Post by nopersonality on Feb 2, 2010 10:17:43 GMT -5
★★½
Season 3 of Tales from the Crypt set the bar of achievement too high. No following season could have been as good. Sadly, there was nowhere to go but down. And Season 4 definitely sought to lower expectations with the largest stock of bad episodes (until Season 6 took its' crown away). Season 4 also drew a lot of attention to Tales from the Crypt from big name actors and directors, scoring the talents of Tom Hanks (Big, Turner and Hooch), Brad Pitt (Thelma & Louise, Legends of the Fall), Christopher Reeve (Superman), Joe Pesci (Home Alone, My Cousin Vinny), Blythe Danner (Meet the Parents, Will & Grace), John Frankenheimer (The Manchurian Candidate), Tia Carrere (Wayne's World), Timothy Dalton (License to Kill), Cathy Moriarty (Kindergarten Cop, Raging Bull), Wolfgang Puck, and others. The directors tried to make the show less funny and instead- more serious and sophisticated. It mostly suffered as a result.
Episode #1: "None but the Lonely Heart"
Plot:
Howard Prince is a real romantic with a thing for older women. All he wants to do is love and be a companion to women who have very little time left. Of course, all the women he marries also happen to be quite wealthy and more than happy to allow him to manage their money for them. Then they die and, weren't they so sweet to leave him everything in their wills? This is a risky venture too and he doesn't do it alone. His partner informs him that their time is running short- the law is very suspicious of all the money they seem to be collecting and the bodies that are piling up (3 so far). Howard is not ready to quit yet, he insists 2 million isn't enough to split between the two of them. He just wants one more woman's fortune to add to the collection. But this last one isn't going to be so easy.
This just in: Tom Hanks kills himself! In this episode of Tales from the Crypt, that is. Since he's the director, it was his decision to knock himself off. And his involvement in this show attracted some big time talent- Treat Williams (equally irresistable in Smooth Talk) and the often horned-up Frances Sternhagen (Misery). This one is, naturally since it's got Tom Hanks' name on it, acted and written more the Hollywood way than the rogue HBO way. But thankfully, Hanks does know the audience he's making this episode for and doesn't shy away from the dark side. One problem- the set-up for the twist gets us all excited and when the twist finally comes... I won't say it's a complete letdown. But- I expected more. It's a bad twist (at least for a season starter episode 4-seasons into this show) with one saving grace: great camera angles. I'm honestly surprised Tom Hanks' one episode was so gory but overall, it's just entertaining enough to be a highpoint for one of the show's lesser seasons.
★★★
Episode #2: "This'll Kill Ya"
Plot:
George Gatlin is a nasty college grant-man who works in a medical research lab and his fellow researchers are not at all happy with him. They're working on developing a new cellular treatment to help cure diseases. What they have is something very experimental, dangerous, and not ready for human testing. But not according to George, who's just made a huge press release stating that the cell is ready for human testing. His assistants Pack and Sophie inform him that if the cell is tested on a human- it would kill them. But George doesn't care about the details, all he cares about is funding. So, the outraged Pack and Sophie decide he needs to be taught a lesson.
This episode writes some interesting scientific details, but in terms of execution and horror, it's no more than a bad cross between season 3's "Easel Kill Ya" and "Abra Cadaver." There's some good style (brilliant blue lighting and flash cut hallucination montages) but it's dominated by a lot of boring shouting scenes where the characters could be saying more, and the characters are pretty irritating. Nothing special. Unless you're all that thrilled by the really long sex scene between Dylan McDermott and Sonia Braga. Which, unfortunately, is the highpoint of this ep. Cleavon Little died less than 4 months after this episode aired.
★★
Episode #3: "On a Deadman's Chest"
Plot:
Danny Darwin and Nick Bosch have been good friends for a long time but they've been playing in their popular Guns 'n Roses-ish hard rock band for years now and the tensions over Nick's new wife Scarlett are reaching boiling point. Danny doesn't like Scarlett at all and Nick and Scarlett are getting tired of him and the tour girls who are now his only friends always insulting her. Then one day, Danny's latest groupie takes him to voodoo man tattoo artist Farouche to get him a very special new tattoo. A tattoo that "tells the story" of Danny's skin. Danny is not happy with the finished product: it's a tattoo of Scarlett!
Remember Wayne's World? What do you think a movie / tv show would be like had it focused on Crucial Taunt rather than Wayne & Garth, and made Cassandra a groupie rather than the gutsy and powerful lead singer? Well, I don't know if it would be like this, but I sure as hell hope it wouldn't be. This thing is nothing but one long, sexist, stupid cliche. There's the asshole lead singer (Axl Rose inspired?) who hates women (unless he's having sex with them) and swears like an idiot, and his bandmates are devoted dopes who put up with his endless tantrums. And of course, a blonde groupie shows up in his dressing room and opens her corset, letting her boobs fall out... because, that's apparently what the director / writer think all horror fans want to see. Or, is it the long-kept secrets of the real lives of rock's hard and fast-living stars finally revealed to a shocked public? Either way, disregarding the fact that these are the most tired "rock band" cliches in the book, the episode also has an irritating pretentious streak a mile long- thinking this is a gritty, realistic way to view the behind the scenes antics of a believable hard rocking band. The antics are believable enough... but just because they're unpleasent (and, if you think about it, depressing) doesn't make them compelling or horrific. A misogynistic murder and some voodoo are thrown in for "good measure." A total waste of Tia Carrere, and Heavy D- who literally is the only even slightly redeeming quality to this episode. William Friedkin of The Exorcist directed; oh how the mighty do fall. The 2nd worst Crypt episode ever. SKIP!
½★
Episode #4: "Seance"
Plot:
Alison Peters and Benny Polosky are loser con artists who have a lot of trouble getting their schemes to pay off. But they think they've finally lucked into a sure thing with Prescott Chalmers, Alison's cousin- who they convince has some money coming to him in an investment account. Their plan is to get him to agree to put something like $300,000 into the account in order to buy out Benny - posing as an estate executor. Then when he does, they blackmail him for the money and keep it. In exchange to keep evidence from Chalmers' wife proving he's been having an affair with Alison. Chalmers is furious when they confront him and doesn't intend to give them a dime. Unfortunately for him, he may not have a choice.
It's not good to know the twist to an episode before you watch it. Unfortunately though, I was recording The Goonies on The Disney Channel one night back in... what- 1994, maybe '95, and HBO used to be channel #14 and Disney was #18. So, during the commercial breaks I would zip over to HBO and caught all the gore scenes to this episode. For some reason, I never forgot them. This episode, like "Lonely Heart" before it is very sophisticated in terms of writing and acting, but that will only take an episode so far. It also needs good scares, good tension, a really compelling story, or to be a lot of fun. This being a period piece means it moves slowly- which is fine if that's what you like. But Cathy Moriarty's acting style usually works better with frantic pacing (see: Casper). Though she's absolutely elegant and impeccably well-dressed here, this episode lacks any real fun, tension, or darkness. It's graphic. But that and the final pun (which is displayed right on the back of the DVD boxset, so you're going to have this twist ruined for you one way or another) are the real excuse for this episode's existence. That's not exactly enough. John (Killer Klowns from Outer Space) Vernon is the episode's best feature.
★★½
Episode #5: "Beauty Rest"
Plot:
Helen is an aspiring actress who's been aspiring for a very long time and just can't get a part. She thinks it's because the directors all expect actresses to sleep with them. Also, she rooms with model Joyce who gets every acting part she screen tests for and has a suspicious habit of getting the parts Helen wants. She doesn't have a job and Joyce has one too many, including a spot in a beauty pageant which has been fixed in a note to George the emcee so that Joyce is the winner. This gives Helen an idea: George hasn't met her. Why doesn't Helen just steal the note and pose as Joyce in the pageant? There are a few problems with this plan, however. Not the least of which being that she has no idea what the winner of the pageant will get.
And we arrive at my weakness: I'm always excited to see anything in the horror genre that has to do with women social climbing, back-stabbing, and/or any plot involving beauty, vanity, modeling, eating disorders, etc. And unfortunately, the reason they don't make many horror movies about these subjects is because the filmmakers / writers don't seem to know anything about them or take them very seriously. This episode is visually too dark (it's very hard to see at times) and sometimes very cool and stylish. But...this has probably the worst twist of the entire show. I mean it. I literally pointed at the screen and "WtF?"ed at least once. It makes absolutely no logical sense whatsoever. I'm dying to spoil this one for you, but I won't. I'll just say- this is more infuriating than "Deadline." Because to them, there's nothing missing. They think they explained everything. But in fact, there are dozens of questions you could ask about the final scene in this episode. Again, it makes no sense at all. And really, the important thing to note is that it's just a copy of the 3rd season's amazing "Top Billing" with women instead of men. I don't want to sound heavy when I still kind of enjoyed the episode up 'til the last 5 minutes, but it's kind of insulting that this is the best thing they could come up with involving a beauty pageant and backstage bitch antics.
★★
Episode #6: "What's Cookin'?"
Plot:
Fred and Erma are husband and wife restauranteurs. Fred has a vision: he wants to become the Col. Sanders of seafood- his restaurant only serves different kinds of squid. But the place hasn't exactly been a success. Their most regular customer, cop Phil, can't stand their food. And they owe a ton of money, especially to landlord Chumley, who's ready to evict them. Then, when things are looking their bleakest, they open the fridge and find some steaks their waiter Gaston insists have been cured from a secret family recipe. Just cooking them sends an aroma into the air that starts bringing customers in off the streets. Their new steak is a huge hit and every day, they're making thousands of dollars. Erma and Gaston are thrilled. But Fred doesn't seem at all excited. He's keeping a horrible secret from Erma. Could it have anything to do with the mysterious new steak recipe?
This episode is regarded by the general public, mainstream entertainment sources, and many fans as the show's best and most remembered episode. It's not the best, but it's definitely up there. If this season has one recurring theme, it's: confusing the hell out of me! Too much happens and leaves vital pieces of information behind (especially "Curiosity Killed" and "Beauty Rest"). Here, I think it's important to know whether Christopher Reeve's vision is to cook squid for his customers because it's unique or because he really knows how to cook squid. Trust me, it makes a difference. Without squid, there would be no progression into cannibalism in the first place. And- why would they open a restaurant if the husband and wife don't know how to cook? So, you're sitting there and watching this episode. What do you see? People eating steaks. Lots of shots of people eating steaks. That's the horror of this episode. That the tone of darkness and oppression lifts and the episode eventually celebrates the restaurant's success, while it's your job as the viewer to remember that the clientel are eating people! Eating themselves. Eating: YOU! It's a very good episode with several clever turns along the way to an obvious but very satisfying final twist. But personally- cannibalism isn't that scary. Meat is meat, no matter where it comes from. Hell: I wouldn't even have a problem eating cooked meat from a human being. So long as it tasted good. Is that scary to anyone?
★★★½
Episode #7: "The New Arrival"
Plot:
Dr. Alan Getz is a stuffy call-in radio psychiatrist with a nasty, condescending attitude. Station manager Rona is tired of his poor ratings and of how rude he is to his callers and wants to pull the plug. So in an effort to draw in listeners, he decides to stage a "house call" episode from the home of frequent caller Nora and her retarded daughter Felicity. He arrives, with Rona and producer Bonnie in tow, and they quickly realize they might be a little out of their depth here. The place is an absolute madhouse replete with a library load of self-help books, electrified doorknobs, a junkyard full of old furniture and toys and television sets that look 40 years old, walls covered with used wads of grape bubblegum, tortured insane screams coming from the upstairs floor... and you don't even want to know what's in the attic! Nora warns them not to go upstairs. They don't listen.
On some level, this episode is a copy of the 2nd season's "Television Terror," only it involves radio and a phone-in child psychologist instead of a TV talk show host. David Warner (The Omen, Scream 2) plays a classic pompous jerk. None of the twists (there are several) here are satisfying but this manages to be one of the creepiest and most awesomely bizarre episodes of the series- thanks no doubt to director Peter Medak (The Changeling). There's just something about a group of outsiders in a mysterious place with secrets and imminent violent death that is an instant recipe for unsettling scenes and a freaky 'anything can happen' atmosphere. This one has more directness than its' cinematic inspiration (undoubtedly: 1976's Alice, Sweet Alice) and one highly memorable death scene. Oh, and Zelda Rubinstein (the Poltergeist series), Twiggy (Absolutely Fabulous), and Robert Patrick (The X-Files) in great supporting roles. Really good writing as well. One of this season's best.
★★★
Episode #8: "Showdown"
Plot:
Billy Quintaine is a wanted gunslinger with a trail of dead bodies in his wake. On the run from a lawman who vows to bring him to justice dead or alive, he enters a dusty ghost town. Though he's never been there before, he's shocked to find that he recognizes everyone. What is this place? What's going on? And, what other surprises are in store for Billy?
Richard Donner, of Season 2's miserable "The Ventriloquist's Dummy" returns to the Crypt for this much improved little western yarn. There's not much here in terms of story. There's a twist, it's incredibly obvious. But at first, the twist brings out the toughguy's vulnerable side, making the typical action-themed piece a lot more existential and him... well, it's only some people's cup of tea, but: he admits his weaknesses. I appreciate that. Then, of course, it just plain gets silly. The shootout finale takes forever and seems to be shot in super-slow motion, the "back to the future" twist keeps going long after it's clearly used up its' novelty value, and then there's an absurd "buddies" coda that just begs for the palm-to-forehead slap. In the eyes of most viewers, I expect this episode will bore them. Until the end, I was pretty plugged-in though.
★★½
Episode #9: "King of the Road"
Plot:
Before Joe Garrett became a respected officer of the law, he lived life on the edge as a rebel drag racer- one of the best in fact. He was so good that - though his true identity's been carefully hidden - his nickname, Iceman, hasn't been forgotten. One day, a mysterious young racer Billy shows up at Joe's home asking strange questions. He knows too much about Joe's past and wants something from him. Something he's ready to take at any cost, even if it means putting Joe's teenage daughter Carey in harms' way. Now he's gotta race the insane kid or Billy swears he'll kill Carey.
I won't forget this episode very soon after seeing it. But that's not because it's memorably good or bad. It's well-paced and the acting's not bad. But on this show, that doesn't amount to much by itself. After it's half-over, boredom has set in and your mind starts working on what the twist will be. Is Brad Pitt a ghost looking for revenge? Are both racers going to die in a tragic accident? Will one of them accidentally kill the daughter? Will the daughter accidentally kill the father? Will other cops show up and accidentally kill all 3 of them? Will something go wrong with the cars? Will Brad Pitt win the race and be set free by the father? Will the daughter shoot someone with the gun? Sorry to spoil the surprise, but - there is no twist here. None whatsoever. Just the promise of a dramatic showdown race between Brad Pitt and the father, a very undramatic race between them, and a very abrupt end to the race with a surprisingly obvious outcome. Think real simple. This is a bad episode. Not because there is no twist (though, that's part of it). But, because the ideas add up to nothing, it lacks any and all sense of horror or danger, and the characters are completely hollow and boring. You only have yourself to feed on. So let's hope you have a good imagination.
★½
Episode #10: "Maniac at Large"
Plot:
Margaret is a librarian having difficulty adjusting to her new life in a big city. Everything scares her. And her job isn't as peaceful as she probably wanted. Her boss Mrs. Pritchard is strict and demanding, the security guard is creepy and sneaky, and the people who come in to read are rude and too talkative. To make matters worse, there are reports everywhere about a maniac killer on the loose who's murdered 7 people so far. Then Mrs. Pritchard makes her work late. It gets dark and quiet and Margaret looks around- she's alone and easily startled. Every few minutes, someone appears and wants something from her. Each time, she gets more and more on edge. She hears noises. She sees someone in the basement wielding a knife! A man outside the closed building is banging to get in. A shrieking alarm goes off. The phones won't work! Earlier she was told by a creepy bookish man the killer's next victim will be a woman. Will Margaret survive this night of terror?
I guess something about having John Frankenheimer, Blythe Danner, and Clarence Williams III on the same episode classes things up a little. This sophisticated yet wild and paranoid suspense yarn is a new kind of fun for the series. The dialogue is indulgent but damn smart, well-played, and unsettling, and Danner's bouts of hysteria do pay off by the end for what has to be the show's single most genius twist ever. Pay close attention to the dialogue. Brilliant. Another episode for the Crypt Top 10.
★★★½
Episode #11: "Split Personality"
Plot:
Vic is a Vegas gambler and con-man who could be happier with his current circumstances. He's tired of dodging feds and doesn't like the fact that his cons are too small. He wants to settle down and have a real life. But in his day-to-day existence, his luck just isn't good enough. Until one day when he has a car accident. Oh, no! Right? Oh...yes! Vic stumbles onto his dream situation- two young, lonely, rich, and recluse gorgeous twins who love to hear people talk about their father. Sweet talking these two is easy and they're so grateful to him for making them more outgoing. And to get his hands on their fortune, all he has to do is make them believe there are two of him so he can marry both. Again, surprisingly easy- he comes up with the image of a twin brother and the perfect excuse for why they can't be together at the same time. The girls are in paradise, Vic couldn't be happier. Everything's perfect except for one thing. The real twins are hiding a secret of their own...
Joe Pesci. Is there anything else that need be said? Hot off doing the hilarious My Cousin Vinny, he nails this portrayal of a gambling slimeball con. Except for the fact that Pesci's character is such a despicable, mean-spirited pig at the start, and that a scene with a hooker is straight out of a gangster movie (I'm not at all big on gangster movies or wannabe hyper-realistic drama), this is a free-wheeling and darkly fun little piece with good "smart scumbag" dialogue (Vic is a believe enough professional conman), and a pretty gross final gag. There's not much more to say about this one. It's all about the acting and the bizarreness of a 90's gambling piece where the women are really the main attraction. For more than just their looks. These twins are creepy!
★★★
Episode #12: "Strung Along"
Plot:
Joseph Renfield is a sweet aging puppeteer and former TV star who's having a lot of problems with his younger wife, Ellen. She's particularly unhappy with how much of a recluse he is- they never go out anywhere together. And how jealous he is that she's a popular actress. This gets to be such a problem that she doesn't spend much time with friends anymore. He also has health problems and is becoming deeply sorrowful and depressed. He talks to himself, they start drifting apart. Then, he gets a letter that cheers him up. He's been asked to participate in a television special and they want him to do one of his old puppet acts. But Ellen doesn't want him overdoing it so he agrees to hire an assistant. Along comes David. And he wants to change the old act. He's also only too happy to stir things up even more between Joseph and Ellen. Leading Joseph to start talking again - about doing something to fix the Ellen situation. He wants to divorce her. But his puppet Koco has something deadlier in mind.
Kevin Yagher strikes again! A bit of a mix of 1978's Magic, 1988's Child's Play, and season 2's "Three's a Crowd" with "The Ventriloquist's Dummy"...and a little of season 3's "Spoiled." Donald O'Connor's kindly old puppeteer is too old-fashioned and all the people he knows are too obnoxious. And his sweet old man routine does not mix well with the unbelievably shrill and callow soap-opera theatrics of Patricia Charbonneau, nor the intensely seductive bedroom-voiced Zach Galligan (Gremlins, Waxwork) who is so irritatingly child-like here, he borders on prepubescent. At one point O'Connor mentions Galligan kissing his butt... that's exactly what it feels like he's doing. He could be talking to anyone this way and it would come off like he was trying to seduce them. The twist comes too little, too late, and so does the blood-letting- of which there isn't nearly enough. And in the meantime, all this episode has amounted to was a really, really, really bad soap-opera ... about a puppeteer... and a creepy clown marionette... Huh? This one is so bad, it hurts.
★
Episode #13: "Werewolf Concerto"
Plot:
AAH! There's a monster on the loose! A rustic, upscale woodland resort hotel is being stalked by a vicious killer. 3 guests are dead already! And not just dead- torn apart too. Which leads the remaining guests to believe the person doing this isn't a person at all... but a werewolf! And no one can leave either, since a storm has caused damage blocking all exit routes. No need to fear, however. Entertainment director / host Mr. Antoine assures his guests that the beast will be exterminated before the next night's full moon - one of his guests is a "Werewolf Hunter" and has agreed to kill the dreaded night-stalker. This gets the guests all excited... Who could it be? And, more importantly, which one of them is the werewolf? Though nobody seems to be worried about that. Which is suspicious. Are there other ghastly secrets the guests are hiding? And will they kill to keep the others from sniffing them out?
Finally: some more fun injected into this often dreary season. This episode benefits mostly from another great cast. Which includes Timothy Dalton, Beverly D'Angelo (the National Lampoon's Vacation movies), Dennis Farina (Get Shorty), Charles Fleischer (A Nightmare on Elm Street, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?), Reginald VelJohnson (Family Matters, Die Hard), and world-famous chef Wolfgang Puck. But also- the pace is professional, the dialogue is well-written, the mystery is fun to guess and keeps you guessing even as it's happening right in front of your face, and the setting is just ripe with intrigue and BOO!-jump possibilities. Some viewers may have expected a bit more or found the double-twist a bit lame, but I enjoyed it a lot. Save for one very stupid murder of a newly-introduced character thrown in at the last minute that is there just to up the body count, borders on completely tasteless/tactless, and isn't as bloody as it could be. This may not stand up to repeat viewings. But I've seen it 4 times and I still like it. One of the best of, again, a really dreary season. Thankfully things change drastically for Season 5.
★★★
Episode #14: "Curiosity Killed"
Plot:
Jack and Cynthia are a married couple who have been married a long...long time. She is beyond horrible to him. She berates him with insults day and night, nags him about everything, and threatens to make things even worse. The reason he sticks around? The last 6 months have been particularly unbearable. He's afraid if he leaves, her lawyers will destroy what little he's got left. Yet, he's decided he'll give it one more try. After meeting new friends Harry and his wife Lucille, they plan a 'back to nature' weekend camping getaway. But the three have alterior motives for doing so. And Cynthia is suspicious of why that is, after Harry and Jack go off to do a little digging in the swamp, leaving her alone with the cryptic Lucille. They have a surprise for her. Cynthia just has to know what. She follows them out to the swamp and after seeing what they've dug up... she fears that murder is part of their plans! But... perhaps she shouldn't have stuck her nose in where it wasn't wanted. Things are not always what they appear to be.
The first thing that comes to mind while watching this is that a much same-themed segment exists in the 1983 movie, The Twilight Zone. I won't tell you exactly why they seem alike. I'll just say there are similarities in tone, as well as story. This episode is not nearly as graceful or even-handed as Steven Spielberg's piece. But it does rely on two elderly black people talking all sweet and vaguely about the wonders of their magic capabilities. In Spielberg's piece, the tone is all sweet. Here, it's... well, cranky. At best. Horror veterans Margot Kidder (Black Christmas, The Amityville Horror, Sisters) and Kevin McCarthy (The Howling, Piranha, The Twilight Zone Movie) are great as usual. But this story is a quite messy lead-up to probably my personal favorite twist of the entire series. There's another double twist here, but the first part of it had me clapping. I mean... it was SO damn nasty! How could any one character be so evil? This is pure devil stuff here. Tales sometimes produces very dynamic villains, and Margot Kidder gives this part her all. So, just try not to watch her. Just try to feel sorry for her victims. The second part of the twist made me frown, though. It's too easy to end it that way. I really felt "had." Not to mention, it ends much too quickly.
★★
