Post by nopersonality on Feb 6, 2010 8:03:38 GMT -5
*note:
Sorry for the softness of the pics in the last 3 episodes. The 3rd DVD in my copy of the Season 6 boxset won't play on my computer's DVD-ROM player. The pics from episodes 13, 14, and 15 are taken from YouTube.
★★
As I said in my Season 5 review, all good things must come to an end. And Season 6 wasn't the end for Tales from the Crypt. But not only did it mark the end of Crypt's American shift, but it was also the end-end ("Well Cooked Hams" was truly the beginning of the end, so the beginning was already at hand before this point) of the show's ability to produce consistently good episodes. As a result, for this 6th season, there are very, very few standouts. That's pretty depressing- isn't it? However, for a send-off to this series, it's not completely dismiss-able. There are at least a select few episodes that make this season a must-own for serious Crypt fans. Without further ado, here it is- the final review:
Episode #1: "Let the Punishment Fit the Crime"
Plot:
Geraldine Ferrett is a cut-throat attourney with a history of controversial, high profile cases and a reputation for being really tough. Then, she comes to the small town of Stueksville and finds out what it feels like to be on the other side of the law. You see, Stueksville is a very strict town. And their courthouse has legalized torture and corporal punishment for use in the sentences of anyone they find guilty. For even the slightest offense. Geraldine's public defender, the doofy-looking Austin Haggard, knows the Stueksville system better than she does. And she should trust him. But being a fellow attourney, she can't stand him. She doesn't just want out of her bullshit traffic ticket, but she wants to show off her skills as well. This turns out to not be her wisest course of action- she ends up going right back through the system repeatedly and being given a new and more horrible sentence every time she opens her big mouth. There's a chance she could get the electric chair! Can she talk her way out of that?
This is actually one of my favorite Crypt episodes. Because I love Catherine O'Hara. She's beautiful, sexy, brassy, and always hilarious. And because, naturally, I love a good cold bitch type. Which one could argue she was already playing in Home Alone (she's much more sympathetic in the Lost in New York sequel). And of course, Beetlejuice. Who didn't love her there? And she's got one hell of a supporting cast including the way too cute Kevin Cooney (Legally Blonde), the slick as ice Brit pro Joseph Maher (Sister Act), Wesley Mann (Disney's Adventures in Wonderland), and the always scary, even in comedic roles, Peter MacNicol (Addams Family Values, Ghostbusters 2). I don't know if this is funny but (with the exception of the stupid guilt-ghouls that pop up a couple times) it sure is fun. And really tense. If you thought stuff like Ghosts of Mississippi and JFK are intense- try doubling that here. In fact, it's a little too intense. I swear I felt like I was on-trial here. God knows people who take the law into their own hands and overzealous conservative judges are always scary (of course, I found the 1991 hicktown-court comedy Nothing but Trouble to be more outrageous). But it ends up being fun because O'Hara really does deserve what's coming to her. If only they had dialed down the supernatural stuff. I mean- why do the doors of this courthouse magically lead to rooms they're not connected to? This ain't Labyrinth.
Episode #2: "Only Skin Deep"
Plot:
It's Halloween night, and the creeps are coming out to play. One of them is Carl Schlag, a CPA accountant; a man who just can't keep a girlfriend. His ex, Linda, says the reason for that is that he beat her viciously. And she was lucky- Carl's last girlfriend was killed! She says he did it. At a party, the word's going around: Carl's bad news. He tells mysterious, sexy, masked stranger Molly that Linda's a liar. Molly wants to leave the party and invites Carl to tag along. They go back to her apartment and have sex. When he wakes up, Molly's making a lot of noise with tools in another room. What is she doing in there? She gives him a drink and he starts to feel woozy. She's drugged him. What does she want from him? And, why won't she take off that mask?
This episode, directed by future Showtime Masters of Horror series alumni William Malone, flaunts his trademark gritty, dirty city-gothic style. Which I suspect could have worked in a different episode. Turns out though, this is really better suited to music videos. I don't know if he was ever a director of said fare, but this episode suffers from a badly constructed story with lots of little flaws. As I said before- the style is fine, and the music (score and band tunes) are sweet, tragic, atmospheric, creepy, and fun. But Carl's backstory is poorly assembled and the Linda plotline doesn't work (especially when you see how it's affected her - not only does she go looking for a fight with Carl, in public no less, but she's too immodest and aggressively foward about how helpless she was during their abusive relationship). Also, he's pretentious as hell. "I just wanna enrich an already wonderful thing"?! You've gotta be kidding me. Is he supposed to believe he means that or what? It might work if we knew the answer. And of course, there's the twist. It bites. It doesn't really make sense and it doesn't mean anything either. There's no special significance to or about it whatsoever. Initially, I gave Sherrie Rose (Season 4's wretched "On a Deadman's Chest") a lot of credit for her performance here. But now, I take it back. She's great in her first scene. But she can't emote. Not to mention, there's nothing written for her to really do. Her act becomes stale fast. She can't even pull off an easy line like, "I don't want you to know me." Then, there's an overlong sex scene that does nothing for me. Sex is for pornos. Unless there's a real point to it. Just to indulge his fantasy of being a good-guy later on isn't enough. His "change" doesn't resonate. Which is a shame, because like I said- the music here is REALLY good, especially toward the end. Kudos to director Malone though for showing off quite a bit of beefy actor Peter Onorati. But, his Masters of Horror contribution, "The Fair Haired Child" was 10 times better than this. At least.
Episode #3: "Whirlpool"
Plot:
Rolanda is a washed-up comic sketch artist and story writer whose days at the offices of Tales from the Crypt are numbered. When she submits her latest project, "Whirlpool," her boss Vern is furious. He's not happy with her recent work. She used to be the best writer on staff but now she can't even deliver her crappy stories on time anymore. He fires her. Now, she's furious. And itching for a little revenge. She goes to his office after everyone else in the building has gone home and confronts him; "I got a great new idea for a story." It's a story about a gal who kills her boss after he fires her. She shoots him dead and smiles. She's finally got her edge back. But that's not the end of it. There's a twist! One she might not be able to write her way out of. Literally.
I usually enjoy Mick Garris. I personally feel he's a bit underrated, though yeah he's never made a horror masterpiece up to the standards of the best from Craven, Romero, Carpenter, Argento, Cronenberg, Hooper, or many of his other favorite directors in the genre. But the general consensus fans have that this episode is weak is understandable. It's basically Groundhog Day only with a murder and comic book plot that takes place somewhere in the late 1940's. Which is fine. There's a lot they can do with this idea. They just...don't. It's not scary or tense, it's not funny or dark, it's not dangerous or particularly mean-spirted. It just shows you someone getting hastily shot and the cops show up and Rita Rudner (who I freaking love, by the way- she's hilarious... when she's doing stand-up) screams in slow-mo. And, you'd expect Rita Rudner to be funny when someone casts her, right? She doesn't even do her brilliant deadpan thing here. No sarcasm. No bite. Just an accent. And a "walk all over me, I won't mind" attitude which isn't entertaining. That's pretty much it. Though, overall the episode scores a few points for not being as annoyingly offensive as some of the other lesser episodes of the show. Although- the opening throws in some very pointless nudity and even for a campy send-up, the introductory murder story within-a-story really sucks. The end twist is a good one. And director Garris (and his knockout gorgeous wife, Cynthia, who could have been a star on her own) put in a cameo. Also, one of Rolanda's fellow writers in the episode, Iggy, is played by Crypt's leading writer and producer, A.L. Katz. I've seen worse.
Episode #4: "Operation Friendship"
Plot:
Nelson is a computer programs technician and designer who's been on the losing half of the human food chain his whole life. Both personally and professionally. His company peers step all over him and ignore his brilliant work (unless they can pass it off as their own), he lives alone in a cramped and messy little void of an apartment, has no friends in the whole world, and always feels low. Except when Eddie's around. Eddie is Nelson's imaginary friend, who's stayed with him even into his late 20's. And Eddie can always cheer him up, no matter how bad things get. Almost always. Nelson's been feeling especially down since his slimey co-worker Jack has been trying to cut him out of getting his much-deserved Vice President promotion. Then, Nelson meets Jane, a very sweet new neighbor who seems to really like him. They start dating, and now that he has a friend- he doesn't need Eddie anymore. But Eddie's got a real mind of his own and isn't going away that easily.
This season so far has been only barely getting by on quirky humor and lots of visual gags. This episode just drains all the fun out of that formula- trying to copy the 90's bomb Drop Dead Fred with less dangerous schlock and funky outrageousness. I'm not kidding. This episode is like an old-fashioned issue of Mad Magazine. Awful goofball antics and a stupid silly streak of one-liners delivered by Peter Dobson (Peter Jackson's shitty The Frighteners), who just loves doing impressions. Here he forgot his only good one: Elvis (see Drowning Mona for pieces of it here and there, in moderation). The guy leaps around everywhere doing "funny" voices, lame facial contortions, and wheeze-laughing. It's not amusing. Just irritating. And outdated. And not the least bit suited for the Crypt audience, who I hope are more adult than the people behind the camera who thought this material would fly as comedy. This episode isn't even up to Goosebumps standards. We're talking naive, simpler-time, after-dinner indigestion kind of thing here. On the plus side, Michelle Burke is a likable love interest and I finally get what Sandra Bullock saw in old boyfriend Tate Donovan. He spends much of the finale in just his boxer shorts and has the body to make it work. Those are the only redeeming factors here. An easy skip.
Episode #5: "Revenge is the Nuts"
Plot:
Sheila is the new resident at the Grunwald state institution for the blind. Though "inmate" would be a better way to describe her. Because Arnold Grunwald runs his institution like a prison- cold, dark rooms, bad food, locked doors, no bathrooms. He sadistically tortures the residents in a variety of ways. Sheila wants out. Now! She's a real tough kind of girl. She tries to sneak out but the front door is guarded by Bruno, a vicious attack dog who's never fed. The only real way out is through Grunwald's office. And he's always in there. He makes her an offer: sleep with him and he'll let her leave. It's an offer he won't allow her to refuse. The more she resists him, the worse he makes things for her and the other residents. Her only hope is Benny, a kindly handyman who works there. He's Grunwald's brother. One thing makes her nervous about him, however. It's that Grunwald loaned him out... from an insane asylum.
This episode suffers obviously from a feel of genuine Sunday-noon fatigue. You know what I mean? That feeling of sitting around on a day where nothing is going on anywhere and you're just trying to fight the blues. On a day like that, you'd prefer to be doing anything other than watching TV. As if the previous episode wasn't boring enough, this follow-up takes forever to get going. The scenes in the blue bedroom common are especially yawn-inducing. Which is a shame, because the look of this place is so close to being creepy. I think the music score may be to blame. This episode has an underlying non-serious vibe throughout. But the music suggests that this is an ultra-serious, tragic, and overly eventful drama when in fact, nothing is actually happening. That's not a dig at the episode. It starts by building up the characters and setting a tone with the dialogue and acting. The music score fights against that, trying to create a mood of oppression. What it does instead is make you resent its' cheap operatics. Otherwise, this episode has a lot of potential. The acting is very good, the characters are sympathetic, and Anthony Zerbe is a fantastic villain. The scenes in his office are the only fun break we get from the detention center of the rest of the episode, both in terms of the visual look and the 'fancy' Renaissance-y instrumental music that plays when we're in there. One complaint with him, though: he's always quoting something. I don't mind it that much but, my God, was that last one from Romeo & Juliet (of all things) really necessary? The twist kinda saves this from total failure. The details of which are very clever. And satisfying, in a shallow way. It works because the whole episode is shallow.
Episode #6: "The Bribe"
Plot:
Martin Zeller is an inspector who ensures buildings and businesses are safe for patrons to be in. He's also a very moral man with a problem. His daughter Hiley has been doing more than hanging around with a real low class of people. One of them is Puck, owner of a sleazy strip club. And word of this is getting around to Hiley's upper class acquaintances and her rich boyfriend, who dumps her. If only there was something he could do to keep her away from Puck. So he becomes a fire marshal and gains the power to shut Puck's club down. Then, she gets kicked out of her college when they cut back on funding- including middle class Hiley's free scholarship. There's no way her father can afford her tuition. He would hate to see Hiley fall out of her new upper class climb. And he'll do anything to make sure that doesn't happen. Even if it means accepting a $60,000 bribe from Puck to keep from shutting down his club. Now he can afford to keep Hiley in college. But money makes people do very bad things. And Zeller has a plan in mind to do something very bad. A plan he thinks will finally teach Puck a lesson. But he's playing with fire. And when you do that, someone always gets burned...
Finally- an episode that perks the season up after what is perhaps its' longest slump ever: 4 bad episodes in a row. And not just any episode either, like a lightweight comedic romp or another non-serious "Split Second" either. But an honest-to-God dark, intelligent, highly relevant social satire. One that brilliantly points the finger at the kind of Mel Gibson or Bruce Willis thriller hero and mocks them for their middle-class appeal and conservative but equally dopey demeanor. By locating the naivety inherent in the not always obvious narrow-mindedness of their characters and dumb simplicity of the typical thriller set-up. Things in this episode only appear to be this simple. But everything's a double-edged sword. We already know how ugly and sleazy this strip club is and Puck is so obnoxious that it makes you think the only person you have to relate to is Zeller. The twist, however, reveals that there's another character deserving of more credit than you might have originally given them.
You may think upon first glance that this is a nihilistic episode about what a sad, dirty, and sick place the world is, or that it's about that kind of poor father who has to struggle with hardship and tough choices. This is almost like a freakshow, where this guy is the ultimate idiot. We know how closely he clings to his naive beliefs. Like for instance, how people are either good or bad, and are not really somewhere inbetween. That's what eventually makes this a successful and subversive little episode. When you can finally tell that it's not necessarily agreeing with Zeller. That his daughter is really a good girl at heart. There's no such thing as a girl who lives a completely clean life. In fact; there's no such thing as a completely clean life. Best of all; when Zeller does become a hypocrite, he thinks he isn't one. He's completely clueless. Anyway- great episode. Great music too. I don't know who Pray for Rain are, but I like 'em. One complaint: that damn ant-guy scene. It's the only campy thing in this episode and it's really stupid.
Episode #7: "The Pit"
Plot:
Felix Johnson and Aaron Scott are the two greatest martial arts fighters around. And they remain so, after their huge title cagefight ended in a draw. The public at large are debating who would have won, after rumors start over one of them having sabotaged the weapons the show provides the fighters to make the matches more spectacular. This leads to an intense war of words between Felix and Aaron's manager-wives, fiery private school snob Andrea and buxom, brash Texas brawler Aubrey, and a storm of media attention. This catches the eye of bored, rich Wink Barnum, who has the money and connections to arrange the ultimate TV event, a rematch between Felix and Aaron; "Kaos in the Kage"! The winner of which gets the ultimate prize: the starring role in 20th Century Fox's new blockbuster action flick, The Pulverizer. Now, if only Andrea and Aubrey can agree on the terms, it'll happen. To finally beat the other in their long battle for superiority, each girl expects her man to kill the other. Felix and Aaron are horrified at the idea of this. But on the night, when the TV cameras are rolling and audiences are tuned in... there will be blood.
Amazing idea... Like No Holds Barred or The Running Man, from the beginning you know the focus is going to be on the viciousness of the people behind the scenes as much or more than in front of the camera. Only where the managers are tougher than the fighters. I was really excited to see this, and hey- throw in cheeseball king Wayne Newton, and this should shape up to be a sure-fire winner, right? Not exactly. Right off the bat, we're treated to that terrible direct-to-video aesthetic of that endless parade of martial arts and streetfighting movies on Cinemax or HBO. The Steven Seagall and Jean Claude Van Damme fare. The actors playing the fighters have no charsima, there's too much focus on the glitz and flash of the bad, cheapo early 90's TV studio sets (which we saw plenty of in the dismal 80's with the perhaps underrated Running Man), and... Debbe Dunning. Do I have to say it? No serious director hires her for any ambitious project. I don't want to be a snob (though I was kinda routing for Andrea) but, with a resume including Leprechaun 4: In Space and, of course being the replacement for Pamela Anderson on Home Improvement- she's just plain grating on the nerves. If an "actress" like that is hired for one thing - to show off her huge tits - and she doesn't do it... Why hire her? Is the allure supposed to be enough? Anyway, the twist is an amusing novelty. But they could have done a lot more with it. Not to mention, the overabundant humor here doesn't really work. Had they spent more money (or had it to spend in the first place), this could have been a real drama that explored the bordering-on-sexual relationship between the two women. Their fighting is only a mere stone's throw away from what you get with married couples. I'm mostly disappointed with what the twist suggests. The girls are too busy only sniffing each other for a rat, when instead they should set their sights higher. In this case, they could have been smarter. Can't women be tough and intelligent at the same time? This predates the mainstream popularity of UFC by a decade at least. But give me Mortal Kombat any day.
Episode #8: "The Assassin"
Plot:
Janet McKay is living the American dream. She has a beautiful house in the suburbs and is married to a great husband. She's the perfect housewife in every way. And nothing is going to stand in the way of her dinner party at 7:00. However, when she comes home from shopping, she finds that she has three unexpected guests. And they don't knock before letting themselves in. They explain to her: they're CIA agents who've been sent to find her husband Jeremy, that he's a runaway assassin for the government who's changed his appearence and identity, and that because agents are never allowed to leave on their own- they have to kill him. Now since she knows too much, they have to kill her also. Janet insists they've got the wrong man. It's just her, all alone, against 3 merciless professional killers with guns. How will she ever beat them?
A-ha... Now this is Tales from the Crypt at its' finest. In fact, this is a classic throwback that is so freaking classic, it could easily fit in (were it actually made back then) with season 2 or 3's legendary offerings. Or even with season 5's bizarre, detailed, sexually radical fare. It could have had a little more to it. They all could. But- this one is real smart, constantly twisting, with an end both wonderfully tongue-in-cheek and pitched black as can-be, a great set-up, and a satisfying, shocking, fun follow-through. It makes the most out of its' entire concept. It's very well-cast. Including: Chelsea Field (Dust Devil), Shelley Hack (Troll), and Corey Feldman (The Lost Boys), who all do an excellent job. And it's clever and creepy in ways you might not expect. For example- the camerawork is sharp and full of tricks. I'd say more but I don't want to ruin the surprise. And this one's got a real surprise in store for you. If you've never seen it before- do not read up on it! You won't want to guess this twist before you see the episode. Season 6's best, by far.
Episode #9: "Staired in Horror"
Plot:
Clyde is on the run from the law. He comes to the door of Lilian Charbonnet and begs the old woman to let him in. She's suspicious of him, but does let him in. He is overly gracious and thanks her, then tells her the sheriff is after him because he had an affair with the sheriff's daughter. The sheriff knocks on her door not a minute later and tells her the reason he and the lynch mob behind him are chasing Clyde is because he killed and robbed an old man earlier that day. A minute after the sheriff and the mob are gone- Clyde shows his true colors, and threatens to kill her. She reminds him that if he kills her, he'll never get away. Then she goes upstairs... Later on, a voice calls him by his name. He sees a beautiful young woman standing at the upstairs balcony, who seems happy to find him there. He wants to get a closer look at her. But she doesn't want him to come up the stairs nor does she want to come down the stairs to him. Eventually he goes up the stairs and learns the very worrying secret the women have been keeping from him.
When R. Lee Ermey is the best actor in a movie or television episode, you know you're in trouble. D.B. Sweeney (who isn't even that foxy anyway) is a thief, murderer, and first-class jerk. We see him running through the woods in some southern state and he finds a plantation-like home and a dried-up southern-belle and the whole thing reeks of someone behind the camera having a thing for Gone with the Wind. He's a really bad actor and she's (Rachel Ticotin) actually not much better. But the episode does improve quite a lot when the style really kicks in (director Stephen Hopkins has no real winners in the horror genre but his stuff always sure looks GORGEOUS). As soon as Sweeney starts acting like an old man and can't give us his pathetic toughguy routine anymore. Think about that, seriously- he's bullying an "old woman." How tough is that? Thankfully- it's not sleazy at all, and you're really allowed to finally get into the story once you know what the deal with the stairs is all about. And, shockingly- a classic twist ending. Surprisingly creepy. One to check out maybe once. I've re-viewed it a couple more times and I know from experience that it doesn't get any better or worse. I respect that.
Episode #10: "In the Groove"
Plot:
Gary and Rita are brother and sister owners of a radio station. She's a cold, bitter business woman who makes the corporate decisions and he's the station's biggest embarrassment- an angry, out of control sexual fantasy talk show host with no callers. After he loses his last sponsor, Rita shakes things up by moving his show to a new time slot and then, partners him up with bookish blonde Valerie. Valerie says she has some ideas on how to make it better. On his first night with her, things begin to get steamy. The call-in lines light up like crazy. His ratings rise. Eventually, after the first month of this- his show becomes a hit. And his sister Rita is none too happy about it. Neither, to his surprise, is Valerie. She wants him to talk about something other than sex. When he does, old family wounds open up. Rita goes on the warpath. And his worst nightmare comes true...
Miguel Ferrer is such a hottie. Now, here's a man who can (somehow) get away with a toughguy front. Though not so much in this episode, where he plays a frustrated D.J. whose show has a theme about sex. He just... complains too much. And, taking the awful twist into account, is so easy to manipulate that you realize he wasn't a strong character to begin with- unlike the toughguys in earlier episodes (i.e.: Lance Henriksen's Reno in "Cutting Cards"). The only person here with any real character is sitcom pro Wendie Malick, stunning as always as the evil, bitchy sister. It's not a great bitch role, but she looks great playing it. Then, we've got the blonde (Linda Doucett) who is pretty flat. I have a hard time believing she gets in anyone's head. Anyway, the twist in this episode is so bad, that you realize how much you wish they would have gone for something supernatural. Heck, The Ben Stiller Show did a parody of Tales from the Crypt that is shockingly similar to this episode's storyline and yet- that had a better twist than this boring "conspiracy" plot. Who else was waiting to see the ghost of the evil dead mother come back and kill someone? Also, not enough shots of Ferrer in those leather pants. Cameos include the adorable Rusty Schwimmer (Candyman, Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday) as a jilted caller (why is she dressed like she works at a fast-food chicken franchise?), and - believe it or not - the real Slash from Guns 'N Roses playing another D.J. who I can only assume is supposed to be a fake Slash.
Episode #11: "Surprise Party"
Plot:
Ray Wells is a young man who's just lucked into a big inheritance. Or so, he thinks. Following his father's death, he's now the owner of his father's properties. Including an old farm house which burned down many years ago. For some reason, Ray is much too eager to see that particular piece of property. Even after, on his death bed, his father tells him it's cursed. Also, after driving up and renting a room at a nearby motel, the woman in charge warns him he shouldn't go up to see it. He doesn't listen.
One bad door closes and another bad door opens. This time, it's Adam Storke stinking things up (his performance here makes Stephen Shellen in "Lover Come Hack to Me" look like Laurence Olivier) as a greedy little bastard son of a corrupt property owner (something to do with food, since he's a business man who owns a farm). Only to discover it's full of sorta-hippies having a drugged-out party there. Truly, the only plusses to this terrible episode are a little style and Bette Ford. I don't know who she is or where she came from, but she's amazing here. She's so good, she should have been the old women in "Staired in Horror." She's so good and spooky here, she could have been the Crazy Ralph of the 1990's. The only moment (other than her scene) that sparked any interest in me whatsoever was after the bastard-son's non-fling upstairs, you look up and see... are there huge holes in the ceiling and wall? It's trickling rain outside- it's been raining during the entire episode. They would have gotten soaked!
Actually... I'm going to spoil this one for you. I hope you're ready. The beginning and all the stuff the characters say about curses and how scared they are and all the warnings and things like, "let God be with you...," you're getting ready for a really scary finale. Then, when you see all the dancing people hanging around and you hear that kinda creepy saxophone dance song come on, you start getting ideas that you really like. Certainly, I was thinking that this episode was going to let loose in a fury at the end. Then, you hear the partiers say things like, "I'm the one who's going to" bite them, and "I was just praying you weren't going to be some pathetic little creature"... Man, my head was going crazy. This is going to be a gorefest, isn't it? Well... then Ray is about to have sex with a blonde girl and her boyfriend runs up, Ray shoots him with a gun, smothers the blonde girl to death with a pillow (all the while, this AWFUL farty-drumming orchestral score is anti-climatically roaring away), and runs downstairs where all the partiers are now standing around dead (and I'm telling you, the special effects makeup here SUCKS!) and they give him a long, boring lecture- which they end with, "we're very tired. Maybe now we can get some rest." And then... They put him down on the floor, douse him with kerosene, and light him on fire. Cheese City. And, I'm not talking about the entertaining kind of cheesiness either. BAD BAD BAD. Probably the worst of the entire season. Skip.
Episode #12: "Doctor of Horror"
Plot:
Richard and Charlie are good friends who've just been hired as the new security guards at Callahan's Mortuary after their boss suspects that someone is stealing bodies from their building. Their first minute on the job, they learn he was right. They catch mad surgeon Orloff - who's recently been banned from practicing in hospitals - stealing one of their bodies. He makes a deal with them: he'll pay them $500 if they'll help him get away with taking the corpse. When they get to Orloff's private slab-lab, he tells them that what he's after are the souls of the bodies he's collected. Believing the soul is tangible and located inside the body, Orloff tries to surgically remove it and keep it for himself. Richard is very excited about this new gig and the money. But Charlie, being somewhat religious, is tormented by what he's helping the insane Orloff to do and wants to go to the police before it's too late. But Richard knows it's too late and isn't going to let Charlie mess things up. Unfortunately for Richard and Orloff, Charlie's smarter than he appears.
Fuck me gently with a chainsaw... This show actually can be intelligent at times! After 3 episodes as bad as episodes 9 through 11 of this season have been, I legitimately forgot that. Finally; an episode in a string I can honestly say I had fun with! The comic talent here is just incredible- country singer Travis Tritt (who I didn't know was also an actor but is nonetheless very amusing here), the Weasel-King himself: Austin Pendleton (The Muppet Movie, My Cousin Vinny, Mr. Nanny, Guarding Tess), hunky wild-man Hank Azaria (who we all know is a genius and has huge mainstream credits to prove it), and an A-typically angry Ben Stein (usually he's just mockingly deadpan- Casper, The Mask). I laughed, I smiled, I was entertained and grossed out. The writing here is really good, the ideas are interesting, and the performances really work. As does the mindfully-creepy tone. The music score is understated and adds to the gross proceedings. And even though it is gross, the brains here really pay off. However, it eventually suffers from the series' need for a twist. So, we get the most cliched and obvious choice for a twist. It's not satisfying and it pretty much sucks the fun mood the episode built up. Otherwise, this is a great episode. And... newly-2nd careered Republican slimeball Stein is viciously murdered, then violated post-mortem by weirdo Azaria. Yay!
Episode #13: "Comes the Dawn"
Plot:
Colonel Parker and Corporal Burrows are two ex-soldiers with some skeletons in their closet. They head out to the Alaskan wilderness to do some animal poaching, procuring the services of a local girl called Jeri Drumbeater as their guide. She turns out to be an ex-soldier as well who was awarded a purple heart on the same mission Parker was on. The three choose an abandoned weather station as the location for their traps. But when it comes time to set them, Parker has an excuse to get out of doing any hard work. This leaves Jeri and Burrows alone and they get to talking. She suggests that Parker may be trying to cheat Burrows out of getting his fair share from the expedition. Is she trying to turn them against each other? Or... is she, in a subtle way, trying to warn them? Then, they start hearing horrible, freaky noises from the frozen bunker next door to a nearby tunnel. Do they dare check it out?
Another good episode after a long streak of losers. This one is particularly satisfying because it has a devilish anti-military revenge pay-off that I don't think anyone could have seen coming. One that also makes the most of girl-power. The set-up seems kinda stupid at first with the two jerk "man's" men, but even then it's full of vigor. Since it's so cold in this story, though, it's pretty obvious what this locale is the ideal hiding place for. Cold blood, hibernation, and since this is a horror story- hungering for human prey? I'm sure even you're going: "oh, how obvious is that?!" The acting is quite good, the music stinks, the special effects are... really icky. A lot of people will not be too happy with the creatures of this episode. I especially prefer my blood-suckers to look less like aliens and more like people. Overall, this is very effective. Since it's about war. And you have to love the awesome Vivian Wu's final line.
Episode #14: "99 & 44/100% Pure Horror"
Plot:
Willa Sandleton is a luscious young artist married to older man, Luden. He's a nice enough guy. He's also the one who's basically made her name and given her a career through his line of beauty products. But Luden's share holders are convinced her "controversial" designs are partly to blame for drastically low sales. Strike 1. She is booked a guest appearence on a morning talk show to discuss her new paintings. She's enthusiastic at first, only to discover they just want to accuse her of being a has been. Strike 2. After telling her Derma Smooth wants to get rid of her existing artwork, she gets really excited about designing a brand new campaign. Only for Luden to tell her the share holders have already hired another artist. Strike 3. It's been a really bad day and Willa's mad enough to kill! And she does. But before the end of this day... there may be two dead bodies.
Back to Shallow-land, for this very inventive take on the old reliable gold-digger formula. This wife doesn't want her husband's money all that much, she wants his position and power to give her a career. To use his business to force her art into the public's face. But nobody likes her Laura Mars-ian graphic art or her snotty attitude (though I had a lot of fun with it and I think you will too), and all she's left with are her looks and a strangely devoted husband who's actually willing to forgive her cheating on him if she'll just give him a little of her fire every now and then. The concept is handled with an initial plainness and a couple silly scenes of social commentary. But that's cast aside in favor of the thrill of watching her try to get away with a murder and a really nasty twist ending that can only be described as "see it to believe it!!!" A truly unforgettable episode that delivers on its' truly bizarre novelty. Cristi Conaway is fabulous here- it's a shame her only mainstream exposure prior to this was as the equally ill-fated Ice Princess in Tim Burton's Batman Returns. Rodman Flender (Leprechaun 2, Idle Hands) directs. The guy knows a few things about gore and certainly knows how to deliver some fun moments in the genre.
Episode #15: "You, Murderer"
Plot:
Lou Spinelli is a former criminal who is now a respected business man, tax-payer, and charity contributer. He's only afraid of one thing- people finding out about his past. When he was a criminal, he did everything- rob, cheat, and kill. He was even so afraid of anyone finding out, he had his best friend - plastic surgeon, Oscar - give him a completely different face. He just has one problem. His conniving wife, Betty, who absolutely hates him. Then he realizes... Betty knows about his past. She'll call the police! He'll go to jail! He might even get the electric chair! He tells Oscar and Oscar has one suggestion: they have someone kill her. Things don't exactly go as planned though. After a double-cross and a shock revelation, Lou dies. At least, that's what Lou has gathered from the people poking and prodding his body as he watches, saying aloud; "he's dead." Is he really dead? Is this what death is like? What are Lou's killers going to do with him next?
Maybe I'm a sucker for these after-life episodes where someone is alive inside a dead body, because GOD that is one fucking terrifying scenario. But I also enjoy almost anything with people in suits or high heels hurriedly walking over incredibly slick or polished hard floors. Here- it's Isabella Rosselini and Sherilyn Fenn clicking all over the place trying to help or hurt Humphrey Bogart, and the very theatrical John Lithgow being more reserved than usual (which still means he's flying into a rage of body movements, at least compared to his co-stars). In a very cool-looking gangster-era posh American apartment. Like the kind Sal the Shark would have, only not on the ground-floor and with fewer dead animals hanging on the wall. Another fun novelty here is the "you-are-the-main-character" point of view shot. So, everything is one big continuous long shot and a ton of wide shots. I don't know if this is trademark to any Bogart films (I've never seen one). Though Trailers from Hell informs me that this device was used at least once before in Lady in the Lake (1941). So clearly, with me style goes a long way. Apart from how cool this is (and how much I thought Rosselini made the right choice, dumping Lou for Lithgow - I guess I have a thing for funny guys), I thought it lost a little steam during the flashbacks. And, well- Isabella Rosselini isn't exactly a great actress. Her little "I'M LEAVING YOU!" tirade is just awful. Also, Lou is an annoying character after more than 10 minutes. Not to mention, this writing is quite pretentious at time. Everything sounds like it was originally written for Humphrey Bogart himself. This is one case where I really don't mind period, but... damn, not everything has to be done in that stale 1940's gangsta-ish mumbo jumbo.
Sorry for the softness of the pics in the last 3 episodes. The 3rd DVD in my copy of the Season 6 boxset won't play on my computer's DVD-ROM player. The pics from episodes 13, 14, and 15 are taken from YouTube.
★★
As I said in my Season 5 review, all good things must come to an end. And Season 6 wasn't the end for Tales from the Crypt. But not only did it mark the end of Crypt's American shift, but it was also the end-end ("Well Cooked Hams" was truly the beginning of the end, so the beginning was already at hand before this point) of the show's ability to produce consistently good episodes. As a result, for this 6th season, there are very, very few standouts. That's pretty depressing- isn't it? However, for a send-off to this series, it's not completely dismiss-able. There are at least a select few episodes that make this season a must-own for serious Crypt fans. Without further ado, here it is- the final review:
Episode #1: "Let the Punishment Fit the Crime"
Plot:
Geraldine Ferrett is a cut-throat attourney with a history of controversial, high profile cases and a reputation for being really tough. Then, she comes to the small town of Stueksville and finds out what it feels like to be on the other side of the law. You see, Stueksville is a very strict town. And their courthouse has legalized torture and corporal punishment for use in the sentences of anyone they find guilty. For even the slightest offense. Geraldine's public defender, the doofy-looking Austin Haggard, knows the Stueksville system better than she does. And she should trust him. But being a fellow attourney, she can't stand him. She doesn't just want out of her bullshit traffic ticket, but she wants to show off her skills as well. This turns out to not be her wisest course of action- she ends up going right back through the system repeatedly and being given a new and more horrible sentence every time she opens her big mouth. There's a chance she could get the electric chair! Can she talk her way out of that?
This is actually one of my favorite Crypt episodes. Because I love Catherine O'Hara. She's beautiful, sexy, brassy, and always hilarious. And because, naturally, I love a good cold bitch type. Which one could argue she was already playing in Home Alone (she's much more sympathetic in the Lost in New York sequel). And of course, Beetlejuice. Who didn't love her there? And she's got one hell of a supporting cast including the way too cute Kevin Cooney (Legally Blonde), the slick as ice Brit pro Joseph Maher (Sister Act), Wesley Mann (Disney's Adventures in Wonderland), and the always scary, even in comedic roles, Peter MacNicol (Addams Family Values, Ghostbusters 2). I don't know if this is funny but (with the exception of the stupid guilt-ghouls that pop up a couple times) it sure is fun. And really tense. If you thought stuff like Ghosts of Mississippi and JFK are intense- try doubling that here. In fact, it's a little too intense. I swear I felt like I was on-trial here. God knows people who take the law into their own hands and overzealous conservative judges are always scary (of course, I found the 1991 hicktown-court comedy Nothing but Trouble to be more outrageous). But it ends up being fun because O'Hara really does deserve what's coming to her. If only they had dialed down the supernatural stuff. I mean- why do the doors of this courthouse magically lead to rooms they're not connected to? This ain't Labyrinth.
★★½
Episode #2: "Only Skin Deep"
Plot:
It's Halloween night, and the creeps are coming out to play. One of them is Carl Schlag, a CPA accountant; a man who just can't keep a girlfriend. His ex, Linda, says the reason for that is that he beat her viciously. And she was lucky- Carl's last girlfriend was killed! She says he did it. At a party, the word's going around: Carl's bad news. He tells mysterious, sexy, masked stranger Molly that Linda's a liar. Molly wants to leave the party and invites Carl to tag along. They go back to her apartment and have sex. When he wakes up, Molly's making a lot of noise with tools in another room. What is she doing in there? She gives him a drink and he starts to feel woozy. She's drugged him. What does she want from him? And, why won't she take off that mask?
This episode, directed by future Showtime Masters of Horror series alumni William Malone, flaunts his trademark gritty, dirty city-gothic style. Which I suspect could have worked in a different episode. Turns out though, this is really better suited to music videos. I don't know if he was ever a director of said fare, but this episode suffers from a badly constructed story with lots of little flaws. As I said before- the style is fine, and the music (score and band tunes) are sweet, tragic, atmospheric, creepy, and fun. But Carl's backstory is poorly assembled and the Linda plotline doesn't work (especially when you see how it's affected her - not only does she go looking for a fight with Carl, in public no less, but she's too immodest and aggressively foward about how helpless she was during their abusive relationship). Also, he's pretentious as hell. "I just wanna enrich an already wonderful thing"?! You've gotta be kidding me. Is he supposed to believe he means that or what? It might work if we knew the answer. And of course, there's the twist. It bites. It doesn't really make sense and it doesn't mean anything either. There's no special significance to or about it whatsoever. Initially, I gave Sherrie Rose (Season 4's wretched "On a Deadman's Chest") a lot of credit for her performance here. But now, I take it back. She's great in her first scene. But she can't emote. Not to mention, there's nothing written for her to really do. Her act becomes stale fast. She can't even pull off an easy line like, "I don't want you to know me." Then, there's an overlong sex scene that does nothing for me. Sex is for pornos. Unless there's a real point to it. Just to indulge his fantasy of being a good-guy later on isn't enough. His "change" doesn't resonate. Which is a shame, because like I said- the music here is REALLY good, especially toward the end. Kudos to director Malone though for showing off quite a bit of beefy actor Peter Onorati. But, his Masters of Horror contribution, "The Fair Haired Child" was 10 times better than this. At least.
★½
Episode #3: "Whirlpool"
Plot:
Rolanda is a washed-up comic sketch artist and story writer whose days at the offices of Tales from the Crypt are numbered. When she submits her latest project, "Whirlpool," her boss Vern is furious. He's not happy with her recent work. She used to be the best writer on staff but now she can't even deliver her crappy stories on time anymore. He fires her. Now, she's furious. And itching for a little revenge. She goes to his office after everyone else in the building has gone home and confronts him; "I got a great new idea for a story." It's a story about a gal who kills her boss after he fires her. She shoots him dead and smiles. She's finally got her edge back. But that's not the end of it. There's a twist! One she might not be able to write her way out of. Literally.
I usually enjoy Mick Garris. I personally feel he's a bit underrated, though yeah he's never made a horror masterpiece up to the standards of the best from Craven, Romero, Carpenter, Argento, Cronenberg, Hooper, or many of his other favorite directors in the genre. But the general consensus fans have that this episode is weak is understandable. It's basically Groundhog Day only with a murder and comic book plot that takes place somewhere in the late 1940's. Which is fine. There's a lot they can do with this idea. They just...don't. It's not scary or tense, it's not funny or dark, it's not dangerous or particularly mean-spirted. It just shows you someone getting hastily shot and the cops show up and Rita Rudner (who I freaking love, by the way- she's hilarious... when she's doing stand-up) screams in slow-mo. And, you'd expect Rita Rudner to be funny when someone casts her, right? She doesn't even do her brilliant deadpan thing here. No sarcasm. No bite. Just an accent. And a "walk all over me, I won't mind" attitude which isn't entertaining. That's pretty much it. Though, overall the episode scores a few points for not being as annoyingly offensive as some of the other lesser episodes of the show. Although- the opening throws in some very pointless nudity and even for a campy send-up, the introductory murder story within-a-story really sucks. The end twist is a good one. And director Garris (and his knockout gorgeous wife, Cynthia, who could have been a star on her own) put in a cameo. Also, one of Rolanda's fellow writers in the episode, Iggy, is played by Crypt's leading writer and producer, A.L. Katz. I've seen worse.
★★
Episode #4: "Operation Friendship"
Plot:
Nelson is a computer programs technician and designer who's been on the losing half of the human food chain his whole life. Both personally and professionally. His company peers step all over him and ignore his brilliant work (unless they can pass it off as their own), he lives alone in a cramped and messy little void of an apartment, has no friends in the whole world, and always feels low. Except when Eddie's around. Eddie is Nelson's imaginary friend, who's stayed with him even into his late 20's. And Eddie can always cheer him up, no matter how bad things get. Almost always. Nelson's been feeling especially down since his slimey co-worker Jack has been trying to cut him out of getting his much-deserved Vice President promotion. Then, Nelson meets Jane, a very sweet new neighbor who seems to really like him. They start dating, and now that he has a friend- he doesn't need Eddie anymore. But Eddie's got a real mind of his own and isn't going away that easily.
This season so far has been only barely getting by on quirky humor and lots of visual gags. This episode just drains all the fun out of that formula- trying to copy the 90's bomb Drop Dead Fred with less dangerous schlock and funky outrageousness. I'm not kidding. This episode is like an old-fashioned issue of Mad Magazine. Awful goofball antics and a stupid silly streak of one-liners delivered by Peter Dobson (Peter Jackson's shitty The Frighteners), who just loves doing impressions. Here he forgot his only good one: Elvis (see Drowning Mona for pieces of it here and there, in moderation). The guy leaps around everywhere doing "funny" voices, lame facial contortions, and wheeze-laughing. It's not amusing. Just irritating. And outdated. And not the least bit suited for the Crypt audience, who I hope are more adult than the people behind the camera who thought this material would fly as comedy. This episode isn't even up to Goosebumps standards. We're talking naive, simpler-time, after-dinner indigestion kind of thing here. On the plus side, Michelle Burke is a likable love interest and I finally get what Sandra Bullock saw in old boyfriend Tate Donovan. He spends much of the finale in just his boxer shorts and has the body to make it work. Those are the only redeeming factors here. An easy skip.
★½
Episode #5: "Revenge is the Nuts"
Plot:
Sheila is the new resident at the Grunwald state institution for the blind. Though "inmate" would be a better way to describe her. Because Arnold Grunwald runs his institution like a prison- cold, dark rooms, bad food, locked doors, no bathrooms. He sadistically tortures the residents in a variety of ways. Sheila wants out. Now! She's a real tough kind of girl. She tries to sneak out but the front door is guarded by Bruno, a vicious attack dog who's never fed. The only real way out is through Grunwald's office. And he's always in there. He makes her an offer: sleep with him and he'll let her leave. It's an offer he won't allow her to refuse. The more she resists him, the worse he makes things for her and the other residents. Her only hope is Benny, a kindly handyman who works there. He's Grunwald's brother. One thing makes her nervous about him, however. It's that Grunwald loaned him out... from an insane asylum.
This episode suffers obviously from a feel of genuine Sunday-noon fatigue. You know what I mean? That feeling of sitting around on a day where nothing is going on anywhere and you're just trying to fight the blues. On a day like that, you'd prefer to be doing anything other than watching TV. As if the previous episode wasn't boring enough, this follow-up takes forever to get going. The scenes in the blue bedroom common are especially yawn-inducing. Which is a shame, because the look of this place is so close to being creepy. I think the music score may be to blame. This episode has an underlying non-serious vibe throughout. But the music suggests that this is an ultra-serious, tragic, and overly eventful drama when in fact, nothing is actually happening. That's not a dig at the episode. It starts by building up the characters and setting a tone with the dialogue and acting. The music score fights against that, trying to create a mood of oppression. What it does instead is make you resent its' cheap operatics. Otherwise, this episode has a lot of potential. The acting is very good, the characters are sympathetic, and Anthony Zerbe is a fantastic villain. The scenes in his office are the only fun break we get from the detention center of the rest of the episode, both in terms of the visual look and the 'fancy' Renaissance-y instrumental music that plays when we're in there. One complaint with him, though: he's always quoting something. I don't mind it that much but, my God, was that last one from Romeo & Juliet (of all things) really necessary? The twist kinda saves this from total failure. The details of which are very clever. And satisfying, in a shallow way. It works because the whole episode is shallow.
★★
Episode #6: "The Bribe"
Plot:
Martin Zeller is an inspector who ensures buildings and businesses are safe for patrons to be in. He's also a very moral man with a problem. His daughter Hiley has been doing more than hanging around with a real low class of people. One of them is Puck, owner of a sleazy strip club. And word of this is getting around to Hiley's upper class acquaintances and her rich boyfriend, who dumps her. If only there was something he could do to keep her away from Puck. So he becomes a fire marshal and gains the power to shut Puck's club down. Then, she gets kicked out of her college when they cut back on funding- including middle class Hiley's free scholarship. There's no way her father can afford her tuition. He would hate to see Hiley fall out of her new upper class climb. And he'll do anything to make sure that doesn't happen. Even if it means accepting a $60,000 bribe from Puck to keep from shutting down his club. Now he can afford to keep Hiley in college. But money makes people do very bad things. And Zeller has a plan in mind to do something very bad. A plan he thinks will finally teach Puck a lesson. But he's playing with fire. And when you do that, someone always gets burned...
Finally- an episode that perks the season up after what is perhaps its' longest slump ever: 4 bad episodes in a row. And not just any episode either, like a lightweight comedic romp or another non-serious "Split Second" either. But an honest-to-God dark, intelligent, highly relevant social satire. One that brilliantly points the finger at the kind of Mel Gibson or Bruce Willis thriller hero and mocks them for their middle-class appeal and conservative but equally dopey demeanor. By locating the naivety inherent in the not always obvious narrow-mindedness of their characters and dumb simplicity of the typical thriller set-up. Things in this episode only appear to be this simple. But everything's a double-edged sword. We already know how ugly and sleazy this strip club is and Puck is so obnoxious that it makes you think the only person you have to relate to is Zeller. The twist, however, reveals that there's another character deserving of more credit than you might have originally given them.
You may think upon first glance that this is a nihilistic episode about what a sad, dirty, and sick place the world is, or that it's about that kind of poor father who has to struggle with hardship and tough choices. This is almost like a freakshow, where this guy is the ultimate idiot. We know how closely he clings to his naive beliefs. Like for instance, how people are either good or bad, and are not really somewhere inbetween. That's what eventually makes this a successful and subversive little episode. When you can finally tell that it's not necessarily agreeing with Zeller. That his daughter is really a good girl at heart. There's no such thing as a girl who lives a completely clean life. In fact; there's no such thing as a completely clean life. Best of all; when Zeller does become a hypocrite, he thinks he isn't one. He's completely clueless. Anyway- great episode. Great music too. I don't know who Pray for Rain are, but I like 'em. One complaint: that damn ant-guy scene. It's the only campy thing in this episode and it's really stupid.
★★★
Episode #7: "The Pit"
Plot:
Felix Johnson and Aaron Scott are the two greatest martial arts fighters around. And they remain so, after their huge title cagefight ended in a draw. The public at large are debating who would have won, after rumors start over one of them having sabotaged the weapons the show provides the fighters to make the matches more spectacular. This leads to an intense war of words between Felix and Aaron's manager-wives, fiery private school snob Andrea and buxom, brash Texas brawler Aubrey, and a storm of media attention. This catches the eye of bored, rich Wink Barnum, who has the money and connections to arrange the ultimate TV event, a rematch between Felix and Aaron; "Kaos in the Kage"! The winner of which gets the ultimate prize: the starring role in 20th Century Fox's new blockbuster action flick, The Pulverizer. Now, if only Andrea and Aubrey can agree on the terms, it'll happen. To finally beat the other in their long battle for superiority, each girl expects her man to kill the other. Felix and Aaron are horrified at the idea of this. But on the night, when the TV cameras are rolling and audiences are tuned in... there will be blood.
Amazing idea... Like No Holds Barred or The Running Man, from the beginning you know the focus is going to be on the viciousness of the people behind the scenes as much or more than in front of the camera. Only where the managers are tougher than the fighters. I was really excited to see this, and hey- throw in cheeseball king Wayne Newton, and this should shape up to be a sure-fire winner, right? Not exactly. Right off the bat, we're treated to that terrible direct-to-video aesthetic of that endless parade of martial arts and streetfighting movies on Cinemax or HBO. The Steven Seagall and Jean Claude Van Damme fare. The actors playing the fighters have no charsima, there's too much focus on the glitz and flash of the bad, cheapo early 90's TV studio sets (which we saw plenty of in the dismal 80's with the perhaps underrated Running Man), and... Debbe Dunning. Do I have to say it? No serious director hires her for any ambitious project. I don't want to be a snob (though I was kinda routing for Andrea) but, with a resume including Leprechaun 4: In Space and, of course being the replacement for Pamela Anderson on Home Improvement- she's just plain grating on the nerves. If an "actress" like that is hired for one thing - to show off her huge tits - and she doesn't do it... Why hire her? Is the allure supposed to be enough? Anyway, the twist is an amusing novelty. But they could have done a lot more with it. Not to mention, the overabundant humor here doesn't really work. Had they spent more money (or had it to spend in the first place), this could have been a real drama that explored the bordering-on-sexual relationship between the two women. Their fighting is only a mere stone's throw away from what you get with married couples. I'm mostly disappointed with what the twist suggests. The girls are too busy only sniffing each other for a rat, when instead they should set their sights higher. In this case, they could have been smarter. Can't women be tough and intelligent at the same time? This predates the mainstream popularity of UFC by a decade at least. But give me Mortal Kombat any day.
★★
Episode #8: "The Assassin"
Plot:
Janet McKay is living the American dream. She has a beautiful house in the suburbs and is married to a great husband. She's the perfect housewife in every way. And nothing is going to stand in the way of her dinner party at 7:00. However, when she comes home from shopping, she finds that she has three unexpected guests. And they don't knock before letting themselves in. They explain to her: they're CIA agents who've been sent to find her husband Jeremy, that he's a runaway assassin for the government who's changed his appearence and identity, and that because agents are never allowed to leave on their own- they have to kill him. Now since she knows too much, they have to kill her also. Janet insists they've got the wrong man. It's just her, all alone, against 3 merciless professional killers with guns. How will she ever beat them?
A-ha... Now this is Tales from the Crypt at its' finest. In fact, this is a classic throwback that is so freaking classic, it could easily fit in (were it actually made back then) with season 2 or 3's legendary offerings. Or even with season 5's bizarre, detailed, sexually radical fare. It could have had a little more to it. They all could. But- this one is real smart, constantly twisting, with an end both wonderfully tongue-in-cheek and pitched black as can-be, a great set-up, and a satisfying, shocking, fun follow-through. It makes the most out of its' entire concept. It's very well-cast. Including: Chelsea Field (Dust Devil), Shelley Hack (Troll), and Corey Feldman (The Lost Boys), who all do an excellent job. And it's clever and creepy in ways you might not expect. For example- the camerawork is sharp and full of tricks. I'd say more but I don't want to ruin the surprise. And this one's got a real surprise in store for you. If you've never seen it before- do not read up on it! You won't want to guess this twist before you see the episode. Season 6's best, by far.
★★★
Episode #9: "Staired in Horror"
Plot:
Clyde is on the run from the law. He comes to the door of Lilian Charbonnet and begs the old woman to let him in. She's suspicious of him, but does let him in. He is overly gracious and thanks her, then tells her the sheriff is after him because he had an affair with the sheriff's daughter. The sheriff knocks on her door not a minute later and tells her the reason he and the lynch mob behind him are chasing Clyde is because he killed and robbed an old man earlier that day. A minute after the sheriff and the mob are gone- Clyde shows his true colors, and threatens to kill her. She reminds him that if he kills her, he'll never get away. Then she goes upstairs... Later on, a voice calls him by his name. He sees a beautiful young woman standing at the upstairs balcony, who seems happy to find him there. He wants to get a closer look at her. But she doesn't want him to come up the stairs nor does she want to come down the stairs to him. Eventually he goes up the stairs and learns the very worrying secret the women have been keeping from him.
When R. Lee Ermey is the best actor in a movie or television episode, you know you're in trouble. D.B. Sweeney (who isn't even that foxy anyway) is a thief, murderer, and first-class jerk. We see him running through the woods in some southern state and he finds a plantation-like home and a dried-up southern-belle and the whole thing reeks of someone behind the camera having a thing for Gone with the Wind. He's a really bad actor and she's (Rachel Ticotin) actually not much better. But the episode does improve quite a lot when the style really kicks in (director Stephen Hopkins has no real winners in the horror genre but his stuff always sure looks GORGEOUS). As soon as Sweeney starts acting like an old man and can't give us his pathetic toughguy routine anymore. Think about that, seriously- he's bullying an "old woman." How tough is that? Thankfully- it's not sleazy at all, and you're really allowed to finally get into the story once you know what the deal with the stairs is all about. And, shockingly- a classic twist ending. Surprisingly creepy. One to check out maybe once. I've re-viewed it a couple more times and I know from experience that it doesn't get any better or worse. I respect that.
★★
Episode #10: "In the Groove"
Plot:
Gary and Rita are brother and sister owners of a radio station. She's a cold, bitter business woman who makes the corporate decisions and he's the station's biggest embarrassment- an angry, out of control sexual fantasy talk show host with no callers. After he loses his last sponsor, Rita shakes things up by moving his show to a new time slot and then, partners him up with bookish blonde Valerie. Valerie says she has some ideas on how to make it better. On his first night with her, things begin to get steamy. The call-in lines light up like crazy. His ratings rise. Eventually, after the first month of this- his show becomes a hit. And his sister Rita is none too happy about it. Neither, to his surprise, is Valerie. She wants him to talk about something other than sex. When he does, old family wounds open up. Rita goes on the warpath. And his worst nightmare comes true...
Miguel Ferrer is such a hottie. Now, here's a man who can (somehow) get away with a toughguy front. Though not so much in this episode, where he plays a frustrated D.J. whose show has a theme about sex. He just... complains too much. And, taking the awful twist into account, is so easy to manipulate that you realize he wasn't a strong character to begin with- unlike the toughguys in earlier episodes (i.e.: Lance Henriksen's Reno in "Cutting Cards"). The only person here with any real character is sitcom pro Wendie Malick, stunning as always as the evil, bitchy sister. It's not a great bitch role, but she looks great playing it. Then, we've got the blonde (Linda Doucett) who is pretty flat. I have a hard time believing she gets in anyone's head. Anyway, the twist in this episode is so bad, that you realize how much you wish they would have gone for something supernatural. Heck, The Ben Stiller Show did a parody of Tales from the Crypt that is shockingly similar to this episode's storyline and yet- that had a better twist than this boring "conspiracy" plot. Who else was waiting to see the ghost of the evil dead mother come back and kill someone? Also, not enough shots of Ferrer in those leather pants. Cameos include the adorable Rusty Schwimmer (Candyman, Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday) as a jilted caller (why is she dressed like she works at a fast-food chicken franchise?), and - believe it or not - the real Slash from Guns 'N Roses playing another D.J. who I can only assume is supposed to be a fake Slash.
★½
Episode #11: "Surprise Party"
Plot:
Ray Wells is a young man who's just lucked into a big inheritance. Or so, he thinks. Following his father's death, he's now the owner of his father's properties. Including an old farm house which burned down many years ago. For some reason, Ray is much too eager to see that particular piece of property. Even after, on his death bed, his father tells him it's cursed. Also, after driving up and renting a room at a nearby motel, the woman in charge warns him he shouldn't go up to see it. He doesn't listen.
One bad door closes and another bad door opens. This time, it's Adam Storke stinking things up (his performance here makes Stephen Shellen in "Lover Come Hack to Me" look like Laurence Olivier) as a greedy little bastard son of a corrupt property owner (something to do with food, since he's a business man who owns a farm). Only to discover it's full of sorta-hippies having a drugged-out party there. Truly, the only plusses to this terrible episode are a little style and Bette Ford. I don't know who she is or where she came from, but she's amazing here. She's so good, she should have been the old women in "Staired in Horror." She's so good and spooky here, she could have been the Crazy Ralph of the 1990's. The only moment (other than her scene) that sparked any interest in me whatsoever was after the bastard-son's non-fling upstairs, you look up and see... are there huge holes in the ceiling and wall? It's trickling rain outside- it's been raining during the entire episode. They would have gotten soaked!
Actually... I'm going to spoil this one for you. I hope you're ready. The beginning and all the stuff the characters say about curses and how scared they are and all the warnings and things like, "let God be with you...," you're getting ready for a really scary finale. Then, when you see all the dancing people hanging around and you hear that kinda creepy saxophone dance song come on, you start getting ideas that you really like. Certainly, I was thinking that this episode was going to let loose in a fury at the end. Then, you hear the partiers say things like, "I'm the one who's going to" bite them, and "I was just praying you weren't going to be some pathetic little creature"... Man, my head was going crazy. This is going to be a gorefest, isn't it? Well... then Ray is about to have sex with a blonde girl and her boyfriend runs up, Ray shoots him with a gun, smothers the blonde girl to death with a pillow (all the while, this AWFUL farty-drumming orchestral score is anti-climatically roaring away), and runs downstairs where all the partiers are now standing around dead (and I'm telling you, the special effects makeup here SUCKS!) and they give him a long, boring lecture- which they end with, "we're very tired. Maybe now we can get some rest." And then... They put him down on the floor, douse him with kerosene, and light him on fire. Cheese City. And, I'm not talking about the entertaining kind of cheesiness either. BAD BAD BAD. Probably the worst of the entire season. Skip.
★
Episode #12: "Doctor of Horror"
Plot:
Richard and Charlie are good friends who've just been hired as the new security guards at Callahan's Mortuary after their boss suspects that someone is stealing bodies from their building. Their first minute on the job, they learn he was right. They catch mad surgeon Orloff - who's recently been banned from practicing in hospitals - stealing one of their bodies. He makes a deal with them: he'll pay them $500 if they'll help him get away with taking the corpse. When they get to Orloff's private slab-lab, he tells them that what he's after are the souls of the bodies he's collected. Believing the soul is tangible and located inside the body, Orloff tries to surgically remove it and keep it for himself. Richard is very excited about this new gig and the money. But Charlie, being somewhat religious, is tormented by what he's helping the insane Orloff to do and wants to go to the police before it's too late. But Richard knows it's too late and isn't going to let Charlie mess things up. Unfortunately for Richard and Orloff, Charlie's smarter than he appears.
Fuck me gently with a chainsaw... This show actually can be intelligent at times! After 3 episodes as bad as episodes 9 through 11 of this season have been, I legitimately forgot that. Finally; an episode in a string I can honestly say I had fun with! The comic talent here is just incredible- country singer Travis Tritt (who I didn't know was also an actor but is nonetheless very amusing here), the Weasel-King himself: Austin Pendleton (The Muppet Movie, My Cousin Vinny, Mr. Nanny, Guarding Tess), hunky wild-man Hank Azaria (who we all know is a genius and has huge mainstream credits to prove it), and an A-typically angry Ben Stein (usually he's just mockingly deadpan- Casper, The Mask). I laughed, I smiled, I was entertained and grossed out. The writing here is really good, the ideas are interesting, and the performances really work. As does the mindfully-creepy tone. The music score is understated and adds to the gross proceedings. And even though it is gross, the brains here really pay off. However, it eventually suffers from the series' need for a twist. So, we get the most cliched and obvious choice for a twist. It's not satisfying and it pretty much sucks the fun mood the episode built up. Otherwise, this is a great episode. And... newly-2nd careered Republican slimeball Stein is viciously murdered, then violated post-mortem by weirdo Azaria. Yay!
★★½
Episode #13: "Comes the Dawn"
Plot:
Colonel Parker and Corporal Burrows are two ex-soldiers with some skeletons in their closet. They head out to the Alaskan wilderness to do some animal poaching, procuring the services of a local girl called Jeri Drumbeater as their guide. She turns out to be an ex-soldier as well who was awarded a purple heart on the same mission Parker was on. The three choose an abandoned weather station as the location for their traps. But when it comes time to set them, Parker has an excuse to get out of doing any hard work. This leaves Jeri and Burrows alone and they get to talking. She suggests that Parker may be trying to cheat Burrows out of getting his fair share from the expedition. Is she trying to turn them against each other? Or... is she, in a subtle way, trying to warn them? Then, they start hearing horrible, freaky noises from the frozen bunker next door to a nearby tunnel. Do they dare check it out?
Another good episode after a long streak of losers. This one is particularly satisfying because it has a devilish anti-military revenge pay-off that I don't think anyone could have seen coming. One that also makes the most of girl-power. The set-up seems kinda stupid at first with the two jerk "man's" men, but even then it's full of vigor. Since it's so cold in this story, though, it's pretty obvious what this locale is the ideal hiding place for. Cold blood, hibernation, and since this is a horror story- hungering for human prey? I'm sure even you're going: "oh, how obvious is that?!" The acting is quite good, the music stinks, the special effects are... really icky. A lot of people will not be too happy with the creatures of this episode. I especially prefer my blood-suckers to look less like aliens and more like people. Overall, this is very effective. Since it's about war. And you have to love the awesome Vivian Wu's final line.
★★½
Episode #14: "99 & 44/100% Pure Horror"
Plot:
Willa Sandleton is a luscious young artist married to older man, Luden. He's a nice enough guy. He's also the one who's basically made her name and given her a career through his line of beauty products. But Luden's share holders are convinced her "controversial" designs are partly to blame for drastically low sales. Strike 1. She is booked a guest appearence on a morning talk show to discuss her new paintings. She's enthusiastic at first, only to discover they just want to accuse her of being a has been. Strike 2. After telling her Derma Smooth wants to get rid of her existing artwork, she gets really excited about designing a brand new campaign. Only for Luden to tell her the share holders have already hired another artist. Strike 3. It's been a really bad day and Willa's mad enough to kill! And she does. But before the end of this day... there may be two dead bodies.
Back to Shallow-land, for this very inventive take on the old reliable gold-digger formula. This wife doesn't want her husband's money all that much, she wants his position and power to give her a career. To use his business to force her art into the public's face. But nobody likes her Laura Mars-ian graphic art or her snotty attitude (though I had a lot of fun with it and I think you will too), and all she's left with are her looks and a strangely devoted husband who's actually willing to forgive her cheating on him if she'll just give him a little of her fire every now and then. The concept is handled with an initial plainness and a couple silly scenes of social commentary. But that's cast aside in favor of the thrill of watching her try to get away with a murder and a really nasty twist ending that can only be described as "see it to believe it!!!" A truly unforgettable episode that delivers on its' truly bizarre novelty. Cristi Conaway is fabulous here- it's a shame her only mainstream exposure prior to this was as the equally ill-fated Ice Princess in Tim Burton's Batman Returns. Rodman Flender (Leprechaun 2, Idle Hands) directs. The guy knows a few things about gore and certainly knows how to deliver some fun moments in the genre.
★★½
Episode #15: "You, Murderer"
Plot:
Lou Spinelli is a former criminal who is now a respected business man, tax-payer, and charity contributer. He's only afraid of one thing- people finding out about his past. When he was a criminal, he did everything- rob, cheat, and kill. He was even so afraid of anyone finding out, he had his best friend - plastic surgeon, Oscar - give him a completely different face. He just has one problem. His conniving wife, Betty, who absolutely hates him. Then he realizes... Betty knows about his past. She'll call the police! He'll go to jail! He might even get the electric chair! He tells Oscar and Oscar has one suggestion: they have someone kill her. Things don't exactly go as planned though. After a double-cross and a shock revelation, Lou dies. At least, that's what Lou has gathered from the people poking and prodding his body as he watches, saying aloud; "he's dead." Is he really dead? Is this what death is like? What are Lou's killers going to do with him next?
Maybe I'm a sucker for these after-life episodes where someone is alive inside a dead body, because GOD that is one fucking terrifying scenario. But I also enjoy almost anything with people in suits or high heels hurriedly walking over incredibly slick or polished hard floors. Here- it's Isabella Rosselini and Sherilyn Fenn clicking all over the place trying to help or hurt Humphrey Bogart, and the very theatrical John Lithgow being more reserved than usual (which still means he's flying into a rage of body movements, at least compared to his co-stars). In a very cool-looking gangster-era posh American apartment. Like the kind Sal the Shark would have, only not on the ground-floor and with fewer dead animals hanging on the wall. Another fun novelty here is the "you-are-the-main-character" point of view shot. So, everything is one big continuous long shot and a ton of wide shots. I don't know if this is trademark to any Bogart films (I've never seen one). Though Trailers from Hell informs me that this device was used at least once before in Lady in the Lake (1941). So clearly, with me style goes a long way. Apart from how cool this is (and how much I thought Rosselini made the right choice, dumping Lou for Lithgow - I guess I have a thing for funny guys), I thought it lost a little steam during the flashbacks. And, well- Isabella Rosselini isn't exactly a great actress. Her little "I'M LEAVING YOU!" tirade is just awful. Also, Lou is an annoying character after more than 10 minutes. Not to mention, this writing is quite pretentious at time. Everything sounds like it was originally written for Humphrey Bogart himself. This is one case where I really don't mind period, but... damn, not everything has to be done in that stale 1940's gangsta-ish mumbo jumbo.
★★½