Post by nopersonality on Feb 1, 2010 6:45:19 GMT -5
★★★½
After a quite disappointing (if you expected big things) first season, season 2 looked like a lost cause. But it turned out to be a huge success, with more than double the amount of great episodes from season 1. And really, when you consider how good most of season 2's episodes were, the inevitable season 3 had some huge shoes to fill. What could be seen as a first mistake- the show's budget was immediately cut down. Especially in the visual department. The cinematography now looks incredibly cheap. So, the directors were forced to find new ways to make their episodes look edgy. And well, they did. Mostly by building tension with editing instead of episodes reliant on cinematography. And by fully testing the limits of the sophisticted side of campy humor and the dark side of deadpan observational horror. This 3rd season shockingly bests the 2nd season in terms of consistency and delivers the most winner episodes of all Crypt's seasons. It never gets better than this!
Episode #1: "The Trap"
Plot:
Lou Paloma is an unkind man who can't keep a job or pay any of his bills. His wife Irene is worried; everyone is calling and they want their money now. But Lou is tired of not being able to live the way he wants, even after borrowing tons of money from everyone he knows. Suddenly he gets an idea! His life insurance policy is the only thing he's got that'll pay big, and his brother Billy's a coroner. Why not just fake his death? He has everything he needs to fake a convincing death. All he has to do is get Irene and Billy to go for it. But $500,000... would go a lot further... if it were split between two people, rather than three. Wouldn't it?
This one's a little silly (just look at the cast) but riotously funny at times. Especially during the accidental near-cremation, the Jury forewoman's much too-personal reading of the verdict, and Bruce McGill's angry explosion to sexy Carlos Lacamara's love of sunsets. It's a hasty little twister but, one can't say he didn't have it coming. A basic case of an ingrate who couldn't let well-enough alone. The creepy undertone could have been made much more overt, but I'm not complaining. This just isn't the first episode you're going to run to for terror. Perhaps it should have been kept toward the finale of the season. Carroll Baker (Kindergarten Cop) once again plays the mother from hell - nobody does it better!
★★★
Episode #2: "Loved to Death"
Plot:
Edward is an aspiring screenwriter with a love for the old Hollywood romantic classics. He struggles with just one thing, though. How do you write a classic romance when all the movies that are getting made are crude, trashy, and violent? He needs inspiration- a romance of his own. Then one day in the laundry room of his apartment building, he meets Miranda Singer, a sexy young starlet of B pictures who he becomes enamored with. If he could get a date with her - or better yet, get in bed with her - he might stop wanting to write sleazy sex scenes. His creepy landlord Mr. Stronham claims he has just what Edward needs; a love potion. While having drinks with her, he slips her the potion and she becomes enamored with him too. Now, everything's perfect- isn't it? Well... not exactly. Because when the new Miranda becomes so aggressive and desperate for more love than Edward can give, it isn't long before their steamy love affair turns deadly.
Another of the more eccentric episodes. There's a slight attempt to be creepy with the scenes in David Hemmings' (Dario Argento's Deep Red, Barbarella) Wizard of Oz-esque control room, but after that- this really is more of a clever dread episode. Mariel Hemingway (Delirious) is kind of shrill and unsatisfying in her role as a tough, angry actress and much more interesting as the ultimate Stepford Wife. Vacant and lifeless is her thing. So, in case you haven't figured it out by now: the title of this episode kind of refers to death by sex. Which you're kind of expecting, and of course- would have been more amusing than the twist we do get. Kathleen Freeman (Gremlins 2: The New Batch, The Naked Gun 33 1/3rd) is a lot of fun in her minute-long role. But Andrew McCarthy (Pretty in Pink, Mannequin) is the same as ever. You see him in one thing, you've seen everything he's got. Which isn't a lot. I kind of gave up on this episode when the silly seduction music cue keeps repeating over and over and over again in all the sex scenes - which are frequent - but, when it finally starts to sound like hard rock music (it began with cheesy piano) and you actually feel the banging that must be causing him some second-thoughts, that represents the best idea we get here. I really didn't care for it. But it's quite well acted. And the general consensus is that this is one of the better-liked episodes. I myself have seen better.
★★½
Episode #3: "Carrion Death"
Plot:
Earl Raymond Digs is a vicious mutilation girl-killer who has just escaped from Death Row. His plan is to rob a bank and then cross the southern desert to Mexico with the money. He gets the money but is having trouble getting to Mexico, as he's stalked every step of the way by a psycho motorcycle-cop and a vulture who's taken a liking to him. He loses his car in a game of "chicken," then has to stagger the last 6 miles to the border dragging the dead body of the cop after he shoots him to death and the cop cuffs their wrists together. He can see the border right ahead of him. But he's getting tired. And he needs water. And that cop's getting heavy. And... that vulture is looking hungrier and hungrier. Perhaps he won't even wait for Digs to die before taking a bite or two.
This episode is truly tedius and completely predictable. And the fact that it takes 30 minutes for so little to happen is also telling. Although, I think most people will be interested to know that this is probably the goriest episode of the entire show and personally, I found the climax to be so violent and gruesome- I couldn't sit still. This is a definite squirmer! But even that doesn't come into play until the last 90 seconds. In the meantime- Kyle MacLachlan (Twin Peaks, Desperate Housewives) talks to himself every step of the 6-mile slog, and... even the cop has to talk to himself when he's alone. I don't mind people talking to themselves, but can't they do it with a little more vigor? Both actors completely sleepwalk through their performances. And that's not saying they breeze by it, that's saying they just don't try. For me- the best feature here is that Kyle can't help playing with the cop after he's shot. He dances with him not just one- but twice. Yes, folks, that's the highpoint of this ep. Skip, skip, skip.
★
Episode #4: "Abra Cadaver"
Plot:
Carl and Martin Fairbanks are two surgeon brothers with two very different personalities. During their college years, Carl is the fun-loving playboy who can't get ultra-serious and ambitious Martin to give him a break. He's always criticizing and being hard on him. So, to get revenge- Carl plans a very mean prank on Martin. Years later, the tables have turned and quiet, uptight Carl is driving the looser and seemingly lazy Martin up the wall, demanding he stop fooling around with his wild ideas and crazy research. Martin is trying to invent a new chemical that can suspend the life of the brain after the body is dead. To prove his chemical works- he kills Carl. But, he's still alive. He can still hear and see and smell everything that happens to his body after death. And it's scaring the hell out of Carl. Payback's a bitch, isn't it?
This is one of the most remembered episodes, and I dare you to try forgetting it after you've seen it. You'd think this would be one of the most boring episodes; it certainly rips off Re-Animator a few times. But this episode really does have an incredibly high tension level. At first, it barely gets by on tilted camera angles. But soon, Tony Goldwin's (Ghost, Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives) vocal performance really starts to make you feel uncomfortable. I couldn't stop thinking about being dead. Can the brain really survive? Do you really still hear and see people touching and prodding your dead body? How long does it last? The heights of fear and horror which Goldwin reaches with his voice are incredibly effective. It takes awhile, but when you mix that with the camera angles- it becomes an experience you actually share with the character. And of course, the capper on that twist is the stuff of pure nightmares.
★★★½
Episode #5: "Top Billing"
Plot:
Barry Blye is an actor who has been auditioning for part after part. After getting some rave reviews for his talent, he's decided to stick with acting. But he just can't get a part. Casting people keep turning him down. His agent tells him the reason nobody casts him is because he doesn't have "the look." Still, he's determined to act. Desperate for a role, he takes an ad for Hamlet to a dirty little back-alley street door. "What kind of theater would be down there?," asks his long-time rival, Winton Robbins, who turns up at the same audition. This is Barry's territory, a part requiring talent more than looks. But when the director picks Winton the prettyboy over Barry the poet, he gets angry. Enough to kill... However, maybe Barry should have trusted Winton's cynical view of the industry and gotten out while the getting was good. There's something just too strange about this certain production of Hamlet.
Another contender for "best episode of the entire show" award, who would have thunk that this Jon Lovitz outing would be anything but simply sardonic and just an amusing little side-order? This 'struggling actor' (or - actor versus actor) piece is stark, cold, genuinely shocking and chilling, and surprisingly intense. It's not (necessarily) because Lovitz is that good. He's a schlub. You expect him to fail if he takes himself this seriously. No, I don't think it's him. It's his character- which you do buy as a person so serious about what he does, so fed up with rejection and tough breaks that he just can't take one more loss. Then, with the right stylistic features, tight editing, and an amazingly creepy cast of supporting characters including John Astin (Gomez Addams, of course) as a hammy madman director, Louise Fletcher (One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest) as the frostiest agent I've ever seen, and the eccentrically deadpan Paul Benedict (The Jeffersons, The Addams Family movie) as the gay wardrobe man - who delivers one of the show's scariest moments, by just giving a simple piece of advice. The amazing Sandra Bernhard also puts in a great little cameo as a casting woman. Andy Dick later parodied her on The Ben Stiller Show in a hilarious bit where she was the one auditioning for Janeane Garofalo- playing a casting woman. Definitely another episode for the Crypt Top 10.
★★★★
Episode #6: "Dead Wait"
Plot:
Red Buckley is a prettyboy criminal who's sick and tired of being treated like a piece of dumb meat, even by his male cohorts. He plots to steal a priceless black pearl from Duval, a wealthy plantation owner on a wartorn little tropical island. He needs a job working for Duval, so he impresses him with his passion for the game of chess. He also catches the leering eye of Katrine, Duval's seductive younger wife, and Peligre, his creepy spiritual cleanser who can't take her eyes off his stunning red hair. Red wakes at night to find voodoo gifts of dead mutilated animals in his room. Someone is trying to scare him good! Is it Peligre who claims she's just trying to protect him? Or, is it the equally devious Katrine, who definitely has more than sex on her mind? Suddenly, the gun-toting rebel soldiers of the island are swarming the area where Duval's plantation is located and he wants his friends out of harm's way. But Red's not leaving until he gets that pearl. This begins a game of murder and deception. One everyone's just dying to play. One that can only have one winner. And one in which the pearl might not be the ultimate prize.
One of the show's grossest episodes, Tobe Hooper (director of the immortal 1974 masterpiece The Texas Chainsaw Massacre) does Tales' best voodoo episode. It's nasty, bloody, gruesome, and features loads of double-crossing. I found it to be inspired for its' type with good gore, a classic performance by Whoopi (at least at the end, when she guests on the Cryptkeeper's David Letterman-esque talk show), and... did I mention that redhed (James Remar) is a real hunk? The twist twists until it can twist no more and is all the more fun when you consider the awesome novelty of Hollywood megastar Whoopi wielding machetes. She's no Jason Voorhees but I thought she did great.
★★★
Episode #7: "The Reluctant Vampire"
Plot:
Donald Longtooth is just the sweetest guy around... for a vampire, that is! You see- he's a bloodsucker who could never bring himself to kill for that precious neck-ter, that juice of life. So, he works as the night watchman at a Blood Bank to get his fill. But when his boss, Mr. Crosswhite, warns his employees that he's cutting jobs due to a low inventory and disappearing blood - blood that's disappearing no doubt because Donald is drinking it - Donald is tasked with finding a way to reverse the plummeting intake. On a trial stalk, he gets a brilliant idea! Why not just kill criminals? The city's full of them. He could boost business at the bank and rid the streets of thieves, killers, and rapists at the same time. But his plan isn't without its' perils. The newly heightened murder rate on the street draws the attention of a master vampire hunter, the newly heightened volume of business at the bank raises Crosswhite's curiosity for Donald's potential involvement, and everytime he gets close to his lovely co-worker Sally- his fangs come out.
If you're going to do a horror-comedy, this is the way to do it! By hiring various skilled actors not new to the horror genre (Cat People's Malcolm McDowell, The Hills Have Eyes' Michael Berryman, and House's George Wendt) to give their best performances in a contest for who will be the most sinister. A story featuring a sympathetic vampire isn't new and this could easily have gone the tragic route, but the comedy here is well-written and planned. A lot more sophisticated than simple crude observational humor. The music isn't taking this very seriously. Nor are the graphics of spinning newspaper headlines and montages of people being hoisted away by our title ghoul for draining. No, you won't be scared but, if you have a pulse- you should find it to be very entertaining. I sure did. It has everything: horror, comedy, romance, a good director, and a talented cast- who all give classic villain and hero / heroine performances. This little 'bite out of crime' caper is good bloody fun all around.
★★★
Episode #8: "Easel Kill Ya"
Plot:
Jack is a painter who has a problem tuning out the darkness and intensity inside his head. But after meeting sweet fellow obsessive Sharon, he wants it all to go away- to have a chance to become a new and happier guy. Then one night, he becomes inspired to paint something new. After he accidentally causes the death of the man in the apartment below him, he takes photographs of the body and paints that. While trying to sell it, he meets morbid art collector Malcolm Mayflower who buys it and offers Jack $20,000 for his next death-inspired painting. That's a lot of money. All Jack needs is another accident.
Another surprisingly ultra-serious episode. As a thriller, psychological or shallowly superficial, the mood here is dire and aptly broad. And that's all that matters for a 30-minute cable tv project. It seems to be trying for analytical deep drama and it's a little silly for that. What really gets this episode going is what it seems to be suggesting even if it doesn't realize. And it's got one of Crypt's best villains- William Atherton (Ghostbusters). A manipulative, smug, and passive-abusive figure in Jack's life. You have to love his cocky "show me what you got" attitude with him pressuring Jack to prove he's morbid, when it quickly turns into a cool and detached challenge to explore his inner-demons. He's definitely playing the devil on Jack's shoulder, without having a clue what havoc he's causing. Jack's desperation is a kind of prize all its' own to this guy. This basically overrules the unbelievable turn at the end, where he dishes out $100,000 for a dinner-plate-sized cardboard "painting" that's just red with a little of what looks like fake pink brains on it. Even a pre-schooler could do something more impressive than that.
★★★
Episode #9: "Undertaking Palor"
Plot:
Josh, Jess, Norm, and their other friend are big horror movie fans. Josh is a budding wannabe director with a video camera. After he teases Norm a little too much, Jess dares him to prove he has the guts to make a real horror movie. So they break into the local funeral home looking for a corpse to film. What they find is a lot more horrifying- the undertaker is conspiring with the town pharmacist to kill citizens and overcharge them for the funeral costs then split the money between them. The friends have to do something. But they're just kids- how can they prove any of this?
This episode is a bit of an enigma. Since these episodes are always like mini-movies, that's how they should be judged. And the kind of movie this would've been is always rated PG-13. But it's spiked with a lot of things that are highly inappropriate for the very young kids who we see to be doing: killing, swearing, talking about sex, and committing other adult acts. This is way beyond The Goonies. And I don't care if this episode wants to be really immature. It is. But, by the end, it seems to be making a bizarre statement about how "movie" violence leads kids to become violent in real life. Is that really the message a popular horror film or TV series wants to be sending? Disturbing- in the wrong kind of way.
★★
Episode #10: "Mournin' Mess"
Plot:
Dale Sweeney is the worst kind of reporter. He lies, cheats, asks insulting questions, is a scoundrel with women - the kind who wants nothing to do with them the morning after, and can't keep a friend in the world. After a long period of being dried up, he finds himself stuck between two hot stories: some unseen mad mutilation-killer is tearing the homeless people of the city to pieces, meanwhile a group of wealthy enterprisers form a new 'society' to pay for the graves of dead people who can't afford a burial plot. He decides to tackle both at once, interviewing the leggy chairwoman for the Grateful Homeless Society during the day, and following up homeless Robert's - the police's #1 suspect for the homeless murders - leads at night. Then Sweeney's evicted from his apartment. Now he's homeless. And surely prey for the creepy Robert... until Robert shows up in the alley nearly dead. If Robert's not the homeless killer... who is? And what kind of secret was Robert trying to tell him before he died?
This is one of those "they really had it coming" episodes. Where you want to see something truly awful happen to the main character. So much so that the details end up being really unimportant. And this ending does not fall short on that account. There is a creepy vibe throughout that works wonders. And just when it looks like the ending will be a bore, Tales from the Crypt pulls out probably their all-time greatest (or most gruesome) shock reveal of all. You should only have seen my reaction to this when I watched it as a kid. Like a lot this season has put onscreen, this final reveal is the stuff of pure nightmares. It's intense exactly when you'd expect it to be laidback and creepy when you really need a break. And, unlike episodes that will come in later seasons, in "Mess's" cynical vision of the cutthroat world of the main character's chosen profession - journalism - the adults act like real adults.
★★★
Episode #11: "Split Second"
Plot:
Liz is a very unhappy waitress at a bar in lumberjack country, where the men are rude, and other women just don't exist. One night she meets Steve Dixon, who's willing to fight other men over her. She likes this. Soon the two are married and she shacks up with him in his mountain cabin. But the honeymoon is short- Steve's jealousy doesn't stop at bar fighting. He's practically willing to kill anyone who even talks about her. Even the sex becomes boring. And Liz hates nothing more than being bored. Then, Ted shows up at her door looking for work. He's not like the other guys. He's kind, genuine, and very naive. But he's good at chopping, so Dixon hires him. Even though he suspects Liz has taken a liking to him. And so begins a game of cat-and-mouse between Liz and Ted. One with at least two surprise players too many.
Here's one of the show's sleaziest and most nudie-rific episodes. Michelle Johnson (Death Becomes Her, Dr. Giggles) shows off her huge boobs and gropes Billy Worth's crotch through his jeans in closeup. I can't tell what this episode's real flaw is, but it's either the wife or the husband. Or, maybe it's the sexist black lumberjack. Why is he such a hypocrite? He'd "pet" her if she asked for it, yet he's the most self-righteous about telling all the guys how she's trying to ruin all their male bonding. This one could use a little more sensitivity, or equal-opportunity sexism. You get a good feel for her character at the start but, she just can't make up her mind. She blames money for why she's stuck in these hopeless situations and for why she pushes the mens' buttons. And the husband blames pressure from environmentalists for some of his psychotic rage. He's good at psychotic rage, making for a real compelling psycho-villain. And as for her, her theories on "boredom" mixed with the great piano score give this episode some real fear flavor. But, if there's a point here- it gets lost in the utter haze of hypocrasy which is flaming more than Ted's loins.
★★½
Episode #12: "Deadline"
Plot:
Charles McKenzie is a drunk. At night. During the day, he's a pathetic begger who drains his sister's social security to pay his rent. He used to be a top newspaper reporter. Now he has to beg his old boss just for a chance to bring in a headline story. His boss wants a murder- nothing else will do. He thinks his losing streak is over now that he's met a real live mystery woman, the sensuous Vicki. He even vows to quit drinking and starts making good on it. But when he goes looking everywhere for a murder, he can't find anything. None of his contacts will help him either. He becomes desperate. He's going to get a murder- even if he has to commit one himself.
This episode was really on its' way to becoming one of Crypt's all-time best. The acting is first rate, the writing is fantastic. The story is fascinating. The characters are well-defined. There's just one very big problem: the ending. It's not a typical twist, to put it lightly. With 10 minutes left, you think this episode's only at the middle. But the ending has already begun. And it takes forever - again, it's fascinating. The tension is finally mounting. Things are getting unbearable. In a good way. You're ready for the big climax... and then... Nothing happens. The ending is basically taken from a mile away in the story and there are no details to explain it. We're missing so many things we need to know. What the hell happened? Beats the hell out of me. This ending has left to this episode being written off as bad by a lot of fans. With good reason. They have every right to be mad. As for me and this ending: I'll never get it. It's un"get"table. You just have to chalk it up to being one of life's great mysteries.
★★★
Episode #13: "Spoiled"
Plot:
Janet is a lonely housewife, hopelessly addicted to the world of tv soap operas due to her husband Leon's addiction to his work. He's a doctor using new mad science to try freezing the brain of his patients long enough to perform very difficult body transplant operations. Every night she longs for him to come home and make love to her. But she's getting tired of waiting for him to warm up to her. Then, one day she has a problem with her tv reception and calls for a cable man. That's when Abel shows up at her door. Perhaps he's the ultimate answer to her loneliness problem. All she has to do is make sure Leon doesn't find out.
Here's a fun one, though it's not perfect. I think the problem is him. I can't for the life of me figure out why he won't get an assistant to help him do his experiments. He has no time for anything else because he wants to do everything himself. Yet, he has time to question her extra-marital activities and to be nasty to Anthony LaPaglia's (Innocent Blood) character. There are so many scenes of hubby disappointing, standing up, neglecting, and ignoring his wife - driving her to many acts of desperation - where does he get off being upset when he finds out she's cheating on him? If ever a character deserved a free-pass to cheat on their spouse, it's this woman! So, this episode gets high-marks for originality and novelty. But, even though the ending keeps in context with the soap opera meets mad scientist vibes of the episode, it could have been more satisfying if the husband were the one being experimented on.
★★★
Episode #14: "Yellow"
Plot:
Lt. Martin Kalthrob has one mission: "take that hill." Instead, he orders a retreat because he wants to save as many of his troops as possible. This does not make his father, General Kalthrob, very happy. Nor do the rumors among his troops that Martin is "yellow" (a coward). The General sees this as a threat and will do anything in his power to prove it's not true. Even if it means getting Martin killed. First he orders Martin to take a small group of soldiers on a suicide mission to fix a broken line. Then, when Martin is the only one to return, he sentences his son to death for cowardice. However, the General has a trick up his sleeve to spare Martin a horrible fate. That is... a fate the General sees as being worse than Martin dying. Martin might not agree.
This is the best war-related piece of filmmaking I've ever seen. It's tight, concise, and absolutely spine-chilling. War films never before saught to change my mind about what war is - a necessary evil in life (much like abortion). I never once flinched on my personal convictions watching crap like Glory or The Alamo (2004). This is the kind of thing that sort of shoves the words of both sides down their throats. For example, I always clapped whenever Michael Moore would accuse the politicians who supported war of purposefully not sending their own kids into the military. But when you watch this, you have to agree- Martin's no better than any of the other soldiers getting torn to pieces. What makes his life any more important? And, when Dan Akroyd's character suggests his father's being hasty by condeming Martin to the firing squad- wouldn't he do the same to any other lieutenant showing "cowardice in the face of the enemy"? This episode has an ugly streak that forces us to accept, in a situation that can't be changed, the consequences for everyone's actions- even if we would have done the same things.
Then... we have the whole issue of father versus son. Kirk Douglas is such a bastard to his son (naturally). The son gave his whole life to make his father happy and his father never gave him anything real in return. This pattern obviously set a precidence in their relationship where the father always takes and expects the son to always give. The one thing Martin fights him on is not wanting to go to war and wanting a discharge. He also lies and manipulates Martin into behaving the way he wants too. As though always complying with his demands wasn't good enough. This episode perfectly illustrates the expectations of complete-sacrifice on the part of pro-war zealots (that are at least secretly present in them). Most importantly though, this relationship is so typical to parental manipulation. Martin just wasn't smart enough to see through his father's lies. Why would he be? He grew up to be the man his father wanted him to be- submissive to the point of not being his own man, able to make his own decisions. This is a tragic piece of television, a deeply horrifying episode of this horror series, and the best episode of Tales from the Crypt. Ever.
★★★★
