese cinema of the late 80's / early 90's, a lot of it featuring trendy visions of the high-cheese big-money lifestyle of the city rich. Lots of white women's dress-suits with huge buttons and art-gallery apartment parties. And of course, a hooker as a main character (this being the same era as Pretty Woman, around half a year earlier) who gets a makeover and becomes accustomed to the high-life. And with music that sounds like the twin brother of Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child (except for the horrible stuff at the apartment party). And, naturally a plot about the horror of aging is a good change from the typical slashers and monsters. There are a couple of little problems here, though. Lea Thompson's accent is one. She sounds like a man. It's that simple. She's trying to channel some deep New York / Brooklyn thing, and failing miserably. Then, how fast she hooks her blond beefy rich husband. And is he Mr. Perfect or what? Direct, generous, complimentary, and still as interested in her after the wedding and months of marriage as he was at the start. It just feels phony at times. He'll read a couple of lines like he wants to strangle her to death- both times he's asking her questions ("what are you- a psycho?!" and "what is this- the make-up counter at Macy's?!"). It shouldn't be this entertaining because it's pretty routine stuff. But it is very entertaining.
★★½
June 21, 1989
Episode #5: "Lover Come Hack to Me"
Plot:
Peggy and Charles are newlyweds on their way to hotel bliss so they can celebrate their honeymoon. She's a shy, mousy girl who's afraid of everything. He's an irritable rat in love with her vast wealth. However, when they are unable to make it to the hotel after they find a huge tree's fallen in the road, they're forced to spend the night in a decrepit old house with no phone. But there's a roaring fire. And a warm bed. And lots of candles... And a huge ax, hanging on the wall. Then it's time for bed and Peggy has a sexy surprise for Charles- she's more of a hellcat than she's let on. After the two make mad, passionate love, suddenly the ax goes missing. Does Charles have it; waiting for the perfect moment to kill Peggy for her money? Or, does Peggy have it; finally seeing through his lies and angry enough to kill him because of it? Or... is there someone else in the house? After all- the fire and the candles and the bed look like they were only recently put there...
This one had me hooked fast. The Crypt Keeper intro has him chopping a meat-cleaver (another favorite movie-murder instrument of mine) into a pile of gore. Then, the story kicks in with stark insinuations of greed and a "you'll be sorry" warning - both great story elements. Then, a very Dolls-like storm and big old haunted house that looks empty. Unlike Dolls though, this house is empty (ala- perhaps, Hell Night) and that makes it creepier. Not to mention the blue-lit storm outside is amazing with these production values. This little TV show ends up looking amazing. And then... Amanda Plummer: you've got a one-woman horror show right there. She could easily have been the Karen Black of her day. But even though this looks great and gets me into it fast... there's no ascension to the next level. You know? The opening 8 or so minutes just leads to an overly-long sex / seduction scene (these really work better in vampire horror tales, where you expect a lot of sexuality and or elements of romance) and a couple murders that are cool but come abruptly on the heels of the awful performance of Stephen Shellen as the gold-digging husband. Just when you think his performance couldn't get worse...he starts talking to himself. And a really way too bizarre twist. Not really worth sitting through all the way.
★★
June 28, 1989
Episode #6: "Collection Completed"
Plot:
Jonas is a tool salesman who's just been retired. He should be ecstatic at the prospect of "sharing his golden years" with his sweet wife Anita... but he's not. He gets mad at everything. Every single thing. He's resentful of his company for not giving him a watch. He hates animals and Anita has a ton of pets. And... he can't seem to get anything he wants. He didn't want to be retired and can't find anything else to do, but he gets furious when he finds out what he's been working for was to feed the stray animals Anita lets in the house. He can't make up his mind- did he hate working or did he love it? Now, he's trapped in his house with his insane wife, an army of pets, and too much time on his hands. He decides to get a hobby. Can you guess what it is?
I've definitely been wondering to myself- what's the worst episode of Tales from the Crypt? Over the past 4 months, I've seen a few disappointing ones. And I've seen some bigtime stinkers. But this Mary Lambert (Pet Sematary) episode takes the cake! This one has an inhuman hateful streak a mile long and at every interval is a chore, a stretch of patience, and a test of heart to make it through... and for what? The most predictable twist of the entire series? Let me ruin it for you folks, after he kills and stuffs every pet but a cat and a few fish: she kills and stuffs him. I'd give Mary Lambert credit for having the guts for always trying to shock with her horror projects... but after Pet Sematary Two and this, I have to know... what the hell is her problem? Why does she hate animals so much? This is too-sick for anyone, especially someone of the sensitivity it must have taken to direct some of Madonna's finest videos! The single worst Crypt episode by far.
Here's what Lambert can do with a music video: