NWS Special Edition Week 1: Police Academy

[nopersonality]

*note:
I decided to break this one off from the Normal World thread, again, in case I'm able to fulfill my promise of a bunch of new content over the next month or so.

One Joke Over the Line


Police Academy
(1984 / director: Hugh Wilson)

★★

Once in a while, along comes a movie that almost forces us to reevaluate our whole system of taste. This isn't that movie, of course. No, I'm referring to 1981's better than average sex comedy, Caddyshack. Police Academy is a sex comedy too, but would you know that if you didn't flip the video over to check the R-rating? This naturally came as quite a shock to me as a pre-teen; I was able to rent this tape in those days with no age check. All the sequels were rated PG, so why should this one raise an eyebrow? Well, if it were 1984, I suppose you'd know. Again, the me watching this for the first time - and not before the sequels - was very surprised at this. Not so much for the topless (and bottomless) women running all about (a lot of PG / PG-13 movies used to get away with that kind of thing at the time, i.e.: Just One of the Guys). But more for the scene where that sweet old man from Punky Brewster gets a handjob. To a kid, that kind of joke is wasted (though kids today are supposed to be a little more wise to that kind of thing). I just wasn't amused. Watching it at age 28, it's clever. But it isn't the best thing this film has to offer.

Police Academy is an exciting and clever story with characters you grow to love (hopefully, this element will stay strong over the course of the sequels- I've seen them all but not in more than 14 years, at least) and a lot of heart. Which is more than I can say for the often callous and almost mean-spirited Caddyshack. But still, that film was better and did the sex gags routine first. And actually had something to say about sexual relationships. Not this film, this film flirts and flaunts and is full of some offensively cheap and gross ideas. Hugh Wilson is the creator of the groundbreaking WKRP in Cincinnati and this sometimes feels like an excuse for him to do stuff he never could on television or radio. Well, I thought the bonfire and beach party debaunchery was better served by (and saved for) the likes of Sean S. Cunningham's Spring Break or the Troma sex flicks. Though the Blue Oyster bar jokes here are more than either of those sources ever dared to show, this movie in the end hopes to score some halo cred for (for example) turning the phony Latino sex machine into a one-woman man by way of rough sex with a very butch woman and giving the conservative-mannered rich girl a gender-bending fetish. Points for trying (and for the jaw-dropping, speech-halting scene of Guttenberg walking around in nothing but a towel) but it's all too little, too late. One graphic dog leg-humping, one flying leap into a horse's ass, and one ludicrous riot scene with mouth to the sky one-liner were all one bad joke too many. In the war of good-bad taste and bad-bad taste, this film ends in a tie.

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Improving Public Relations


Police Academy 2:
Their First Assignment
(1985 / director: Jerry Paris)

★★

Well, I've got bad news. But I also have good news. A solid half or so of Police Academy 2 is still trafficking in some very unwanted shots (literally, at one point: in the dark) at humor. Ugly pranks like a man wandering around the precinct while naked after having his hands glued to his head in the shower. And some potentially offensive digs at Asian immigrants. Why? For no other reason than they talk funny and can't understand you if you call them a "stupid bastard." Furthermore, there's still nudity for nudity's sake, the vast majority of the new physical humor all misses the mark (also- Michael Winslow's famous sound effects aren't as sharp or believable this time around, for some reason), and - how do I put this delicately? - this movie series' depiction of gang members remains as realistic as Friday the 13th Part III. Speaking of impairments on realism- this film also features a parade of John Landis-ian crashes, shootouts, and chaos that isn't the slightest bit believable. Oh- I'm not saying you won't believe the damage, it's the aftermath that makes me scratch my head. Police officers demolish a glass furniture shop - lamps and chandeliers (over $76,000 is the final damage total) - and what does their captain say when it's over? "Good job." That's right. They entirely destroy the poor little guy who runs its' entire life, they get congratulated for it, and do they ever pay him back? Well, the film won't answer that question. But, we assume the guy's out of paddles on shit creek.

This time around, the characters are basically weaker but the actors still make or break the material. Which is actually a little smarter now. For example, the first film's token sexy white chicks on the force were used as pawns to control the oversexed, womanizing white guys (remember, the Latino guy was portrayed as a fake). And yes, they do need to be controlled. But here there's only one (Clue and Valley Girl's perhaps-underrated Colleen Camp) and she's made into a stiff gun-nut. Which naturally makes her a perfect match for David Graf's trigger finger Tackleberry. This actually makes for a cute pairing. The other major change in the original formula which is greatly appreciated is the role the gay biker bar patrons play in helping the police in their mission to reduce crime. A fight breaks out in the bar after the street hoodlums rush in, the bikers contain/detain them, and Bubba Smith's Hightower isn't afraid or intimidated by the fact that it's a leather bar- he goes right inside and doesn't start trouble with anybody but the criminals. I might call the casting of Art Metrano to replace the original's irreplaceable G.W. Bailey a mistake, but sometimes they just won't come back. Metrano is at least aided by the effective if not funny Lance Kinsey as putzy Proctor. Most of the cast changes work out okay. 80's valley girl humorist Julie Brown ("The Homecoming Queen's Got a Gun") gets a tiny part as a seamstress- she's basically wasted, and WRKP in Cincinnati's Howard Hesseman is okay at best. But George Gaynes comes back and nails his two small scenes. The best change here is, of course, hilarious Bobcat Goldthwait as Zed, the series' screaming madman who joins the force in the next sequel.

This time, it's a little less of a war between tastes. Bad-bad wins. But as it happens, there's actually such a thing as Good bad-bad. Imagine. I actually laughed a few more times than I did with the first movie.

[nopersonality]

Speed is the Key


Police Academy 3:
Back in Training
(1986 / director: Jerry Paris)

★★

By this point in the series, we should really be asking ourselves: what does it take to make a good Police Academy movie? Because if things haven't started improving in the overall formula by now, what are the chances that by the next two or three movies, they're going to knock one out of the park? The obvious answer: slim to none. I'm even having difficulty remembering for sure who wasn't in the last movie but is here. I'm talking about the cast, of course. Which was really the one reason to even bother with these movies... well, until this sequel, that is (I'll explain that later). Because, man- there just isn't enough Bobcat Goldthwait, and George Gaynes is starting to come off as a blithering senile idiot. The point here is hardly: WOW, they brought back the hot jerky cops who tried to sabotage Mahoney in the first movie (G.W. Bailey's military-haircut whipping boys, strapping lads Brant von Hoffman and Scott Thomson). Or Leslie Easterbrook's sex-starved, stacked butch blonde babe, Callahan. Or the accident-proned Bruce Mahler's much put-upon wife, Debralee Scott. They also brought back the bumbling cutie Proctor (Lance Kinsey), G.W.'s replacement asshole-lieutenant, Mauser (Art Metrano), the aforementioned Bobcat, and - the most fun you'll probably have here, I know he was for me - Tim Kazurinsky as the wimpy glass shopkeeper who is now training to be a cop. A few characters get stories (Debralee has to outwit her husband - in one of the movie's best scenes - to get into the academy, Brian Tochi is a bad walking Asian joke who is in love with boobalicious Callahan, Andrew Paris is a hot boxer - also imported from the 2nd film - who is always trying to show off his impressive smile and big white teeth; is this a plug for his dentist or is he trying to become a teen idol?), but Kazurinsky gets the best and most substantial one.

But overall, the casting and character choices here make very little difference. They're all just faces. I guess the people making the movie figured that you already knew Hightower and Tackleberry, and I'm sure glad they finally snipped Guttenberg's part in the film (he's given another love interest, the weakest yet: Amityville 1992's Shawn Weatherly, and some lame lines about "wet suit"s), but the funny thing is that most of the new recruits receive the same short changing (all the people I mentioned above in parentheses, plus, sadly, Bobcat). At first, though, I was pleasently surprised to see the movie finally giving sound effects man Michael Winslow (I believe he does his funniest work yet here) and quiet-talker Marion Ramsey more to do. But as the movie goes on, it doesn't prove to be enough (except in the case of Kazurinsky and... yeah, Lance Kinsey). This sequel is really about action and excitement and actually scores a bit. Even at the cost of the great character humor of the first two and the slightly forward-curving intelligence of part 2. But, with a focus on action, it's important to say that now it's paced perfectly and distributed evenly. The first two films focused more on character and so, they put all their eggs in just a few baskets when it came to the big physical humor gags. This one aims more for Z.A.Z. rapid-fire territory and so, it's a matter of the tortoise and the hare. Small jokes are better suited to this franchise. That way, if they're bad- they don't last too long. Lastly, now that the series has not only lost the R, but the PG-13 as well, it resorts to large boobed women standing very close to the camera and shots of women's asses...that don't want to end (forgive the pun).

Well... what does it take to make a good Police Academy movie? The right (or close enough to it) combination of all the elements: character, action and excitement, acting, physical humor, and - one thing this franchise has never been short on - smoking hot guys.

[nopersonality]

Animal in Love


Police Academy 4:
Citizens on Patrol
(1987 / director: Jim Drake)

★★

I doubt that, after my last review, it's any kind of shock that I inform you this sequel is not an improvement on the franchise. It's obviously the worst so far. Initially, I assumed that since the adult humor in the previous films was the source of the biggest problems, that getting rid of it could only be for the better. I was wrong. The loose Z.A.Z. structure of this and the last film is beginning to result in a lot less funny returns. Pigeons pooping, several unsophisticated butt references, and a painfully long prank involving a porta potty. In fact... the entire movie is one constant, bad-taste gag. Only the jokes have gotten so juvenile by this point, if you so much as see a small, round object you can bet not only will it be compared to a man's testicles but that it will also result in semi-sexual humiliation. That's not all. Starting somewhere around the 30-minute mark, there's a steady barrage of testicle, penis, and ass jokes strung from scene to scene in a row. And it's scary how obvious they are (is it humanly possible that the filmmakers could have thought these bodily jokes were funny?). Is there anything here to balance it all out? Just barely, but yes. Though the classic character humor of the first two films has almost been completely decimated, there is a wonderful abundance of Bobcat Goldthwait to make up for it. His scenes are all fantastic and downright hilarious (especially the "watch out for the plane!" bit). And this time- the token love interest, my personal favorite so far, is for him. A nice, fun photographer (Corinne Bohrer) and like Colleen Camp, she's not a typical buxom babe either, which makes her pairing with wacked out Bobcat a great fit. Proctor gets a reform here as well: he actually says something smart. Strike that, he says a lot smart. Does a lot stupid, but he's definitely getting smarter in terms of wisecracks.

As for the rest of the cast, some not-so-good news there as well. Poor George Gaynes- now he's not only gone senile, he's starting to scare me as well. It's this freaky thing he does with his eyes when he speaks. I don't know what he's doing- even though his part has always been small, we're meant to believe he's gotten bored already? Anyway, the whole film begins extraordinarily dark for some reason. Could be the high quotient of night scenes. But it's also shot in such a hollow way. Then, there's the horror movie reference. One of the movie's best scenes involves a police prank on the cockier young Citizens on Patrol recruits where they are sat in the back of an armored van with Bubba Smith in voodoo priest drag and David Graf's Tackleberry as a chainsaw-wielding, hockey mask-wearing slasher; in typical mainstream fashion- they can't tell the difference between Friday the 13th and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Which killer is who and who has what signature weapon and mask. Like the previous film, most of the main cast get radically reduced roles in the main action and jokes (Tackleberry, Hightower, Mahoney, Hooks- sadly; I love her, Callahan, and now- Sweetchuck, the glass shop nerd). Winslow, the sound effects guy, gets a slight boost (and he's on fine form as far as his sound go), the aforementioned Bobcat and Proctor, and the character who basically takes Sweetchuck's place here, Billie Bird who plays a sassy old lady named Mrs. Feldman. After a 2-movie absense, G.W. Bailey finally returns, and... come to think of it, his re-introduction to match Gaynes is terrifying as well: a closeup of his much distorted face in the reflection of a silver ball while he sings "Shortnin' Bread" in deep voice. This one gets to toat a bit of a celebrity (before we knew them when) cast: Sharon Stone, David Spade, and Tony Hawk. There's also Tab Thacker, who was considered something of a famous wrestler at the time.

If each sequel could be identified by some minor element of it, this would definitely be the "soundtrack sequel." No, seriously- each previous film had their one big music scene (the first: the beach party / the second: the truck on the beach scene / the third: the police persons' ball). This sequel is really selling a soundtrack hard. It has an outright theme song (I liked it) and now the series decides to get Ghostbusters-hip...about 3 years late. Actually, speaking of previous hit movies, there's also a big skateboarding scene here to a song that really sounds like it was rejected by The Karate Kid. A basketball scene pimps a Billy Ocean-y type track. There's also a pool scene, a romantic park interlude, and a wannabe Jailhouse Rock moment which might get your feet tapping. Oh, and, The Blow Monkeys have a song here (their glorious "Digging Your Scene" was used in Araki's Splendor, one of my recent reviews)! The action here can't top the swift part 3 nor its' impressive waterboat / jet ski finale, but at the last minute, Patrol pulls out a stomach-dropping hot air balloon scene that is a lot of fun (especially Tackleberry's amazing jump and slide). Though, can it really compare to similar bits in movies like A View to a Kill's nightmare-inducing blimp / bridge scene or the rollercoaster-esque upside-down plane diving scene in Sesame Street's Follow That Bird? You be the judge.

[nopersonality]

Is This Thing On?


Police Academy 5:
Assignment Miami Beach
(1988 / director: Alan Myerson)

★

Citizens on Patrol was definitely the most childish of the franchise up 'til this point. But can I say that Assignment Miami Beach is a maturation? Nope. It's in fact: much dumber, not the least bit funny in any way, the most frustrating by far, and it even brings back the sleaze that Patrol mostly left behind to focus on body humor. Basically, these movies just don't know what to do without Mahoney (Guttenberg is finally out and I doubt he'll be coming back over the next 2 movies). So, they've decided to replace him with a more cool and confidant prankster. Still the same in every way but muscle mass, hair, and obviously- speech patterns. His clone, Matt McCoy (The Hand That Rocks the Cradle), barely has an ass but this movie even brings back Mahoney's single most annoying personality trait: if you call him a name, he must repeat it over and over again to make sure he heard it. Like he's giving you the chance to take it back (but he isn't). McCoy gets it first... but then, they pass it off on Michael Winslow. Since McCoy is a clone, formula dictates that he must have a love interest- even more faceless and nameless than Back in Training's Shawn Weatherly (yes, turns out that's possible after all). If she makes it to City Under Siege, it will be nothing short of a miracle. So I won't even bother looking her up. As for the rest of the cast, finally the movie tries to even everyone up. By bringing the characters out in groups and giving them all dialogue, followed by tired cliched physical gags, at the same time. Never thought there could be enough of Harris and Proctor before- boy, was I wrong. Not only is Proctor back to his usually dumb self, but there's also just too much of him: frisbeeing, waterskiing, tree surfing. Harris has always been lame but now, the pranks are so G-rated that it clashes with the long camera locks on random girls in bikinis. And watching him strike out at a Tiki-type bar is beyond sad. It borders on excruciating. One person I hope you'll be as tired of as I was- Tab Thacker. Who is actually at one point used as a human bomb, shouting "bombs away!" as he falls... In fact, I was tired of everyone. Even the screaming quiet-talker Sgt. Hooks. A lot of cast, all wasted. Well, almost all wasted. I have to give it credit for one good idea: the scene where Tackleberry's gunlust reverts him back to childhood and Callahan steps in to act as his mother. Very cute, I must say. Worst of all- no Bobcat!

Since the franchise is now on a gimmick generator, I can offer it grudging congratulations for being so unusually visually attractive (although, how would I know in the case of the previous couple sequels- since fucking Netflix is only giving us the fullscreen versions of Back in Training and Citizens on Patrol? Dickheads). I imagine this was shot in Miami and it really is breath-taking. From the tropical scenery to the architecture and local art. Too bad we have to be seeing it through the push and pull of the hip once-bumbling group of police sergeants versus the unhip tourists Harris and Proctor. Oh- and did I need to tell you there's a Jaws reference here? You see water, people on a beach, and camera shots of nobody involved in the story. Even in '88, this is like: who do you think you're fooling? Speaking of ideas that reek, apparently the creative team at work here have hit a new low in the villain department as well. No longer are there any gangs of street criminals terrorizing a city. Now... it's a freaking jewel heist! Complete with jewels in black bag that gets switched with someone else's. People: *raise hand to forehead and commence slapping motion.* Not only is this the most outdated thing anyone could think to stick in a police adventure movie (and practically insulting to the likes of The Great Muppet Caper or any given Pink Panther film), but there's no writing involved. In anything. The Little Mermaid's demented French chef is the cheesy mustached leader of a gang of donut-eating (or should I say: squirting? Since more of it ends up on their clothes than in their mouths) dumbasses (man- did you ever see Mannequin 2: On the Move? Yeah, those guys were better than these guys). And now I have to question- are these guys bigger idiots than Harris and Proctor, or more clueless than George Gaynes, who has now become the new Bruce Mahler (the accident-proned cop who always hits people with any object he was holding in his hands)? There's no kung fu ninja clan or Blue Oyster bar in this movie (or replacement for it), but instead- something light years more offensive. Harris leads Commissioner Hurst's janitor to believe Hurst is fooling around with someone wearing a bra in his office, then Proctor speaks and the Janitor assumes the two men are hooking up while wearing women's clothes. That's not so bad; whatever floats their boats. But the next day? Hurst informs us the Janitor quit. How very tolerant of the series....NOT.

[nopersonality]

Back to the Drawing Board


Police Academy 6:
City Under Siege
(1989 / director: Peter Bonerz)

★★½

The Police Academy series has always been, and always will be, lame. I want that to be noted even though I'm about to give my first (and probably last) positive review to one of its' officers. The series was flawed from the getgo, trying to leach the sleaze and tasteless gags from the glut of early 80's sex comedies. However, it mixed these things with some genuinely appealing characters and actors who have some good skills. They just had to be directed well. I outlined in my review of Back in Training what it woud take to make a good Police Academy and this one finally comes very close. The series started with heavy sleaze but lots of character, then moved toward less character, less sleaze, and faster-paced slapstick- but bad bodily humor jokes. Both halfs of the formula having one thing in common: bland women used as love interests for the main characters (which is why I raved about Colleen Camp and Corinne Bohrer, because they were unconventional and better for it). Here, the mix is almost perfect: fun characters, lots of good slapstick, no boring women used as lovebait, improvements on other areas (which I'll get to soon), and practically no sleaze whatsoever. The sleaze has been so downgraded, what would under any other circumstance be a disgusting scene featuring the boobalicious Callahan character spreading her legs is shot from too far away and there are spectators blocking our view. Hold on a minute, I can hear you now: "Spectators?" You're applauding a moment with spectators even though you can't see her closeup? It's not just the fact that the shot is in better taste than any of the previous films would give us, it's the set-up and follow-through. The spectators watch her and do the expected amount of gawking. But how does the scene finish? By her clearing the entire room when she beats the hell out of a self-defense dummy. She halts the offense by sending a clear message: stop watching, start doing. Meaning, she wants a man of action. And she has every right to express this. She doesn't mess around. And you have to admire that.

The rest of the movie is just about this sharp. Another great example is Hooks, the quiet-talking sargeant, in her best scene of the series. Without screaming (though she does go loud for the last word in her very impressive mouthful of polite whoopass), she cuts down an arrogant businessman trying to slime his way out of a parking ticket. Wait, that's not quite accurate: she annihilates him! In a dignified and just manner. Not that she isn't fun when she screams too. After the atrocious Miami Beach, I'm pleased to say I like the characters again. Each and every one of them. Especially Hooks, of course (I think I smiled or laughed in every scene she was in- I cheered during the ticket scene but I think my favorite now is her posing as a telephone line repairwoman). Harris and Proctor are at the absolute top of their game, and Proctor's Lance Kinsey gets to sing too (you know how actors are, they're always clammoring to show off their other special talents). And he has a beautiful voice too. Even the villains are excellent as well- at least in the case of the three never-bumbling (refreshing after the annoying peons in Miami Beach) gang crooks. One of them being Gerrit Graham, Andy's adopted father in Child's Play 2, looking delicious for a change. Though my heart definitely belongs to Brian Seeman, the acrobatic guy. Although, the one serious potential miscast is the new mayor, played by Kenneth Mars. God, he's annoying. And the single lamest joke in the movie: he can't think of the word "tied" when trying to say "my hands are tied" or "justice" when trying to say "bring them to justice." WHAT?! Nobody forgets those words!! An embarrassing low point for this otherwise funny and wonderful sequel. Which as I mentioned above, really is easily the best mix of all the qualities from the previous films. Including some real action and excitement (the final half hour, until the silly Scooby Doo climax, just gets better and better- all the stops are pulled out). And a few bad jokes too (especially the whole fight scene between Bubba Smith and Darwyn Swalve as "Ox," even Bubba's reaction is poorly telegraphed).

Strange moment in the movie: they bring back a character who was only in one of the films (Billie Bird's Mrs. Feldman from Citizens on Patrol) and pretend she's a brand new character. Huh? Why? Guess we'll never know.

[nopersonality]

Belly Up to the Bar


Police Academy:
Mission to Moscow
(1994 / director: Alan Metter)

★★

After a 5-year break, the Police Academy franchise continues to slide into utter cartoon lunacy. A fart joke here, a piss joke there, and a boy-doesn't-belong-in-the-girls'-steam (all G-rated) gag are old business for the series. But what is interesting is how desperate this sequel is to remind everyone who used to be the new kid in town. But in the time of their absense, and you can see the influence all over this movie, we all know Z.A.Z.'s The Naked Gun had taken over. George Gaynes even looks a bit like Leslie Nielsen, playing essentially the same character- a victim of a series of comic misunderstandings who eventually apprehends the wicked criminal even though he had no idea what he was doing at any given moment during the movie. This sequel has one good joke (the very first one- two TV news anchors wrestle over a Gameboy), which means it easily ranks above Miami Beach. It's unbelievably harmless and unoffensive, which is always refreshing. But the fact that only 5 of the major cast members (Gaynes, Easterbrook's Callahan, Winslow's Jones, Graf's Tackleberry, and Bailey's Harris) from the last 2 films return for this hurts the film. Still no Bobcat, but also no more Bubba Smith (Hightower), Bruce Mahler (Fackler), Marion Ramsey (Hooks), Matt McCoy (replacement Mahoney - aka: Nick), or Lance Kinsey (Proctor). They've all jumped ship. Wisely? Perhaps. But without them, the movie has to do a great deal of stretching.

All of this involves a huge cast of new characters- though none of which are as annoying as Kenneth Mars in City Under Siege, they're just not good enough to replace anyone on the original team. With one single exception: the adorable-as-a-kitten Charlie Schlatter as the replacement Matt McCoy, who is actually far more likable and fun. It could be his high-pitched, kidlike voice (which you hear in full action during the rope-climbing and car-jumping scenes), though. No surprise that this time, he gets the love interest- in most of the movie's worst scenes, actually. Claire Forlani's laughing and giggling at all Schlatter's camera mugging feels phonier than Sharon Stone's reporter in Citizens on Patrol. Shocking though is the scene where he meets his match on the villains' side, Richard Israel as a nerdy game developer- he actually mounts the little guy in a naturally quick but nonetheless homoerotic wrestling hold. Hammer horror icon Christopher Lee has an embarrassing bit as a Russian police commandant who really, really enjoys kissing George Gaynes (for whatever reason). As for the rest of the cast, this is where the movie stretches the least. They all get bigger parts (short of Tackleberry, who just gets one key scene during an excessive force demonstration), especially Leslie Easterbrook, playing the same butch beauty she always has. She sings again (she previously sang in Back in Training). Winslow does a chic bartender. And... poor, poor Bailey. He's the one who gets pissed on. Big surprise, right?

Is there any reason to see this? Well, if you made it through the first 4 (or ever plan to start watching the franchise and actually get through them), you know you have to see 6, but as the ratings reveal, this is much better than Assignment Miami Beach. Mostly because of Charlie Schlatter, who actually could have been reason enough for Warner to try a part 8.

My Final Rank of the Series (Best to Worst):
1. Police Academy 6: City Under Siege
2. Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment
3. Police Academy
4. Police Academy 3: Back in Training
5. Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol
6. Police Academy: Mission to Moscow
7. Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach