Post by nopersonality on Feb 6, 2010 16:49:53 GMT -5
To celebrate that great series I/we all know and love... Here are, I present to you, the Top 10 Best and the Top 10 Worst episodes of Tales from the Crypt (in order):
The Top 10:
10. Season 4, Episode #10: "Maniac at Large"
Plot:
Margaret is a librarian having difficulty adjusting to her new life in a big city. Everything scares her. And her job isn't as peaceful as she probably wanted. Her boss Mrs. Pritchard is strict and demanding, the security guard is creepy and sneaky, and the people who come in to read are rude and too talkative. To make matters worse, there are reports everywhere about a maniac killer on the loose who's murdered 7 people so far. Then Mrs. Pritchard makes her work late. It gets dark and quiet and Margaret looks around- she's alone and easily startled. Every few minutes, someone appears and wants something from her. Each time, she gets more and more on edge. She hears noises. She sees someone in the basement wielding a knife! A man outside the closed building is banging to get in. A shrieking alarm goes off. The phones won't work! Earlier she was told by a creepy bookish man the killer's next victim will be a woman. Will Margaret survive this night of terror?
I guess something about having John Frankenheimer, Blythe Danner, and Clarence Williams III on the same episode classes things up a little. This sophisticated yet wild and paranoid suspense yarn is a new kind of fun for the series. The dialogue is indulgent but damn smart, well-played, and unsettling, and Danner's bouts of hysteria do pay off by the end for what has to be the show's single most genius twist ever. Pay close attention to the dialogue. Brilliant. Another episode for the Crypt Top 10.
9. Season 5, Episode #6: "Two for the Show"
Plot:
Andy and Emma Conway are an unhappily married couple, but Andy doesn't know it. In fact, Andy is not aware of anything beyond his job. Which is the only thing he gets passionate about. This bothers Emma because she wants someone who's passionate about her. And she's found them- she's been having an affair. So over dinner, she tells Andy she's leaving him. This upsets him so much that he kills her. Suddenly, there's a knock at the door. A police officer says a neighbor heard a scream. He searches the apartment and finds nothing. Though, he obviously smells a rat. Because when Andy hops on a train for Chicago, with Emma's body chopped up in his suitcase, the creepy officer is following him every step of the way. Andy has to get rid of the evidence. But in doing so, thinking he's got the perfect cover, he makes one big mistake...
A deeply creepy suspense "will or won't" the killer "be caught" piece, this "cop hunting" episode ranks high on the genius scale with excellent performances from the two leads. At first, you have your evil killer and your hero who is supposed to take-down the killer. You know who both are right away. But the second you know the hero is onto the killer, the roles immediately switch and the hero becomes frighteningly intense and the killer becomes so vulnerable and desperate- you can't help but identify with him. This episode has been compared to works by Alfred Hitchcock and there's a classic moment here right out of Psycho. I hated Andy at first, but then... I quickly grew to feel less bothered by what he'd done after he got on the train. It's impossible to not be made uncomfortable by how close the cop gets. He invades your space too, and Vincent Spano is so stabbingly intimate. His eyes, his accusations, and his physical presence burn right through the screen and into you. You feel like he's violating you. Which makes the twist all the more effective. One you'll never be able to guess in a million years! This episode is a cut above the rest. And it still strikes me as one of the most chilling. The music score is especially spooky.
8. Season 2, Episode #12: "Fitting Punishment"
Plot:
Ezra Thornberry is a very mean funeral home owner who has just "inherited" a slave in the form of his nephew Bobby, whose parents (one of them being Ezra's sister, Ruby) have recently died. Bobby agrees to work for Ezra in exchange for a place to live so Ezra teaches Bobby the finer points of the mortuary business. But Bobby is a slow learner and Ezra has no patience and loses his temper quickly. He begins beating Bobby, eventually savagely paralyzing his legs forever. Now he has to pay a doctor's fee and Ezra hates to pay for anything. So he's tasked with finding a solution to his problem: one no-good teenager and one extra coffin too many. A match made in heaven? "Waste not, want not," Ezra always says...
I've barely watched Everybody Hates Chris, but I vividly remember a commercial in which the father yelled at Chris to shut off the light because it costs too much money. That penny-pinching, which is something of a stereotype (I've noticed) with black characters in movies / tv, is turned into a 30-minute episode of this show, and it's beautifully executed. Moses Gunn (George's old blackmailing friend on The Jeffersons) turns in another of his patented "worst human being on the planet" performances as a heartless, insensitive mortician; and let me say- what a villain! This is another episode that scores real high on the tension meter. At first, it's heavily diluted by the humor. Then, you realize the humor is being used to pad the shocks before they happen. And well... I was shocked. Only flaw: the punishment actually isn't fitting. Given how much of a bastard this guy is. It's laughable and bizarre. So much so, that you can't help but keep your eyes on how they're achieving a special effect, rather than paying attention to any sense of irony or retribution. Again, diluted by humor. But maybe that was the point... Who knows? In terms of writing, acting, and tension- this is a masterpiece.
7. Season 2, Episode #8: "For Cryin' Out Loud"
Plot:
Marty Slash is a frustrated rock concert promoter who's getting old in years and isn't happy that he's got nothing to show for his decades of dealing with the crazy demands of whiny rock stars and pampering their egos. With all the money he handles week to week, he thinks it's about time he got paid off and out of the business for good. So he arranges a $1 million payday in the form of a "Save the Amazon" rainforest charity benefit concert series. He withdraws the money in cash and is ready to hop his plane the hell out of his daily hell when all of a sudden, a little voice starts speaking to him. Telling him not to take the money. Is he going crazy? Is his conscience really talking to him? And, if it is- what good will it do since Marty is ready to kill for this money?
After seeing season 4's torturously awful "On a Deadman's Chest," I was really soured on the idea of sitting through another episode with a rock band theme. Damn, am I glad I had second thoughts! This one's one of the most fun episodes of the whole show! Lee Arenberg delivers a pitch-perfect performance (you may remember him from the 3rd season opener to Scrubs as Dr. Moyer...the "MY MACHINES!" guy). His inner monologue plays aloud throughout the episode (stand-up comic legend Sam Kinison, who thankfully is reduced to just a voice in the audio mix, playing a manic variation on Disney's Jiminy Cricket), which has convinced him that no woman would ever find him attractive (I have a hard time believing that). This episode is perfectly cast, everyone turns in a funny and dynamic performance, down to the smallest part (including Mark Lowenthal as a quirky ear doctor, and Iggy Pop, who unlike Yul Vazquez from "On a Deadman's Chest" can actually pull off the foul-mouthed rockstar routine). And, though this won't scare anyone, there's just enough blood in it to make it entertaining on that level. See this one!
6. Season 2, Episode #5: "Three's a Crowd"
Plot:
Richard, an ashamed husband in a bad financial situation goes away with his wife, Della, for their anniversary to a little water-front cabin retreat on the dime of an old friend, Alan, who would seem to have the hots for Della. He becomes wildly paranoid that she's cheating on him and she's unwittingly doing a lot to prove his suspicions are correct. She completely ignores him because of his rotten mood, in favor of spending all her time laughing and chatting up Alan, and secretly talks behind Richard's back about her new life plans. It sounds like she's going to leave him. This drives him to get up to a lot of drinking until finally, he can't take anymore. She's keeping a secret from him alright but it might not be what he thinks it is.
The comedic tone of the first 4 episodes goes right out the window for this ultra-serious little gem. This little internal horror piece is tastefully acted, stylishly directed, and beautifully calculated to the last mili-second to do The Shining, sans supernatural elements, the way it should have been done. The parallels between the two are quite remarkable. Though Kubrick's went heavier into atmosphere and is more rewarding on that level, this piece handles the internal struggle to hurt your loved ones with the utmost integrity and no sense of over-the-top pandering. The quiet intensity very suddenly is cranked up to full-blast and in an eyeblink, we are thrust into the darkest reaches of human evil. One of Crypt's 10 best, this all-class outing of fear and terror will not disappoint!
5. Season 5, Episode #5: "People Who Live in Brass Hearses"
Plot:
The DeLuca brothers, Billy and Virgil, are bad news. Billy just got out of San Quentin after spending 2 years there for stealing money from his last job when his old boss, ice cream vendor Mr. Byrd, tattled on him. Now he's just itching for a little payback. Billy and his brother are planning a big time robbery at the warehouse where Virgil works. And Virgil's a little nervous. He just can't seem to do anything right. The big day comes and things aren't exactly going as planned. The delivery truck they try to rob drives away before they can get to it, the safe is locked before Billy can get the money out, and after Billy gives him a pep talk- Virgil kills his boss. Now they're going to do life without parole and they didn't get any money. Of course, they could always rob Mr. Byrd, couldn't they? But... well, there's something about Mr. Byrd that Billy and Virgil should really know before they go to his home.
I was all-set to write this one off; I really don't like Bill Paxton. And let's face it- after One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, Brad Dourif does all his best work offscreen. Yet, somehow, despite the two of them (or maybe, to their credit)- this episode is chock full of surprises. At first, it just goes on and on about insignificant details and you get bored. You imagine there's probably a twist coming at the end (there usually is, this is Tales from the Crypt after all), but you could care less about what it is because this episode is so damn boring. Then the twist comes... and you realize all those details you weren't paying attention to were actually significant after all. I had to watch this twice to get what was going on. On second viewing- it finally hit me. This is genius! The twist at first feels like it's cheap and comes out of nowhere (not to mention, it's just damn gross!). That's because this is not the first episode to deal with this subject matter (I'm not giving it away- trust me, you have to see this for yourself). But it's brilliantly set-up and actually has terrific resonance when you watch it a second time. The entire success of this episode is owed to Michael Lerner (Elf, the Clueless tv series) whose comedic talents have never been better served (not that I've seen), and My Big Fat Greek Wedding's Lainie Kazan. My favorite moment upon reflection: when Bill Paxton is waiting for Byrd to get out of the truck and he drives away!! Watch it twice and I think you'll get a kick out of it too. A pure shocker: another one for the Crypt Top 10.
4. Season 1, Episode #2: "And All Through the House"
Plot:
A horrible housewife murders her husband on Christmas Eve! Her motivation? Money, of course. He's worth a fortune dead. And now she's free to do whatever she wants, providing she can dispose of the body. Easy, right? Not this Christmas Eve... because the radio reports that a demented madman has escaped from the local asylum and has been hacking up women all night, while wearing a Santa Claus suit. Now with this insane killer after her, she has to save herself as well as take care of hiding the evidence from her heinous crime. To make matters worse, she just can't get her young daughter Carrie, who's excited to sneak a peak at Santa, to go to sleep. This night of unholy horror will be anything but silent!
I don't know if this is supposed to be so obvious (the tire-swing / window sequence), over-the-top (Mary Ellen Trainor's entire performance), or silly (her boyfriend's answering machine message)- but this is the pure definition of fun. It's just cliche after cliche after cliche done speedy, tense, nasty, and funny. A beautiful tracking shot done to a Nat King Cole song unbroken as a fire poker (one of my favorite and underused movie-murder instruments) murder is commited. And then, the always entertaining Larry Drake (Dr. Giggles) as a loony-eyed, black-toothed, ax-toting, grease-faced killer santa looking like he just escaped from prison. And, of course - Mary Ellen Trainor's (The Goonies) face. I don't know what shocked her more: the killer climbing up the ladder to her daughter's open window or getting hit over the head by a clump of snow fallen from her roof. It's also worth mentioning (the blonde connection), that there's a dolly shot that looks like it was stolen from Fatal Attraction- when she drops the phone and runs to the other side of the house (I think it was when she looked out the window at a dead body to see the ax was missing). Like I said: pure horror fun. It doesn't get better than this.
3. Season 2, Episode #11: "Judy, You're Not Yourself Today"
Plot:
Gun fanatic Donald and his stressed, uppity wife Judy are having one hell of a day dealing with door-to-door solicitors. First it's a wimpy petitioner whose organization wants to ban gun ownership. Then it's a rude elderly cosmetics saleswoman who insists Judy may not be good enough to become one of her clients. Donald won't let the wimp into his house. But after he leaves for the morning, Judy feels she must chat with the saleswoman, especially because she admires her very interesting-looking necklaces. Donald comes home and Judy is nowhere to be found. The old woman is there, though, and claims she is Judy. Then he gets a call warning him, "Judy...is not herself today." Now the already-nearly insane Donald has to use his head to figure things out, but he has a tendancy to let his big gun do all the thinking.
Completely lacking any fear and tension, this slightly-dark but KNEE-SLAPPING, GUT-BUSTING, SIDE-SPLITTING weird-comedy is one of the most entertaining episodes of any television show I've witnessed in my life. And "witnessed" is the right word for it. It's strange but it's rapid-fire the whole way through. Carol Kane and Brian Kerwin deliver pure perfection in their portrayal of a stressed-out suburban couple whose life of unease hits the roof. And just when you think the focus is on the freakiness of being in someone else's body, you realize it's just a front for what the story's really about. Gun control. Which itself is also a front, for the attitudes of the people who own them. Only here, it's cranked up to the point where the guy actually gets a multiple-identity orgasm by killing people with his gun. And it's not heavy-handed either. More like a farce, with a shockingly bittercutesy ending. And the CryptKeeper's all-time best outro. Most people think he's a very lame character. But it's moments like this that prove his insane quality can sometimes be really entertaining. Usually when he's breathless and...insane. Which his puppet does here, not through his eyes, but through his voice and laughter. This time, it really feels like he's gone off the deep end and he's not coming back. I laughed and grinned my head off the whole time. And now, whenever I re-watch that ending... I actually feel like I'm going to cry. One of life's rare perfect treasures and a top 10 Crypt episode if there ever was one!
2. Season 3, Episode #5: "Top Billing"
Plot:
Barry Blye is an actor who has been auditioning for part after part. After getting some rave reviews for his talent, he's decided to stick with acting. But he just can't get a part. Casting people keep turning him down. His agent tells him the reason nobody casts him is because he doesn't have "the look." Still, he's determined to act. Desperate for a role, he takes an ad for Hamlet to a dirty little back-alley street door. "What kind of theater would be down there?," asks his long-time rival, Winton Robbins, who turns up at the same audition. This is Barry's territory, a part requiring talent more than looks. But when the director picks Winton the prettyboy over Barry the poet, he gets angry. Enough to kill... However, maybe Barry should have trusted Winton's cynical view of the industry and gotten out while the getting was good. There's something just too strange about this certain production of Hamlet.
Another contender for "best episode of the entire show" award, who would have thunk that this Jon Lovitz outing would be anything but simply sardonic and just an amusing little side-order? This 'struggling actor' (or - actor versus actor) piece is stark, cold, genuinely shocking and chilling, and surprisingly intense. It's not (necessarily) because Lovitz is that good. He's a schlub. You expect him to fail if he takes himself this seriously. No, I don't think it's him. It's his character- which you do buy as a person so serious about what he does, so fed up with rejection and tough breaks that he just can't take one more loss. Then, with the right stylistic features, tight editing, and an amazingly creepy cast of supporting characters including John Astin (Gomez Addams, of course) as a hammy madman director, Louise Fletcher (One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest) as the frostiest agent I've ever seen, and the eccentrically deadpan Paul Benedict (The Jeffersons, The Addams Family movie) as the gay wardrobe man - who delivers one of the show's scariest moments, by just giving a simple piece of advice. The amazing Sandra Bernhard also puts in a great little cameo as a casting woman. Andy Dick later parodied her on The Ben Stiller Show in a hilarious bit where she was the one auditioning for Janeane Garofalo- playing a casting woman. Definitely another episode for the Crypt Top 10.
1. Season 3, Episode #14: "Yellow"
Plot:
Lt. Martin Kalthrob has one mission: "take that hill." Instead, he orders a retreat because he wants to save as many of his troops as possible. This does not make his father, General Kalthrob, very happy. Nor do the rumors among his troops that Martin is "yellow" (a coward). The General sees this as a threat and will do anything in his power to prove it's not true. Even if it means getting Martin killed. First he orders Martin to take a small group of soldiers on a suicide mission to fix a broken line. Then, when Martin is the only one to return, he sentences his son to death for cowardice. However, the General has a trick up his sleeve to spare Martin a horrible fate. That is... a fate the General sees as being worse than Martin dying. Martin might not agree.
This is the best war-related piece of filmmaking I've ever seen. It's tight, concise, and absolutely spine-chilling. War films never before saught to change my mind about what war is - a necessary evil in life (much like abortion). I never once flinched on my personal convictions watching crap like Glory or The Alamo (2004). This is the kind of thing that sort of shoves the words of both sides down their throats. For example, I always clapped whenever Michael Moore would accuse the politicians who supported war of purposefully not sending their own kids into the military. But when you watch this, you have to agree- Martin's no better than any of the other soldiers getting torn to pieces. What makes his life any more important? And, when Dan Akroyd's character suggests his father's being hasty by condeming Martin to the firing squad- wouldn't he do the same to any other lieutenant showing "cowardice in the face of the enemy"? This episode has an ugly streak that forces us to accept, in a situation that can't be changed, the consequences for everyone's actions- even if we would have done the same things.
Then... we have the whole issue of father versus son. Kirk Douglas is such a bastard to his son (naturally). The son gave his whole life to make his father happy and his father never gave him anything real in return. This pattern obviously set a precidence in their relationship where the father always takes and expects the son to always give. The one thing Martin fights him on is not wanting to go to war and wanting a discharge. He also lies and manipulates Martin into behaving the way he wants too. As though always complying with his demands wasn't good enough. This episode perfectly illustrates the expectations of complete-sacrifice on the part of pro-war zealots (that are at least secretly present in them). Most importantly though, this relationship is so typical to parental manipulation. Martin just wasn't smart enough to see through his father's lies. Why would he be? He grew up to be the man his father wanted him to be- submissive to the point of not being his own man, able to make his own decisions. This is a tragic piece of television, a deeply horrifying episode of this horror series, and the best episode of Tales from the Crypt. Ever.
The Bottom 10:
10. Season 6, Episode #4: "Operation Friendship"
Plot:
Nelson is a computer programs technician and designer who's been on the losing half of the human food chain his whole life. Both personally and professionally. His company peers step all over him and ignore his brilliant work (unless they can pass it off as their own), he lives alone in a cramped and messy little void of an apartment, has no friends in the whole world, and always feels low. Except when Eddie's around. Eddie is Nelson's imaginary friend, who's stayed with him even into his late 20's. And Eddie can always cheer him up, no matter how bad things get. Almost always. Nelson's been feeling especially down since his slimey co-worker Jack has been trying to cut him out of getting his much-deserved Vice President promotion. Then, Nelson meets Jane, a very sweet new neighbor who seems to really like him. They start dating, and now that he has a friend- he doesn't need Eddie anymore. But Eddie's got a real mind of his own and isn't going away that easily.
This season so far has been only barely getting by on quirky humor and lots of visual gags. This episode just drains all the fun out of that formula- trying to copy the 90's bomb Drop Dead Fred with less dangerous schlock and funky outrageousness. I'm not kidding. This episode is like an old-fashioned issue of Mad Magazine. Awful goofball antics and a stupid silly streak of one-liners delivered by Peter Dobson (Peter Jackson's shitty The Frighteners), who just loves doing impressions. Here he forgot his only good one: Elvis (see Drowning Mona for pieces of it here and there, in moderation). The guy leaps around everywhere doing "funny" voices, lame facial contortions, and wheeze-laughing. It's not amusing. Just irritating. And outdated. And not the least bit suited for the Crypt audience, who I hope are more adult than the people behind the camera who thought this material would fly as comedy. This episode isn't even up to Goosebumps standards. We're talking naive, simpler-time, after-dinner indigestion kind of thing here. On the plus side, Michelle Burke is a likable love interest and I finally get what Sandra Bullock saw in old boyfriend Tate Donovan. He spends much of the finale in just his boxer shorts and has the body to make it work. Those are the only redeeming factors here. An easy skip.
9. Season 6, Episode #10: "In the Groove"
Plot:
Gary and Rita are brother and sister owners of a radio station. She's a cold, bitter business woman who makes the corporate decisions and he's the station's biggest embarrassment- an angry, out of control sexual fantasy talk show host with no callers. After he loses his last sponsor, Rita shakes things up by moving his show to a new time slot and then, partners him up with bookish blonde Valerie. Valerie says she has some ideas on how to make it better. On his first night with her, things begin to get steamy. The call-in lines light up like crazy. His ratings rise. Eventually, after the first month of this- his show becomes a hit. And his sister Rita is none too happy about it. Neither, to his surprise, is Valerie. She wants him to talk about something other than sex. When he does, old family wounds open up. Rita goes on the warpath. And his worst nightmare comes true...
Miguel Ferrer is such a hottie. Now, here's a man who can (somehow) get away with a toughguy front. Though not so much in this episode, where he plays a frustrated D.J. whose show has a theme about sex. He just... complains too much. And, taking the awful twist into account, is so easy to manipulate that you realize he wasn't a strong character to begin with- unlike the toughguys in earlier episodes (i.e.: Lance Henriksen's Reno in "Cutting Cards"). The only person here with any real character is sitcom pro Wendie Malick, stunning as always as the evil, bitchy sister. It's not a great bitch role, but she looks great playing it. Then, we've got the blonde (Linda Doucett) who is pretty flat. I have a hard time believing she gets in anyone's head. Anyway, the twist in this episode is so bad, that you realize how much you wish they would have gone for something supernatural. Heck, The Ben Stiller Show did a parody of Tales from the Crypt that is shockingly similar to this episode's storyline and yet- that had a better twist than this boring "conspiracy" plot. Who else was waiting to see the ghost of the evil dead mother come back and kill someone? Also, not enough shots of Ferrer in those leather pants. Cameos include the adorable Rusty Schwimmer (Candyman, Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday) as a jilted caller (why is she dressed like she works at a fast-food chicken franchise?), and - believe it or not - the real Slash from Guns 'N Roses playing another D.J. who I can only assume is supposed to be a fake Slash.
8. Season 2, Episode #7: "The Sacrifice"
Plot:
Hunky Los Angeles insurance salesman James is summoned to meet rich loser Sebastian at his penthouse apartment to discuss buying a new policy. His beautiful younger wife Gloria takes a liking to James and wants his help in killing Sebastian for his money and make the death look like an accident. She has a very specific plan. They kill him before he signs but after the police know he intended to will her the money when he dies, which she thinks takes suspicion off her. Everything goes according to plan. However, there's one thing neither of them counted on... a witness. And not just anybody; someone who knows James and Gloria and wants something from them in exchange for silence. And it isn't money.
Michael Ironside (Scanners, Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II), Kim Delaney (NYPD Blue, Army Wives), and the hunk-alicious Kevin Kilner (Disney's Smart House) are wasted in this entirely pointless, boring, and predictable snoozer. This one lacks everything: tension, scares, gore, good writing, any details about anything at all...even, for all the sex that is mentioned in dialogue - nudity. You get the impression that this guy, Richard Greenberg, is trying to make a classy episode. Out of some of the trashiest subject matter of the entire series. I just don't get the point of sex scenes and undressing scenes with jarring cutaways to make sure men's nipples aren't viewed (shots of him on-top during the actual sex are filmed / edited the same way).
I'm not kidding when I say it lacks details about anything. Kilner meets Delaney in an elevator and 3 minutes later, she's visiting his boat-house and after 25 seconds of conversation, they're in bed. After 25 seconds of sex, they're scheming to kill the rich guy. After 25 seconds of that, he says he's in love with her. After 7 seconds of that...next scene. So right there, just based on that, you know she doesn't love him back. Which means, you know how it's going to end. Based on that, and the fact that he is the biggest dope on the planet. This is an obvious "double crossing" episode and everything is given away to us by each character's morality. She double-crosses her husband, so you know she will double-cross anyone because that's the kind of person she is. There's no attempt to shy away from obviousness in this episode's twist. I guessed it less than 4 minutes after Ironside showed up. Completely pedestrian and lame, in every regard. Oh... except for the opening credits sequence, the rather romantic laidback drive through the apartment buildings of L.A.
7. Season 5, Episode #4: "Food for Thought"
Plot:
The Great Zambini and the lovely Connie are a husband-and-wife star team at the local carnival freakshow. They perform nightly to skeptical crowds who are amazed when Zambini is actually able to read their minds and then, send his thoughts into Connie's head. Behind the act however, Zambini is an obnoxious, abusive brute who beats Connie and forces her to feed him in ways that repulse her. She wants out, of the marriage and away from the freakshow for good. That's something she and handsome "fire eater" Johnny have in common. They fall and love and plan to leave together. However, Zambini now can read Connie's mind and has other plans in store for her and Johnny. But everyone at the carnival hates Zambini, and little does he know that Connie's not the only one who's being sent Zambini's murderous thoughts.
It doesn't bother me that this episode takes place at a carnival freakshow (though I have to say: another one?). Or that it's about yet another jealous husband / jilted lover / abusive man treating his wife / girlfriend like crap. Or that it's another twist so obvious, you'll groan. I'm going to spoil the episode for you, so skip through this if you don't want to know how it ends. What bothered me is how stupid the story manipulations are. You know exactly what the twist will be the very second you see that big ape in its' cage. First: the mind reading plot depends on him not being able to read her mind, she just reads him. So then, the first part of the twist is that SUDDENLY, he can now be sent her thoughts. And the first thought he gets is her cheating on him with Johnny. Which of course gives him an excuse to beat her. This is a cliche. A bad one. Overused and easily abused, and it's both abused and insultingly bland in this episode.
Second: he doesn't hear another of her thoughts... until she decides to run away with Johnny. So now, he only hears her when she thinks something incriminating? For her to read his mind, he has to SEND her his thoughts. She doesn't read his mind by accident. Though, by accident- he reads hers? That doesn't work, logically. Third: Zambini kills Johnny (again, totally predictable- you knew it was going to happen). Connie's only chance at happiness. She finds out and, well... she doesn't seem sad at all. Take it from someone who can empathize with a woman like her- I would at least cry over a guy like that. Especially when he's offering her a chance to escape. Fourth: her relationship with Zambini and why she stays with him depends on one thing. When he sends her his thoughts, he can yell in her head and make her head hurt and make her physically too afraid to "defy" him. At the end she just turns around and goes- "not anymore." Um... if it was that easy to keep him from invading her head... why the HELL didn't she do it before? Especially since Johnny's life was at stake!
After that, any other detail here is inconsequential and minor. But there are yet more flaws. It could have had some actual gore, but it didn't. Instead it relies on various gross-outs like nude siamese twins taking a shower and lots of other unpleasentries. I suppose it could have been scary, but it wasn't. It definitely could have been fun. Or funny. But it wasn't. Ernie Hudson (Ghostbusters) gives it his all and that's a shame. No one else does. Except for the gorilla, who may or may not be real- I actually couldn't tell. Phil Fondacaro (Troll) makes an appearence but is covered with dumb makeup. Which leaves the highpoint of the episode being a very short almost-sex scene between Joan Chen (Twin Peaks) and John Laughlin (The Hills Have Eyes Part II, The Lawnmower Man) where everything on him gets real tight. It's of course only al-most because at every turn, they rob the woman of any pleasure she might have had. Cheap, very cheap.
6. Season 3, Episode #3: "Carrion Death"
Plot:
Earl Raymond Digs is a vicious mutilation girl-killer who has just escaped from Death Row. His plan is to rob a bank and then cross the southern desert to Mexico with the money. He gets the money but is having trouble getting to Mexico, as he's stalked every step of the way by a psycho motorcycle-cop and a vulture who's taken a liking to him. He loses his car in a game of "chicken," then has to stagger the last 6 miles to the border dragging the dead body of the cop after he shoots him to death and the cop cuffs their wrists together. He can see the border right ahead of him. But he's getting tired. And he needs water. And that cop's getting heavy. And... that vulture is looking hungrier and hungrier. Perhaps he won't even wait for Digs to die before taking a bite or two.
This episode is truly tedius and completely predictable. And the fact that it takes 30 minutes for so little to happen is also telling. Although, I think most people will be interested to know that this is probably the goriest episode of the entire show and personally, I found the climax to be so violent and gruesome- I couldn't sit still. This is a definite squirmer! But even that doesn't come into play until the last 90 seconds. In the meantime- Kyle MacLachlan (Twin Peaks, Desperate Housewives) talks to himself every step of the 6-mile slog, and... even the cop has to talk to himself when he's alone. I don't mind people talking to themselves, but can't they do it with a little more vigor? Both actors completely sleepwalk through their performances. And that's not saying they breeze by it, that's saying they just don't try. For me- the best feature here is that Kyle can't help playing with the cop after he's shot. He dances with him not just one- but twice. Yes, folks, that's the highpoint of this ep. Skip, skip, skip.
5. Season 6, Episode #11: "Surprise Party"
Plot:
Ray Wells is a young man who's just lucked into a big inheritance. Or so, he thinks. Following his father's death, he's now the owner of his father's properties. Including an old farm house which burned down many years ago. For some reason, Ray is much too eager to see that particular piece of property. Even after, on his death bed, his father tells him it's cursed. Also, after driving up and renting a room at a nearby motel, the woman in charge warns him he shouldn't go up to see it. He doesn't listen.
One bad door closes and another bad door opens. This time, it's Adam Storke stinking things up (his performance here makes Stephen Shellen in "Lover Come Hack to Me" look like Laurence Olivier) as a greedy little bastard son of a corrupt property owner (something to do with food, since he's a business man who owns a farm). Only to discover it's full of sorta-hippies having a drugged-out party there. Truly, the only plusses to this terrible episode are a little style and Bette Ford. I don't know who she is or where she came from, but she's amazing here. She's so good, she should have been the old women in "Staired in Horror." She's so good and spooky here, she could have been the Crazy Ralph of the 1990's. The only moment (other than her scene) that sparked any interest in me whatsoever was after the bastard-son's non-fling upstairs, you look up and see... are there huge holes in the ceiling and wall? It's trickling rain outside- it's been raining during the entire episode. They would have gotten soaked!
Actually... I'm going to spoil this one for you. I hope you're ready. The beginning and all the stuff the characters say about curses and how scared they are and all the warnings and things like, "let God be with you...," you're getting ready for a really scary finale. Then, when you see all the dancing people hanging around and you hear that kinda creepy saxophone dance song come on, you start getting ideas that you really like. Certainly, I was thinking that this episode was going to let loose in a fury at the end. Then, you hear the partiers say things like, "I'm the one who's going to" bite them, and "I was just praying you weren't going to be some pathetic little creature"... Man, my head was going crazy. This is going to be a gorefest, isn't it? Well... then Ray is about to have sex with a blonde girl and her boyfriend runs up, Ray shoots him with a gun, smothers the blonde girl to death with a pillow (all the while, this AWFUL farty-drumming orchestral score is anti-climatically roaring away), and runs downstairs where all the partiers are now standing around dead (and I'm telling you, the special effects makeup here SUCKS!) and they give him a long, boring lecture- which they end with, "we're very tired. Maybe now we can get some rest." And then... They put him down on the floor, douse him with kerosene, and light him on fire. Cheese City. And, I'm not talking about the entertaining kind of cheesiness either. BAD BAD BAD. Probably the worst of the entire season. Skip.
4. Season 2, Episode #10: "The Ventriloquist's Dummy"
Plot:
Little Billy Goldman has just seen his first ventriloquist act and wants nothing more than to be exactly like his heroes, lounge act star Mr. Ingles, and the famous "Morty," his dummy. 15 years after sitting through Ingles & Morty's last performance, a grown-up Billy goes to Ingles' home to invite him to come to his debut performance for a crowd at amateur night. When he arrives, Ingles is tired, bitter, and very angry, but he gives Billy a half-hearted "maybe." Billy's stage debut is a complete disaster and Ingles, who shows up, tells him to get out of showbusiness. Billy is crushed... but not completely ready to give up. He decides to go back to Ingles home and confront him, where to his horror he discovers his hero is... not the man he thought he was.
How can you screw up an episode that features Don Rickles as a master ventriloquist and the underrated Bobcat Goldthwait as his wannabe-protege? Simple: pour on the sap like you're making pancakes the size of the Empire State Building, build up your usually acerbic and raunchily sarcastic comedians as washed-up, pitiable tragic figures, lead-in to your big climax with an embarrassingly hammy murder-mystery subplot, and then, turn your big climax into a pathetic freakshow channelling Peter Jackson (at his Meet the Feebles worst), and gross everyone out with really nauseating mutation fx. Can't say I was surprised though. After Directed by: Richard Donner (1976's boring The Omen) flashed on the screen, I immediately lowered my standards. Turns out it doesn't matter how low you set your standards- this really, really sucks.
3. Season 4, Episode #12: "Strung Along"
Plot:
Joseph Renfield is a sweet aging puppeteer and former TV star who's having a lot of problems with his younger wife, Ellen. She's particularly unhappy with how much of a recluse he is- they never go out anywhere together. And how jealous he is that she's a popular actress. This gets to be such a problem that she doesn't spend much time with friends anymore. He also has health problems and is becoming deeply sorrowful and depressed. He talks to himself, they start drifting apart. Then, he gets a letter that cheers him up. He's been asked to participate in a television special and they want him to do one of his old puppet acts. But Ellen doesn't want him overdoing it so he agrees to hire an assistant. Along comes David. And he wants to change the old act. He's also only too happy to stir things up even more between Joseph and Ellen. Leading Joseph to start talking again - about doing something to fix the Ellen situation. He wants to divorce her. But his puppet Koco has something deadlier in mind.
Kevin Yagher strikes again! A bit of a mix of 1978's Magic, 1988's Child's Play, and season 2's "Three's a Crowd" with "The Ventriloquist's Dummy"...and a little of season 3's "Spoiled." Donald O'Connor's kindly old puppeteer is too old-fashioned and all the people he knows are too obnoxious. And his sweet old man routine does not mix well with the unbelievably shrill and callow soap-opera theatrics of Patricia Charbonneau, nor the intensely seductive bedroom-voiced Zach Galligan (Gremlins, Waxwork) who is so irritatingly child-like here, he borders on prepubescent. At one point O'Connor mentions Galligan kissing his butt... that's exactly what it feels like he's doing. He could be talking to anyone this way and it would come off like he was trying to seduce them. The twist comes too little, too late, and so does the blood-letting- of which there isn't nearly enough. And in the meantime, all this episode has amounted to was a really, really, really bad soap-opera ... about a puppeteer... and a creepy clown marionette... Huh? This one is so bad, it hurts.
2. Season 4, Episode #3: "On a Deadman's Chest"
Plot:
Danny Darwin and Nick Bosch have been good friends for a long time but they've been playing in their popular Guns 'n Roses-ish hard rock band for years now and the tensions over Nick's new wife Scarlett are reaching boiling point. Danny doesn't like Scarlett at all and Nick and Scarlett are getting tired of him and the tour girls who are now his only friends always insulting her. Then one day, Danny's latest groupie takes him to voodoo man tattoo artist Farouche to get him a very special new tattoo. A tattoo that "tells the story" of Danny's skin. Danny is not happy with the finished product: it's a tattoo of Scarlett!
Remember Wayne's World? What do you think a movie / tv show would be like had it focused on Crucial Taunt rather than Wayne & Garth, and made Cassandra a groupie rather than the gutsy and powerful lead singer? Well, I don't know if it would be like this, but I sure as hell hope it wouldn't be. This thing is nothing but one long, sexist, stupid cliche. There's the asshole lead singer (Axl Rose inspired?) who hates women (unless he's having sex with them) and swears like an idiot, and his bandmates are devoted dopes who put up with his endless tantrums. And of course, a blonde groupie shows up in his dressing room and opens her corset, letting her boobs fall out... because, that's apparently what the director / writer think all horror fans want to see. Or, is it the long-kept secrets of the real lives of rock's hard and fast-living stars finally revealed to a shocked public? Either way, disregarding the fact that these are the most tired "rock band" cliches in the book, the episode also has an irritating pretentious streak a mile long- thinking this is a gritty, realistic way to view the behind the scenes antics of a believable hard rocking band. The antics are believable enough... but just because they're unpleasent (and, if you think about it, depressing) doesn't make them compelling or horrific. A misogynistic murder and some voodoo are thrown in for "good measure." A total waste of Tia Carrere, and Heavy D- who literally is the only even slightly redeeming quality to this episode. William Friedkin of The Exorcist directed; oh how the mighty do fall. The 2nd worst Crypt episode ever. SKIP!
1. Season 1, Episode #6: "Collection Completed"
Plot:
Jonas is a tool salesman who's just been retired. He should be ecstatic at the prospect of "sharing his golden years" with his sweet wife Anita... but he's not. He gets mad at everything. Every single thing. He's resentful of his company for not giving him a watch. He hates animals and Anita has a ton of pets. And... he can't seem to get anything he wants. He didn't want to be retired and can't find anything else to do, but he gets furious when he finds out what he's been working for was to feed the stray animals Anita lets in the house. He can't make up his mind- did he hate working or did he love it? Now, he's trapped in his house with his insane wife, an army of pets, and too much time on his hands. He decides to get a hobby. Can you guess what it is?
I've definitely been wondering to myself- what's the worst episode of Tales from the Crypt? Over the past 4 months, I've seen a few disappointing ones. And I've seen some bigtime stinkers. But this Mary Lambert (Pet Sematary) episode takes the cake! This one has an inhuman hateful streak a mile long and at every interval is a chore, a stretch of patience, and a test of heart to make it through... and for what? The most predictable twist of the entire series? Let me ruin it for you folks, after he kills and stuffs every pet but a cat and a few fish: she kills and stuffs him. I'd give Mary Lambert credit for having the guts for always trying to shock with her horror projects... but after Pet Sematary Two and this, I have to know... what the hell is her problem? Why does she hate animals so much? This is too-sick for anyone, especially someone of the sensitivity it must have taken to direct some of Madonna's finest videos! The single worst Crypt episode by far.
Here's what Lambert can do with a music video:
The Top 10:
10. Season 4, Episode #10: "Maniac at Large"
Plot:
Margaret is a librarian having difficulty adjusting to her new life in a big city. Everything scares her. And her job isn't as peaceful as she probably wanted. Her boss Mrs. Pritchard is strict and demanding, the security guard is creepy and sneaky, and the people who come in to read are rude and too talkative. To make matters worse, there are reports everywhere about a maniac killer on the loose who's murdered 7 people so far. Then Mrs. Pritchard makes her work late. It gets dark and quiet and Margaret looks around- she's alone and easily startled. Every few minutes, someone appears and wants something from her. Each time, she gets more and more on edge. She hears noises. She sees someone in the basement wielding a knife! A man outside the closed building is banging to get in. A shrieking alarm goes off. The phones won't work! Earlier she was told by a creepy bookish man the killer's next victim will be a woman. Will Margaret survive this night of terror?
I guess something about having John Frankenheimer, Blythe Danner, and Clarence Williams III on the same episode classes things up a little. This sophisticated yet wild and paranoid suspense yarn is a new kind of fun for the series. The dialogue is indulgent but damn smart, well-played, and unsettling, and Danner's bouts of hysteria do pay off by the end for what has to be the show's single most genius twist ever. Pay close attention to the dialogue. Brilliant. Another episode for the Crypt Top 10.
★★★½
9. Season 5, Episode #6: "Two for the Show"
Plot:
Andy and Emma Conway are an unhappily married couple, but Andy doesn't know it. In fact, Andy is not aware of anything beyond his job. Which is the only thing he gets passionate about. This bothers Emma because she wants someone who's passionate about her. And she's found them- she's been having an affair. So over dinner, she tells Andy she's leaving him. This upsets him so much that he kills her. Suddenly, there's a knock at the door. A police officer says a neighbor heard a scream. He searches the apartment and finds nothing. Though, he obviously smells a rat. Because when Andy hops on a train for Chicago, with Emma's body chopped up in his suitcase, the creepy officer is following him every step of the way. Andy has to get rid of the evidence. But in doing so, thinking he's got the perfect cover, he makes one big mistake...
A deeply creepy suspense "will or won't" the killer "be caught" piece, this "cop hunting" episode ranks high on the genius scale with excellent performances from the two leads. At first, you have your evil killer and your hero who is supposed to take-down the killer. You know who both are right away. But the second you know the hero is onto the killer, the roles immediately switch and the hero becomes frighteningly intense and the killer becomes so vulnerable and desperate- you can't help but identify with him. This episode has been compared to works by Alfred Hitchcock and there's a classic moment here right out of Psycho. I hated Andy at first, but then... I quickly grew to feel less bothered by what he'd done after he got on the train. It's impossible to not be made uncomfortable by how close the cop gets. He invades your space too, and Vincent Spano is so stabbingly intimate. His eyes, his accusations, and his physical presence burn right through the screen and into you. You feel like he's violating you. Which makes the twist all the more effective. One you'll never be able to guess in a million years! This episode is a cut above the rest. And it still strikes me as one of the most chilling. The music score is especially spooky.
★★★½
8. Season 2, Episode #12: "Fitting Punishment"
Plot:
Ezra Thornberry is a very mean funeral home owner who has just "inherited" a slave in the form of his nephew Bobby, whose parents (one of them being Ezra's sister, Ruby) have recently died. Bobby agrees to work for Ezra in exchange for a place to live so Ezra teaches Bobby the finer points of the mortuary business. But Bobby is a slow learner and Ezra has no patience and loses his temper quickly. He begins beating Bobby, eventually savagely paralyzing his legs forever. Now he has to pay a doctor's fee and Ezra hates to pay for anything. So he's tasked with finding a solution to his problem: one no-good teenager and one extra coffin too many. A match made in heaven? "Waste not, want not," Ezra always says...
I've barely watched Everybody Hates Chris, but I vividly remember a commercial in which the father yelled at Chris to shut off the light because it costs too much money. That penny-pinching, which is something of a stereotype (I've noticed) with black characters in movies / tv, is turned into a 30-minute episode of this show, and it's beautifully executed. Moses Gunn (George's old blackmailing friend on The Jeffersons) turns in another of his patented "worst human being on the planet" performances as a heartless, insensitive mortician; and let me say- what a villain! This is another episode that scores real high on the tension meter. At first, it's heavily diluted by the humor. Then, you realize the humor is being used to pad the shocks before they happen. And well... I was shocked. Only flaw: the punishment actually isn't fitting. Given how much of a bastard this guy is. It's laughable and bizarre. So much so, that you can't help but keep your eyes on how they're achieving a special effect, rather than paying attention to any sense of irony or retribution. Again, diluted by humor. But maybe that was the point... Who knows? In terms of writing, acting, and tension- this is a masterpiece.
★★★½
7. Season 2, Episode #8: "For Cryin' Out Loud"
Plot:
Marty Slash is a frustrated rock concert promoter who's getting old in years and isn't happy that he's got nothing to show for his decades of dealing with the crazy demands of whiny rock stars and pampering their egos. With all the money he handles week to week, he thinks it's about time he got paid off and out of the business for good. So he arranges a $1 million payday in the form of a "Save the Amazon" rainforest charity benefit concert series. He withdraws the money in cash and is ready to hop his plane the hell out of his daily hell when all of a sudden, a little voice starts speaking to him. Telling him not to take the money. Is he going crazy? Is his conscience really talking to him? And, if it is- what good will it do since Marty is ready to kill for this money?
After seeing season 4's torturously awful "On a Deadman's Chest," I was really soured on the idea of sitting through another episode with a rock band theme. Damn, am I glad I had second thoughts! This one's one of the most fun episodes of the whole show! Lee Arenberg delivers a pitch-perfect performance (you may remember him from the 3rd season opener to Scrubs as Dr. Moyer...the "MY MACHINES!" guy). His inner monologue plays aloud throughout the episode (stand-up comic legend Sam Kinison, who thankfully is reduced to just a voice in the audio mix, playing a manic variation on Disney's Jiminy Cricket), which has convinced him that no woman would ever find him attractive (I have a hard time believing that). This episode is perfectly cast, everyone turns in a funny and dynamic performance, down to the smallest part (including Mark Lowenthal as a quirky ear doctor, and Iggy Pop, who unlike Yul Vazquez from "On a Deadman's Chest" can actually pull off the foul-mouthed rockstar routine). And, though this won't scare anyone, there's just enough blood in it to make it entertaining on that level. See this one!
★★★½
6. Season 2, Episode #5: "Three's a Crowd"
Plot:
Richard, an ashamed husband in a bad financial situation goes away with his wife, Della, for their anniversary to a little water-front cabin retreat on the dime of an old friend, Alan, who would seem to have the hots for Della. He becomes wildly paranoid that she's cheating on him and she's unwittingly doing a lot to prove his suspicions are correct. She completely ignores him because of his rotten mood, in favor of spending all her time laughing and chatting up Alan, and secretly talks behind Richard's back about her new life plans. It sounds like she's going to leave him. This drives him to get up to a lot of drinking until finally, he can't take anymore. She's keeping a secret from him alright but it might not be what he thinks it is.
The comedic tone of the first 4 episodes goes right out the window for this ultra-serious little gem. This little internal horror piece is tastefully acted, stylishly directed, and beautifully calculated to the last mili-second to do The Shining, sans supernatural elements, the way it should have been done. The parallels between the two are quite remarkable. Though Kubrick's went heavier into atmosphere and is more rewarding on that level, this piece handles the internal struggle to hurt your loved ones with the utmost integrity and no sense of over-the-top pandering. The quiet intensity very suddenly is cranked up to full-blast and in an eyeblink, we are thrust into the darkest reaches of human evil. One of Crypt's 10 best, this all-class outing of fear and terror will not disappoint!
★★★½
5. Season 5, Episode #5: "People Who Live in Brass Hearses"
Plot:
The DeLuca brothers, Billy and Virgil, are bad news. Billy just got out of San Quentin after spending 2 years there for stealing money from his last job when his old boss, ice cream vendor Mr. Byrd, tattled on him. Now he's just itching for a little payback. Billy and his brother are planning a big time robbery at the warehouse where Virgil works. And Virgil's a little nervous. He just can't seem to do anything right. The big day comes and things aren't exactly going as planned. The delivery truck they try to rob drives away before they can get to it, the safe is locked before Billy can get the money out, and after Billy gives him a pep talk- Virgil kills his boss. Now they're going to do life without parole and they didn't get any money. Of course, they could always rob Mr. Byrd, couldn't they? But... well, there's something about Mr. Byrd that Billy and Virgil should really know before they go to his home.
I was all-set to write this one off; I really don't like Bill Paxton. And let's face it- after One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, Brad Dourif does all his best work offscreen. Yet, somehow, despite the two of them (or maybe, to their credit)- this episode is chock full of surprises. At first, it just goes on and on about insignificant details and you get bored. You imagine there's probably a twist coming at the end (there usually is, this is Tales from the Crypt after all), but you could care less about what it is because this episode is so damn boring. Then the twist comes... and you realize all those details you weren't paying attention to were actually significant after all. I had to watch this twice to get what was going on. On second viewing- it finally hit me. This is genius! The twist at first feels like it's cheap and comes out of nowhere (not to mention, it's just damn gross!). That's because this is not the first episode to deal with this subject matter (I'm not giving it away- trust me, you have to see this for yourself). But it's brilliantly set-up and actually has terrific resonance when you watch it a second time. The entire success of this episode is owed to Michael Lerner (Elf, the Clueless tv series) whose comedic talents have never been better served (not that I've seen), and My Big Fat Greek Wedding's Lainie Kazan. My favorite moment upon reflection: when Bill Paxton is waiting for Byrd to get out of the truck and he drives away!! Watch it twice and I think you'll get a kick out of it too. A pure shocker: another one for the Crypt Top 10.
★★★★
4. Season 1, Episode #2: "And All Through the House"
Plot:
A horrible housewife murders her husband on Christmas Eve! Her motivation? Money, of course. He's worth a fortune dead. And now she's free to do whatever she wants, providing she can dispose of the body. Easy, right? Not this Christmas Eve... because the radio reports that a demented madman has escaped from the local asylum and has been hacking up women all night, while wearing a Santa Claus suit. Now with this insane killer after her, she has to save herself as well as take care of hiding the evidence from her heinous crime. To make matters worse, she just can't get her young daughter Carrie, who's excited to sneak a peak at Santa, to go to sleep. This night of unholy horror will be anything but silent!
I don't know if this is supposed to be so obvious (the tire-swing / window sequence), over-the-top (Mary Ellen Trainor's entire performance), or silly (her boyfriend's answering machine message)- but this is the pure definition of fun. It's just cliche after cliche after cliche done speedy, tense, nasty, and funny. A beautiful tracking shot done to a Nat King Cole song unbroken as a fire poker (one of my favorite and underused movie-murder instruments) murder is commited. And then, the always entertaining Larry Drake (Dr. Giggles) as a loony-eyed, black-toothed, ax-toting, grease-faced killer santa looking like he just escaped from prison. And, of course - Mary Ellen Trainor's (The Goonies) face. I don't know what shocked her more: the killer climbing up the ladder to her daughter's open window or getting hit over the head by a clump of snow fallen from her roof. It's also worth mentioning (the blonde connection), that there's a dolly shot that looks like it was stolen from Fatal Attraction- when she drops the phone and runs to the other side of the house (I think it was when she looked out the window at a dead body to see the ax was missing). Like I said: pure horror fun. It doesn't get better than this.
★★★★
3. Season 2, Episode #11: "Judy, You're Not Yourself Today"
Plot:
Gun fanatic Donald and his stressed, uppity wife Judy are having one hell of a day dealing with door-to-door solicitors. First it's a wimpy petitioner whose organization wants to ban gun ownership. Then it's a rude elderly cosmetics saleswoman who insists Judy may not be good enough to become one of her clients. Donald won't let the wimp into his house. But after he leaves for the morning, Judy feels she must chat with the saleswoman, especially because she admires her very interesting-looking necklaces. Donald comes home and Judy is nowhere to be found. The old woman is there, though, and claims she is Judy. Then he gets a call warning him, "Judy...is not herself today." Now the already-nearly insane Donald has to use his head to figure things out, but he has a tendancy to let his big gun do all the thinking.
Completely lacking any fear and tension, this slightly-dark but KNEE-SLAPPING, GUT-BUSTING, SIDE-SPLITTING weird-comedy is one of the most entertaining episodes of any television show I've witnessed in my life. And "witnessed" is the right word for it. It's strange but it's rapid-fire the whole way through. Carol Kane and Brian Kerwin deliver pure perfection in their portrayal of a stressed-out suburban couple whose life of unease hits the roof. And just when you think the focus is on the freakiness of being in someone else's body, you realize it's just a front for what the story's really about. Gun control. Which itself is also a front, for the attitudes of the people who own them. Only here, it's cranked up to the point where the guy actually gets a multiple-identity orgasm by killing people with his gun. And it's not heavy-handed either. More like a farce, with a shockingly bittercutesy ending. And the CryptKeeper's all-time best outro. Most people think he's a very lame character. But it's moments like this that prove his insane quality can sometimes be really entertaining. Usually when he's breathless and...insane. Which his puppet does here, not through his eyes, but through his voice and laughter. This time, it really feels like he's gone off the deep end and he's not coming back. I laughed and grinned my head off the whole time. And now, whenever I re-watch that ending... I actually feel like I'm going to cry. One of life's rare perfect treasures and a top 10 Crypt episode if there ever was one!
★★★★
2. Season 3, Episode #5: "Top Billing"
Plot:
Barry Blye is an actor who has been auditioning for part after part. After getting some rave reviews for his talent, he's decided to stick with acting. But he just can't get a part. Casting people keep turning him down. His agent tells him the reason nobody casts him is because he doesn't have "the look." Still, he's determined to act. Desperate for a role, he takes an ad for Hamlet to a dirty little back-alley street door. "What kind of theater would be down there?," asks his long-time rival, Winton Robbins, who turns up at the same audition. This is Barry's territory, a part requiring talent more than looks. But when the director picks Winton the prettyboy over Barry the poet, he gets angry. Enough to kill... However, maybe Barry should have trusted Winton's cynical view of the industry and gotten out while the getting was good. There's something just too strange about this certain production of Hamlet.
Another contender for "best episode of the entire show" award, who would have thunk that this Jon Lovitz outing would be anything but simply sardonic and just an amusing little side-order? This 'struggling actor' (or - actor versus actor) piece is stark, cold, genuinely shocking and chilling, and surprisingly intense. It's not (necessarily) because Lovitz is that good. He's a schlub. You expect him to fail if he takes himself this seriously. No, I don't think it's him. It's his character- which you do buy as a person so serious about what he does, so fed up with rejection and tough breaks that he just can't take one more loss. Then, with the right stylistic features, tight editing, and an amazingly creepy cast of supporting characters including John Astin (Gomez Addams, of course) as a hammy madman director, Louise Fletcher (One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest) as the frostiest agent I've ever seen, and the eccentrically deadpan Paul Benedict (The Jeffersons, The Addams Family movie) as the gay wardrobe man - who delivers one of the show's scariest moments, by just giving a simple piece of advice. The amazing Sandra Bernhard also puts in a great little cameo as a casting woman. Andy Dick later parodied her on The Ben Stiller Show in a hilarious bit where she was the one auditioning for Janeane Garofalo- playing a casting woman. Definitely another episode for the Crypt Top 10.
★★★★
1. Season 3, Episode #14: "Yellow"
Plot:
Lt. Martin Kalthrob has one mission: "take that hill." Instead, he orders a retreat because he wants to save as many of his troops as possible. This does not make his father, General Kalthrob, very happy. Nor do the rumors among his troops that Martin is "yellow" (a coward). The General sees this as a threat and will do anything in his power to prove it's not true. Even if it means getting Martin killed. First he orders Martin to take a small group of soldiers on a suicide mission to fix a broken line. Then, when Martin is the only one to return, he sentences his son to death for cowardice. However, the General has a trick up his sleeve to spare Martin a horrible fate. That is... a fate the General sees as being worse than Martin dying. Martin might not agree.
This is the best war-related piece of filmmaking I've ever seen. It's tight, concise, and absolutely spine-chilling. War films never before saught to change my mind about what war is - a necessary evil in life (much like abortion). I never once flinched on my personal convictions watching crap like Glory or The Alamo (2004). This is the kind of thing that sort of shoves the words of both sides down their throats. For example, I always clapped whenever Michael Moore would accuse the politicians who supported war of purposefully not sending their own kids into the military. But when you watch this, you have to agree- Martin's no better than any of the other soldiers getting torn to pieces. What makes his life any more important? And, when Dan Akroyd's character suggests his father's being hasty by condeming Martin to the firing squad- wouldn't he do the same to any other lieutenant showing "cowardice in the face of the enemy"? This episode has an ugly streak that forces us to accept, in a situation that can't be changed, the consequences for everyone's actions- even if we would have done the same things.
Then... we have the whole issue of father versus son. Kirk Douglas is such a bastard to his son (naturally). The son gave his whole life to make his father happy and his father never gave him anything real in return. This pattern obviously set a precidence in their relationship where the father always takes and expects the son to always give. The one thing Martin fights him on is not wanting to go to war and wanting a discharge. He also lies and manipulates Martin into behaving the way he wants too. As though always complying with his demands wasn't good enough. This episode perfectly illustrates the expectations of complete-sacrifice on the part of pro-war zealots (that are at least secretly present in them). Most importantly though, this relationship is so typical to parental manipulation. Martin just wasn't smart enough to see through his father's lies. Why would he be? He grew up to be the man his father wanted him to be- submissive to the point of not being his own man, able to make his own decisions. This is a tragic piece of television, a deeply horrifying episode of this horror series, and the best episode of Tales from the Crypt. Ever.
★★★★
The Bottom 10:
10. Season 6, Episode #4: "Operation Friendship"
Plot:
Nelson is a computer programs technician and designer who's been on the losing half of the human food chain his whole life. Both personally and professionally. His company peers step all over him and ignore his brilliant work (unless they can pass it off as their own), he lives alone in a cramped and messy little void of an apartment, has no friends in the whole world, and always feels low. Except when Eddie's around. Eddie is Nelson's imaginary friend, who's stayed with him even into his late 20's. And Eddie can always cheer him up, no matter how bad things get. Almost always. Nelson's been feeling especially down since his slimey co-worker Jack has been trying to cut him out of getting his much-deserved Vice President promotion. Then, Nelson meets Jane, a very sweet new neighbor who seems to really like him. They start dating, and now that he has a friend- he doesn't need Eddie anymore. But Eddie's got a real mind of his own and isn't going away that easily.
This season so far has been only barely getting by on quirky humor and lots of visual gags. This episode just drains all the fun out of that formula- trying to copy the 90's bomb Drop Dead Fred with less dangerous schlock and funky outrageousness. I'm not kidding. This episode is like an old-fashioned issue of Mad Magazine. Awful goofball antics and a stupid silly streak of one-liners delivered by Peter Dobson (Peter Jackson's shitty The Frighteners), who just loves doing impressions. Here he forgot his only good one: Elvis (see Drowning Mona for pieces of it here and there, in moderation). The guy leaps around everywhere doing "funny" voices, lame facial contortions, and wheeze-laughing. It's not amusing. Just irritating. And outdated. And not the least bit suited for the Crypt audience, who I hope are more adult than the people behind the camera who thought this material would fly as comedy. This episode isn't even up to Goosebumps standards. We're talking naive, simpler-time, after-dinner indigestion kind of thing here. On the plus side, Michelle Burke is a likable love interest and I finally get what Sandra Bullock saw in old boyfriend Tate Donovan. He spends much of the finale in just his boxer shorts and has the body to make it work. Those are the only redeeming factors here. An easy skip.
★½
9. Season 6, Episode #10: "In the Groove"
Plot:
Gary and Rita are brother and sister owners of a radio station. She's a cold, bitter business woman who makes the corporate decisions and he's the station's biggest embarrassment- an angry, out of control sexual fantasy talk show host with no callers. After he loses his last sponsor, Rita shakes things up by moving his show to a new time slot and then, partners him up with bookish blonde Valerie. Valerie says she has some ideas on how to make it better. On his first night with her, things begin to get steamy. The call-in lines light up like crazy. His ratings rise. Eventually, after the first month of this- his show becomes a hit. And his sister Rita is none too happy about it. Neither, to his surprise, is Valerie. She wants him to talk about something other than sex. When he does, old family wounds open up. Rita goes on the warpath. And his worst nightmare comes true...
Miguel Ferrer is such a hottie. Now, here's a man who can (somehow) get away with a toughguy front. Though not so much in this episode, where he plays a frustrated D.J. whose show has a theme about sex. He just... complains too much. And, taking the awful twist into account, is so easy to manipulate that you realize he wasn't a strong character to begin with- unlike the toughguys in earlier episodes (i.e.: Lance Henriksen's Reno in "Cutting Cards"). The only person here with any real character is sitcom pro Wendie Malick, stunning as always as the evil, bitchy sister. It's not a great bitch role, but she looks great playing it. Then, we've got the blonde (Linda Doucett) who is pretty flat. I have a hard time believing she gets in anyone's head. Anyway, the twist in this episode is so bad, that you realize how much you wish they would have gone for something supernatural. Heck, The Ben Stiller Show did a parody of Tales from the Crypt that is shockingly similar to this episode's storyline and yet- that had a better twist than this boring "conspiracy" plot. Who else was waiting to see the ghost of the evil dead mother come back and kill someone? Also, not enough shots of Ferrer in those leather pants. Cameos include the adorable Rusty Schwimmer (Candyman, Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday) as a jilted caller (why is she dressed like she works at a fast-food chicken franchise?), and - believe it or not - the real Slash from Guns 'N Roses playing another D.J. who I can only assume is supposed to be a fake Slash.
★½
8. Season 2, Episode #7: "The Sacrifice"
Plot:
Hunky Los Angeles insurance salesman James is summoned to meet rich loser Sebastian at his penthouse apartment to discuss buying a new policy. His beautiful younger wife Gloria takes a liking to James and wants his help in killing Sebastian for his money and make the death look like an accident. She has a very specific plan. They kill him before he signs but after the police know he intended to will her the money when he dies, which she thinks takes suspicion off her. Everything goes according to plan. However, there's one thing neither of them counted on... a witness. And not just anybody; someone who knows James and Gloria and wants something from them in exchange for silence. And it isn't money.
Michael Ironside (Scanners, Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II), Kim Delaney (NYPD Blue, Army Wives), and the hunk-alicious Kevin Kilner (Disney's Smart House) are wasted in this entirely pointless, boring, and predictable snoozer. This one lacks everything: tension, scares, gore, good writing, any details about anything at all...even, for all the sex that is mentioned in dialogue - nudity. You get the impression that this guy, Richard Greenberg, is trying to make a classy episode. Out of some of the trashiest subject matter of the entire series. I just don't get the point of sex scenes and undressing scenes with jarring cutaways to make sure men's nipples aren't viewed (shots of him on-top during the actual sex are filmed / edited the same way).
I'm not kidding when I say it lacks details about anything. Kilner meets Delaney in an elevator and 3 minutes later, she's visiting his boat-house and after 25 seconds of conversation, they're in bed. After 25 seconds of sex, they're scheming to kill the rich guy. After 25 seconds of that, he says he's in love with her. After 7 seconds of that...next scene. So right there, just based on that, you know she doesn't love him back. Which means, you know how it's going to end. Based on that, and the fact that he is the biggest dope on the planet. This is an obvious "double crossing" episode and everything is given away to us by each character's morality. She double-crosses her husband, so you know she will double-cross anyone because that's the kind of person she is. There's no attempt to shy away from obviousness in this episode's twist. I guessed it less than 4 minutes after Ironside showed up. Completely pedestrian and lame, in every regard. Oh... except for the opening credits sequence, the rather romantic laidback drive through the apartment buildings of L.A.
★
7. Season 5, Episode #4: "Food for Thought"
Plot:
The Great Zambini and the lovely Connie are a husband-and-wife star team at the local carnival freakshow. They perform nightly to skeptical crowds who are amazed when Zambini is actually able to read their minds and then, send his thoughts into Connie's head. Behind the act however, Zambini is an obnoxious, abusive brute who beats Connie and forces her to feed him in ways that repulse her. She wants out, of the marriage and away from the freakshow for good. That's something she and handsome "fire eater" Johnny have in common. They fall and love and plan to leave together. However, Zambini now can read Connie's mind and has other plans in store for her and Johnny. But everyone at the carnival hates Zambini, and little does he know that Connie's not the only one who's being sent Zambini's murderous thoughts.
It doesn't bother me that this episode takes place at a carnival freakshow (though I have to say: another one?). Or that it's about yet another jealous husband / jilted lover / abusive man treating his wife / girlfriend like crap. Or that it's another twist so obvious, you'll groan. I'm going to spoil the episode for you, so skip through this if you don't want to know how it ends. What bothered me is how stupid the story manipulations are. You know exactly what the twist will be the very second you see that big ape in its' cage. First: the mind reading plot depends on him not being able to read her mind, she just reads him. So then, the first part of the twist is that SUDDENLY, he can now be sent her thoughts. And the first thought he gets is her cheating on him with Johnny. Which of course gives him an excuse to beat her. This is a cliche. A bad one. Overused and easily abused, and it's both abused and insultingly bland in this episode.
Second: he doesn't hear another of her thoughts... until she decides to run away with Johnny. So now, he only hears her when she thinks something incriminating? For her to read his mind, he has to SEND her his thoughts. She doesn't read his mind by accident. Though, by accident- he reads hers? That doesn't work, logically. Third: Zambini kills Johnny (again, totally predictable- you knew it was going to happen). Connie's only chance at happiness. She finds out and, well... she doesn't seem sad at all. Take it from someone who can empathize with a woman like her- I would at least cry over a guy like that. Especially when he's offering her a chance to escape. Fourth: her relationship with Zambini and why she stays with him depends on one thing. When he sends her his thoughts, he can yell in her head and make her head hurt and make her physically too afraid to "defy" him. At the end she just turns around and goes- "not anymore." Um... if it was that easy to keep him from invading her head... why the HELL didn't she do it before? Especially since Johnny's life was at stake!
After that, any other detail here is inconsequential and minor. But there are yet more flaws. It could have had some actual gore, but it didn't. Instead it relies on various gross-outs like nude siamese twins taking a shower and lots of other unpleasentries. I suppose it could have been scary, but it wasn't. It definitely could have been fun. Or funny. But it wasn't. Ernie Hudson (Ghostbusters) gives it his all and that's a shame. No one else does. Except for the gorilla, who may or may not be real- I actually couldn't tell. Phil Fondacaro (Troll) makes an appearence but is covered with dumb makeup. Which leaves the highpoint of the episode being a very short almost-sex scene between Joan Chen (Twin Peaks) and John Laughlin (The Hills Have Eyes Part II, The Lawnmower Man) where everything on him gets real tight. It's of course only al-most because at every turn, they rob the woman of any pleasure she might have had. Cheap, very cheap.
★
6. Season 3, Episode #3: "Carrion Death"
Plot:
Earl Raymond Digs is a vicious mutilation girl-killer who has just escaped from Death Row. His plan is to rob a bank and then cross the southern desert to Mexico with the money. He gets the money but is having trouble getting to Mexico, as he's stalked every step of the way by a psycho motorcycle-cop and a vulture who's taken a liking to him. He loses his car in a game of "chicken," then has to stagger the last 6 miles to the border dragging the dead body of the cop after he shoots him to death and the cop cuffs their wrists together. He can see the border right ahead of him. But he's getting tired. And he needs water. And that cop's getting heavy. And... that vulture is looking hungrier and hungrier. Perhaps he won't even wait for Digs to die before taking a bite or two.
This episode is truly tedius and completely predictable. And the fact that it takes 30 minutes for so little to happen is also telling. Although, I think most people will be interested to know that this is probably the goriest episode of the entire show and personally, I found the climax to be so violent and gruesome- I couldn't sit still. This is a definite squirmer! But even that doesn't come into play until the last 90 seconds. In the meantime- Kyle MacLachlan (Twin Peaks, Desperate Housewives) talks to himself every step of the 6-mile slog, and... even the cop has to talk to himself when he's alone. I don't mind people talking to themselves, but can't they do it with a little more vigor? Both actors completely sleepwalk through their performances. And that's not saying they breeze by it, that's saying they just don't try. For me- the best feature here is that Kyle can't help playing with the cop after he's shot. He dances with him not just one- but twice. Yes, folks, that's the highpoint of this ep. Skip, skip, skip.
★
5. Season 6, Episode #11: "Surprise Party"
Plot:
Ray Wells is a young man who's just lucked into a big inheritance. Or so, he thinks. Following his father's death, he's now the owner of his father's properties. Including an old farm house which burned down many years ago. For some reason, Ray is much too eager to see that particular piece of property. Even after, on his death bed, his father tells him it's cursed. Also, after driving up and renting a room at a nearby motel, the woman in charge warns him he shouldn't go up to see it. He doesn't listen.
One bad door closes and another bad door opens. This time, it's Adam Storke stinking things up (his performance here makes Stephen Shellen in "Lover Come Hack to Me" look like Laurence Olivier) as a greedy little bastard son of a corrupt property owner (something to do with food, since he's a business man who owns a farm). Only to discover it's full of sorta-hippies having a drugged-out party there. Truly, the only plusses to this terrible episode are a little style and Bette Ford. I don't know who she is or where she came from, but she's amazing here. She's so good, she should have been the old women in "Staired in Horror." She's so good and spooky here, she could have been the Crazy Ralph of the 1990's. The only moment (other than her scene) that sparked any interest in me whatsoever was after the bastard-son's non-fling upstairs, you look up and see... are there huge holes in the ceiling and wall? It's trickling rain outside- it's been raining during the entire episode. They would have gotten soaked!
Actually... I'm going to spoil this one for you. I hope you're ready. The beginning and all the stuff the characters say about curses and how scared they are and all the warnings and things like, "let God be with you...," you're getting ready for a really scary finale. Then, when you see all the dancing people hanging around and you hear that kinda creepy saxophone dance song come on, you start getting ideas that you really like. Certainly, I was thinking that this episode was going to let loose in a fury at the end. Then, you hear the partiers say things like, "I'm the one who's going to" bite them, and "I was just praying you weren't going to be some pathetic little creature"... Man, my head was going crazy. This is going to be a gorefest, isn't it? Well... then Ray is about to have sex with a blonde girl and her boyfriend runs up, Ray shoots him with a gun, smothers the blonde girl to death with a pillow (all the while, this AWFUL farty-drumming orchestral score is anti-climatically roaring away), and runs downstairs where all the partiers are now standing around dead (and I'm telling you, the special effects makeup here SUCKS!) and they give him a long, boring lecture- which they end with, "we're very tired. Maybe now we can get some rest." And then... They put him down on the floor, douse him with kerosene, and light him on fire. Cheese City. And, I'm not talking about the entertaining kind of cheesiness either. BAD BAD BAD. Probably the worst of the entire season. Skip.
★
4. Season 2, Episode #10: "The Ventriloquist's Dummy"
Plot:
Little Billy Goldman has just seen his first ventriloquist act and wants nothing more than to be exactly like his heroes, lounge act star Mr. Ingles, and the famous "Morty," his dummy. 15 years after sitting through Ingles & Morty's last performance, a grown-up Billy goes to Ingles' home to invite him to come to his debut performance for a crowd at amateur night. When he arrives, Ingles is tired, bitter, and very angry, but he gives Billy a half-hearted "maybe." Billy's stage debut is a complete disaster and Ingles, who shows up, tells him to get out of showbusiness. Billy is crushed... but not completely ready to give up. He decides to go back to Ingles home and confront him, where to his horror he discovers his hero is... not the man he thought he was.
How can you screw up an episode that features Don Rickles as a master ventriloquist and the underrated Bobcat Goldthwait as his wannabe-protege? Simple: pour on the sap like you're making pancakes the size of the Empire State Building, build up your usually acerbic and raunchily sarcastic comedians as washed-up, pitiable tragic figures, lead-in to your big climax with an embarrassingly hammy murder-mystery subplot, and then, turn your big climax into a pathetic freakshow channelling Peter Jackson (at his Meet the Feebles worst), and gross everyone out with really nauseating mutation fx. Can't say I was surprised though. After Directed by: Richard Donner (1976's boring The Omen) flashed on the screen, I immediately lowered my standards. Turns out it doesn't matter how low you set your standards- this really, really sucks.
★
3. Season 4, Episode #12: "Strung Along"
Plot:
Joseph Renfield is a sweet aging puppeteer and former TV star who's having a lot of problems with his younger wife, Ellen. She's particularly unhappy with how much of a recluse he is- they never go out anywhere together. And how jealous he is that she's a popular actress. This gets to be such a problem that she doesn't spend much time with friends anymore. He also has health problems and is becoming deeply sorrowful and depressed. He talks to himself, they start drifting apart. Then, he gets a letter that cheers him up. He's been asked to participate in a television special and they want him to do one of his old puppet acts. But Ellen doesn't want him overdoing it so he agrees to hire an assistant. Along comes David. And he wants to change the old act. He's also only too happy to stir things up even more between Joseph and Ellen. Leading Joseph to start talking again - about doing something to fix the Ellen situation. He wants to divorce her. But his puppet Koco has something deadlier in mind.
Kevin Yagher strikes again! A bit of a mix of 1978's Magic, 1988's Child's Play, and season 2's "Three's a Crowd" with "The Ventriloquist's Dummy"...and a little of season 3's "Spoiled." Donald O'Connor's kindly old puppeteer is too old-fashioned and all the people he knows are too obnoxious. And his sweet old man routine does not mix well with the unbelievably shrill and callow soap-opera theatrics of Patricia Charbonneau, nor the intensely seductive bedroom-voiced Zach Galligan (Gremlins, Waxwork) who is so irritatingly child-like here, he borders on prepubescent. At one point O'Connor mentions Galligan kissing his butt... that's exactly what it feels like he's doing. He could be talking to anyone this way and it would come off like he was trying to seduce them. The twist comes too little, too late, and so does the blood-letting- of which there isn't nearly enough. And in the meantime, all this episode has amounted to was a really, really, really bad soap-opera ... about a puppeteer... and a creepy clown marionette... Huh? This one is so bad, it hurts.
★
2. Season 4, Episode #3: "On a Deadman's Chest"
Plot:
Danny Darwin and Nick Bosch have been good friends for a long time but they've been playing in their popular Guns 'n Roses-ish hard rock band for years now and the tensions over Nick's new wife Scarlett are reaching boiling point. Danny doesn't like Scarlett at all and Nick and Scarlett are getting tired of him and the tour girls who are now his only friends always insulting her. Then one day, Danny's latest groupie takes him to voodoo man tattoo artist Farouche to get him a very special new tattoo. A tattoo that "tells the story" of Danny's skin. Danny is not happy with the finished product: it's a tattoo of Scarlett!
Remember Wayne's World? What do you think a movie / tv show would be like had it focused on Crucial Taunt rather than Wayne & Garth, and made Cassandra a groupie rather than the gutsy and powerful lead singer? Well, I don't know if it would be like this, but I sure as hell hope it wouldn't be. This thing is nothing but one long, sexist, stupid cliche. There's the asshole lead singer (Axl Rose inspired?) who hates women (unless he's having sex with them) and swears like an idiot, and his bandmates are devoted dopes who put up with his endless tantrums. And of course, a blonde groupie shows up in his dressing room and opens her corset, letting her boobs fall out... because, that's apparently what the director / writer think all horror fans want to see. Or, is it the long-kept secrets of the real lives of rock's hard and fast-living stars finally revealed to a shocked public? Either way, disregarding the fact that these are the most tired "rock band" cliches in the book, the episode also has an irritating pretentious streak a mile long- thinking this is a gritty, realistic way to view the behind the scenes antics of a believable hard rocking band. The antics are believable enough... but just because they're unpleasent (and, if you think about it, depressing) doesn't make them compelling or horrific. A misogynistic murder and some voodoo are thrown in for "good measure." A total waste of Tia Carrere, and Heavy D- who literally is the only even slightly redeeming quality to this episode. William Friedkin of The Exorcist directed; oh how the mighty do fall. The 2nd worst Crypt episode ever. SKIP!
½★
1. Season 1, Episode #6: "Collection Completed"
Plot:
Jonas is a tool salesman who's just been retired. He should be ecstatic at the prospect of "sharing his golden years" with his sweet wife Anita... but he's not. He gets mad at everything. Every single thing. He's resentful of his company for not giving him a watch. He hates animals and Anita has a ton of pets. And... he can't seem to get anything he wants. He didn't want to be retired and can't find anything else to do, but he gets furious when he finds out what he's been working for was to feed the stray animals Anita lets in the house. He can't make up his mind- did he hate working or did he love it? Now, he's trapped in his house with his insane wife, an army of pets, and too much time on his hands. He decides to get a hobby. Can you guess what it is?
I've definitely been wondering to myself- what's the worst episode of Tales from the Crypt? Over the past 4 months, I've seen a few disappointing ones. And I've seen some bigtime stinkers. But this Mary Lambert (Pet Sematary) episode takes the cake! This one has an inhuman hateful streak a mile long and at every interval is a chore, a stretch of patience, and a test of heart to make it through... and for what? The most predictable twist of the entire series? Let me ruin it for you folks, after he kills and stuffs every pet but a cat and a few fish: she kills and stuffs him. I'd give Mary Lambert credit for having the guts for always trying to shock with her horror projects... but after Pet Sematary Two and this, I have to know... what the hell is her problem? Why does she hate animals so much? This is too-sick for anyone, especially someone of the sensitivity it must have taken to direct some of Madonna's finest videos! The single worst Crypt episode by far.
Here's what Lambert can do with a music video:
