Post by nopersonality on Feb 4, 2010 9:04:40 GMT -5
★★★
Tales from the Crypt was on a definite winning streak from its' short first season, to its' ground-breaking third. Each previous season influencing a huge change in the one that followed. The first season sought to be very shocking and disturbing overall. The second decided a new season needed to lighten things up. The third season decided to make things more adult and edgy, yet still retain the dark humor of the previous two. The fourth decided, unwisely, that the third season had been too childish when instead, it usually struck the perfect balance between humor and horror. And that things needed to be classed up. So only the rare episode, "Seance" or "What's Cookin'?," actually still felt like Season 3. The change wasn't overall for the better.
So for season 5, things were kinda in dire straits. It was time for yet another total overhaul. The first thing the creative team set forth to do was to up the stakes in the stories. Make things stranger, nastier, creepier... and grosser. In every way. And this is evident in just the first triptych of episodes. For all the seasons, HBO had a promotional plan to debut the first 3 episodes back-to-back in one night. As a taste of what each season had in store. So, it's true- you usually knew exactly what each season would be from the first night's three episodes. Afterward, the seasons usually stayed with the consistency of the first 3 episodes. The budgets still got lower and lower, but ambitions ran wild for Season 5. And it resulted in one of Crypt's best.
Episode #1: "Death of Some Salesmen"
Plot:
Judd Campbell is a travelling salesman, promising those who give him money a hefty benefits package in the funeral needs of their loved ones. Selling them the concept of a memorial park that people will want to come to to grieve their deaths. But when the odd customer wants to see in person what they're buying into, he gets very in a hurry to take the money and run. Some salesmen are not to be trusted. Then, by mistake, Judd comes to the home of Ma and Pa Brackett. A pair of geezers with a real fondness for traveling salesmen who are only too happy to listen to his pitch. They have no intention of giving him any money but they don't want him to leave. Not until he meets their ugly daughter, Winona. And not until he has a look around at the items other salesmen have tricked them into buying. Items which the Bracketts have ghastly methods of 'improving'.
I probably made a mistake by watching the virtual comic of this story before the episode. Well, actually- I saw the episode when I was much younger, but didn't remember anything about it years later. Then, I saw the DVD virtual comic...and it really unsettled me. So, imagine my disappointment when the episode turns out to be a really gross hillbilly freakshow about a deformed family who want to marry off their ugly daughter (seemingly inspired by Dan Akroyd's Nothing but Trouble). The comic, in all its' hick dialogue cliches, managed to be deeply scary (and excessive, to the point of almost killing the mood). This televised episode has none of that. In fact, they really play up this guy (the often underused Ed Begley Jr., who's been doing this kind of role least as far back as She-Devil) as another insensitive, woman-abusing super-scumbag, and then place him in what must be an ironic turn of circumstances. I wasn't too keen on sitting through a long series of gross-out moments (though most of them are implied rather than shown), but I have to be honest- this is a memorable episode that's well acted and makes you think. Just enough to make you remember it after it's over. It works. Though I wish it didn't. It's easier to dismiss this kind of thing than accept that it's this good. Because I'm telling you: it's really ugly. Especially that sex scene. A latex makeup showcase-spectacular straight from hell!
★★★
Episode #2: "As Ye Sow"
Plot:
Leo Burne is a dry cleaning business owner who suspects that, because she's stopped having sex with him, his significantly younger wife Bridget is having an affair. He becomes obsessed with this fear and starts hiring private investigators to come up with proof, each time he's furious with the results: nothing. After monitoring her daily activities, each man tells Leo his wife is "a regular choirgirl." Still, he's not satisfied. So, he goes to the slimy G.G. Devoe, who 'specializes' in infidelity. He suggests that the reason nobody can get any proof of her cheating is because she's having her affair with the very attractive, politically radical priest Father Sejac whom she goes to see every single day. Who would suspect a priest? This leaves Leo feeling angered and desperate. So Devoe suggests they hire him a hitman to kill Sejac. That would certainly solve his problem. Right? Not exactly. Because there are a couple very important things Leo doesn't know about Bridget, the priest, and Devoe- who he suspects has taken his $100,000 cash with no intention of getting the hitman.
Every season's got to have its' token "psycho-drama" episode. An episode that has such a good cast (better than most of the others) that for a director to be able to get them on-board an episode of such a low-brow series as this, you assume it's because they're taking this too seriously. Well, forget that. This episode is too absurd to be serious. And I'm pretty sure the director meant for people to find it absurd. I couldn't stop giggling long enough to get into this guy's character. He's utterly ridiculous. I don't know if he's a caricature or what, I don't have the proper technical lingo for it. He's a joke, let me put it to you that way (the scene where he's questioned about his wife's dressing habits is a standout moment). The plot is a bore on paper but, you really wind up getting into it. It's just so damn quirky. Unfortunately, the twist comes and... Well, it's not that it's obvious or anything. It's not. It's clever enough. But it is a lot of trouble and a long routine. When they set up a thing like how she keeps going to confession every day... you begin to feel like you have to know what she's confessing before the ending. She's got to be doing something wrong, right? This is definitely another "Three's a Crowd," but this episode actually managed to make me question her. Even though, if you take her at face-value (and this is Patsy Kensit- nobody hires her to play two-faced or multi-dimensional roles), you know she's always morally pure. It's questionable but it's at least greatly preferred to some lesser episodes that just make you want to turn off the tv regardless of character inconsistencies. At least with this episode, you care about character inconsistencies. The casting is just to die for. Another interesting note: this was directed by Kyle MacLachlan who was the star of Season 3's awful "Carrion Death" episode. Of prior actors on Crypt to later direct an episode, he does the best job.
★★★
Episode #3: "Forever Ambergris"
Plot:
Dalton Scott and Ike are two rival combat photographers. Ike is the hot newcomer who's been nominated for a ton of awards and Dalton is the dried-up hasbeen who was hot and won a lot of awards years ago. But he's lost his touch. Ike, who worships Dalton, doesn't know that they're rivals and invites him to dinner at his place so he can meet his incredibly sexy and sensuous wife Bobbi. Dalton wants Ike's talent. And he wants Bobbi, real bad. Ike decides to tag along with Dalton on his latest assignment to the terrifying Central American village of Valmalera which has been besieged by germ warfare. Word has it: anyone who goes in...doesn't come out. Ike doesn't know this. So, Dalton tricks him into going to the contaminated village and taking the photographs for both of them. Now, Ike's got a deadly disease... And it's contageous!
Another pretty bad idea with an incredible amount of energy jolted into it. The actors put their all in a pack of seemingly stupid characters. Or, you think they're stupid but then they surprise you. Except for Steve Buscemi's character, Ike. He's the pawn for the whole game that takes place. Without his naivety, there is no horror. It really is a boring, depressing concept. A "washed-up" guy doesn't have "the edge" anymore? War photographers? Thank God for professional jealousy, which is obviously the seed that allows this one to get off the ground. For a while, it's all Buscemi (who's great in everything he does. blah blah- we all know it). Until we meet Lysette Anthony, who elevates the acting to a whole other plateau. And they really gave her all the meat in what suddenly becomes shockingly powerful and fascinating dialogue. This is surprising, since she usually gets the thankless role of the Euro-trash Bitch Who Thinks She's Better Than She Really Is (Look Who's Talking Now). In fact, I'll bet that was actually listed on her resume for years. She practically patented it. But she was all eyes and a voice. Here, she completely becomes this character- and it's a treat to watch. Without her, this episode couldn't even pretend it had a point - she goes on a long speech about peace and love hippie-ish stuff and her relationship with the skinny, rat-faced Buscemi. The real point would seem to be a pair of very showy body-melting scenes (though, they still have nothing on 1986's Street Trash). But I actually buy what she's selling: substance in a very nasty, very gory, very unpleasent episode. One of the season's highest fliers.
★★★
Episode #4: "Food for Thought"
Plot:
The Great Zambini and the lovely Connie are a husband-and-wife star team at the local carnival freakshow. They perform nightly to skeptical crowds who are amazed when Zambini is actually able to read their minds and then, send his thoughts into Connie's head. Behind the act however, Zambini is an obnoxious, abusive brute who beats Connie and forces her to feed him in ways that repulse her. She wants out, of the marriage and away from the freakshow for good. That's something she and handsome "fire eater" Johnny have in common. They fall and love and plan to leave together. However, Zambini now can read Connie's mind and has other plans in store for her and Johnny. But everyone at the carnival hates Zambini, and little does he know that Connie's not the only one who's being sent Zambini's murderous thoughts.
It doesn't bother me that this episode takes place at a carnival freakshow (though I have to say: another one?). Or that it's about yet another jealous husband / jilted lover / abusive man treating his wife / girlfriend like crap. Or that it's another twist so obvious, you'll groan. I'm going to spoil the episode for you, so skip through this if you don't want to know how it ends. What bothered me is how stupid the story manipulations are. You know exactly what the twist will be the very second you see that big ape in its' cage. First: the mind reading plot depends on him not being able to read her mind, she just reads him. So then, the first part of the twist is that SUDDENLY, he can now be sent her thoughts. And the first thought he gets is her cheating on him with Johnny. Which of course gives him an excuse to beat her. This is a cliche. A bad one. Overused and easily abused, and it's both abused and insultingly bland in this episode.
Second: he doesn't hear another of her thoughts... until she decides to run away with Johnny. So now, he only hears her when she thinks something incriminating? For her to read his mind, he has to SEND her his thoughts. She doesn't read his mind by accident. Though, by accident- he reads hers? That doesn't work, logically. Third: Zambini kills Johnny (again, totally predictable- you knew it was going to happen). Connie's only chance at happiness. She finds out and, well... she doesn't seem sad at all. Take it from someone who can empathize with a woman like her- I would at least cry over a guy like that. Especially when he's offering her a chance to escape. Fourth: her relationship with Zambini and why she stays with him depends on one thing. When he sends her his thoughts, he can yell in her head and make her head hurt and make her physically too afraid to "defy" him. At the end she just turns around and goes- "not anymore." Um... if it was that easy to keep him from invading her head... why the HELL didn't she do it before? Especially since Johnny's life was at stake!
After that, any other detail here is inconsequential and minor. But there are yet more flaws. It could have had some actual gore, but it didn't. Instead it relies on various gross-outs like nude siamese twins taking a shower and lots of other unpleasentries. I suppose it could have been scary, but it wasn't. It definitely could have been fun. Or funny. But it wasn't. Ernie Hudson (Ghostbusters) gives it his all and that's a shame. No one else does. Except for the gorilla, who may or may not be real- I actually couldn't tell. Phil Fondacaro (Troll) makes an appearence but is covered with dumb makeup. Which leaves the highpoint of the episode being a very short almost-sex scene between Joan Chen (Twin Peaks) and John Laughlin (The Hills Have Eyes Part II, The Lawnmower Man) where everything on him gets real tight. It's of course only al-most because at every turn, they rob the woman of any pleasure she might have had. Cheap, very cheap.
★
Episode #5: "People Who Live in Brass Hearses"
Plot:
The DeLuca brothers, Billy and Virgil, are bad news. Billy just got out of San Quentin after spending 2 years there for stealing money from his last job when his old boss, ice cream vendor Mr. Byrd, tattled on him. Now he's just itching for a little payback. Billy and his brother are planning a big time robbery at the warehouse where Virgil works. And Virgil's a little nervous. He just can't seem to do anything right. The big day comes and things aren't exactly going as planned. The delivery truck they try to rob drives away before they can get to it, the safe is locked before Billy can get the money out, and after Billy gives him a pep talk- Virgil kills his boss. Now they're going to do life without parole and they didn't get any money. Of course, they could always rob Mr. Byrd, couldn't they? But... well, there's something about Mr. Byrd that Billy and Virgil should really know before they go to his home.
I was all-set to write this one off; I really don't like Bill Paxton. And let's face it- after One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, Brad Dourif does all his best work offscreen. Yet, somehow, despite the two of them (or maybe, to their credit)- this episode is chock full of surprises. At first, it just goes on and on about insignificant details and you get bored. You imagine there's probably a twist coming at the end (there usually is, this is Tales from the Crypt after all), but you could care less about what it is because this episode is so damn boring. Then the twist comes... and you realize all those details you weren't paying attention to were actually significant after all. I had to watch this twice to get what was going on. On second viewing- it finally hit me. This is genius! The twist at first feels like it's cheap and comes out of nowhere (not to mention, it's just damn gross!). That's because this is not the first episode to deal with this subject matter (I'm not giving it away- trust me, you have to see this for yourself). But it's brilliantly set-up and actually has terrific resonance when you watch it a second time. The entire success of this episode is owed to Michael Lerner (Elf, the Clueless tv series) whose comedic talents have never been better served (not that I've seen), and My Big Fat Greek Wedding's Lainie Kazan. My favorite moment upon reflection: when Bill Paxton is waiting for Byrd to get out of the truck and he drives away!! Watch it twice and I think you'll get a kick out of it too. A pure shocker: another one for the Crypt Top 10.
★★★★
Episode #6: "Two for the Show"
Plot:
Andy and Emma Conway are an unhappily married couple, but Andy doesn't know it. In fact, Andy is not aware of anything beyond his job. Which is the only thing he gets passionate about. This bothers Emma because she wants someone who's passionate about her. And she's found them- she's been having an affair. So over dinner, she tells Andy she's leaving him. This upsets him so much that he kills her. Suddenly, there's a knock at the door. A police officer says a neighbor heard a scream. He searches the apartment and finds nothing. Though, he obviously smells a rat. Because when Andy hops on a train for Chicago, with Emma's body chopped up in his suitcase, the creepy officer is following him every step of the way. Andy has to get rid of the evidence. But in doing so, thinking he's got the perfect cover, he makes one big mistake...
A deeply creepy suspense "will or won't" the killer "be caught" piece, this "cop hunting" episode ranks high on the genius scale with excellent performances from the two leads. At first, you have your evil killer and your hero who is supposed to take-down the killer. You know who both are right away. But the second you know the hero is onto the killer, the roles immediately switch and the hero becomes frighteningly intense and the killer becomes so vulnerable and desperate- you can't help but identify with him. This episode has been compared to works by Alfred Hitchcock and there's a classic moment here right out of Psycho. I hated Andy at first, but then... I quickly grew to feel less bothered by what he'd done after he got on the train. It's impossible to not be made uncomfortable by how close the cop gets. He invades your space too, and Vincent Spano is so stabbingly intimate. His eyes, his accusations, and his physical presence burn right through the screen and into you. You feel like he's violating you. Which makes the twist all the more effective. One you'll never be able to guess in a million years! This episode is a cut above the rest. And it still strikes me as one of the most chilling. The music score is especially spooky.
★★★½
Episode #7: "House of Horror"
Plot:
Arling, Waters, and Henderson are 3 college kids who are willing to do almost anything to get into a fraternity but they're getting really fed up with being hazed by asshole pledge master Les Wilton. Then one day, Mona walks into the fraternity looking for a "brother house." Les invites her and her sorority sisters to the pledges' final initiation: a walk through an old haunted fraternity house where many years ago, a demented killer with a black hood and an ax was rumored to have murdered 9 people. The pledges are terrified to go in. But Mona promises them a reward if they make it all the way. Once in the house, one by one, the pledges don't seem to be making it all the way up to the attic as Mona, Les and his fraternity brothers watch the windows looking for the boys to shine their flashlights. Suddenly, they hear screams! Then a severed arm flies through one of the windows. Then... a chainsaw! What the hell is going on in that house?!?!
Overall an amusing mix of the film Hell Night with Season 2's "Television Terror," and Season 3's "Mournin' Mess." Though a long series of juvenile jokes (kissing shoes with dog poop on them and various college pranks that feel like they were hatched by The Goonies) hold it back, and this episode is light on honest scares, it's heavy on sympathetic characters (especially the adorable Wil Wheaton and the seldom-seen Meredith Salenger) and fairly old-fashioned kid-friendly Halloween novelty antics ("creepy" sound effects, body parts that are probably fake, costumes with masks, fake blood, and dares to go into the haunted-house). That's about all there is to it. It's a "take it or leave it" 30-minutes that'll appeal a little more to the Goosebumps or Are You Afraid of the Dark? crowd than people looking for another "Television Terror" episode. And with Brian Krause (Charmed, Sleepwalkers) steaming up the place and Wil Wheaton crawling around in nothing but briefs... I'll take it.
★★★
Episode #8: "Well Cooked Hams"
Plot:
Miles Federman is a pathetic amateur magician who wants fame and success at any cost. As a former assistant to Zorbin the Magnificent, a man who seems to have disappeared into thin air, it's a shame that Miles didn't pick up any of Zorbin's old tricks. Though he does have Zorbin's treasured family heirloom- the medallion that he never took off. Miles says Zorbin gave it to him, but his former assistant Greta doesn't believe him. Then one night, in walks Kraygen who says Miles should check out his show. He does and Kraygen's trademark illusion, the terrifying "Box of Death," brings down the house! Miles must know how he did it. He confronts Kraygen backstage, threatening to kill him if he doesn't tell Miles how to copy the illusion. But some dogs just can't be taught tricks.
All good things must come to an end. And this is the first episode that starts this season onto the downward spiral. From wence it barely recovers. Obviously the "ham" in that title refers to actor Billy Zane, who's almost always stunningly sexy and charming but plays some of the biggest jerks to ever be seen on the big or small screens. His scumbag routine gets me on the side of anyone who's against him. In this case, it's a former assistant and his former mentor (Martin Sheen, in heavy makeup). Although revenge in this episode is particularly sweet, I'm afraid it's a painfully dull half-hour. Another period piece, which usually means: snoozefest. Why people still put more energy into making the period look believable than making the actual writing and acting interesting is beyond me. It lacks creepiness (which is depressing, considering how intense the grandness of death-defying magic tricks can be sometimes). And the villain in this case is just boring. Zane is not trying at all- he ruins at least 2 truly brilliant lines of dialogue which would have been satisfying coming from someone else's lips. And after the first episode this season, watching Martin Sheen do the same thing Tim Curry already did... Well, it just shows us what bad shape his career was in at the time. Not as irritating as "Food for Thought," but it comes damn close. Lame twist too. Skip it.
★½
Episode #9: "Creep Course"
Plot:
Stella Bishop is a college student. A very good student, to be exact. She always gets the highest grades. This comes to the attention of her fellow classmate in Egyptology, football star Reggie Skulnick, who flirts with her to get her to help him on his midterm exam. She agrees. However, he later insists that he'll never learn the curriculum in time. What he wants is for her to help him break into their Professor's home to steal a copy of the exam so he can cheat his way to a passing grade. Because if he doesn't pass the midterm, he will be ineligble to continue playing football. She agrees, after he makes her a very attractive offer. However, when they get to the Professor's home on the night, Stella finds that she's been tricked. Now she's going to need to use all her knowledge from class if she wants to make it out of this strange trap alive!
Here's another episode that strikes me as being incredibly Goosebumps-esque (just so I can be sure you understand me- I'm talking about the R.L. Stein series of scary story books for children). And another ruled by a sympathetic main character. I liked the girl, the twists are especially flattering to her, and those who do wrong get what's coming to them. It lacks finese, but it's never short on ideas. I especially enjoyed that all the characters' ends are tied together by a common theme - not paying attenton to other people. And there's a great 'student becomes the teacher' subplot. Is it irony? I don't know, but it works. Some Crypt fans have remarked that the very last piece of the episode is a bit...odd. In the wrong kind of way. It definitely recalls the kind of insane b.s. seen in lesser episodes such as Season 4's "Beauty Rest" and Season 1's "Lover Come Hack to Me." But it's only the last 35 seconds. And, after all, this show was based on a pretty ridiculous comic book series. Wasn't it? I've seen worse.
★★½
Episode #10: "Came the Dawn"
Plot:
Roger is a handsome businessman with a big, empty cabin, and on his own for the night with nothing to do. As he drives down the rainy road, he happens upon an attractive young woman, Norma, whose truck has broken down. He offers her a ride. But she doesn't have the money to afford a night at a motel, so he offers her a room at his cabin. He's being awfully generous, isn't he? Then, when he goes to the local general store and she's alone, his carphone rings- it's a woman claiming to know Roger. While inside the store, the counter man tells Roger there's a murderer on the loose who killed a woman nearby a few nights ago. Suddenly, Roger and Norma become very suspicious of each other. Norma's been lying to Roger all night and Roger hasn't told Norma everything she needs to know about him. Both have a history of bad relationships, both like surprises, and both have surprises in store for the other. Is one of them the killer? And what other secrets are they hiding?
It's a shame this episode is on the lesser half of this season. It had so much potential. A classic premise, good ideas, and some cool slasher movie elements. Mysterious and beautiful angry woman picked up by suspicious guy with questionable motives, news of a killer circulating, they go to cabin in woods, there's greed involved, a seduction takes place, a love-triangle develops with an unseen 3rd party. Who's the killer? Where / when will they strike next? And which one of our two scummy characters will be the next victim? It would be a lot more fun if it weren't hampered by, well... sometimes, it's bad dialogue (why the hell would any woman laugh at a line as bad as: "the demeure way they go to the bathroom with their skirts hiked up around their waists"?!?!). Sometimes it's how unsophisticated Brooke Shields' performance is. She lacks the grace to connect her dots. She hits a few of the right notes but not all of them. She's not scary enough. But then again, neither are any of the other characters. This one is trashy but it lacks creepiness. Oh... and the twist really sucks.
★★
Episode #11: "Oil's Well That Ends Well"
Plot:
Gina is a sexy, savvy older woman with an eye for how to make a killing in investments. Carl is her boy-toy partner. Together, they really get off on scamming other people. By involving them in what they know is a con, then each time double-crossing their new partners, and running off with the money while the partners wait for their end of the pay-off which never comes. This time they have their sights set on something real big: oil. And so far, they've got 4 new partners and $5,000 from each of them. $20,000 is a lot... But, when they propose she get involved with them on a land deal and she has a chance to make over $200,000 more when she runs, she goes for it. Carl warns her that her greed is going to get her in trouble. It does. But Gina has a lot of tricks up her sleeve and if she's going down, she's not going down alone.
Priscilla Presley, naturally from the hilarious Naked Gun trilogy, only seems to act in projects that are - for one reason or another - complete jokes. This one is no exception. A fairly lousy and overly campy riff on sexism and the hypocrasy of feminism with a blinding number of characters. Presley rants loudly in floppy monotone and kicks shallow ass, but not before the Southern-accented gang of woman-haters get in some double-edged digs at her. The twist is a good idea but one neat explosion comes too late in the game and you have to wish there were a reason for there being so many people we have to listen to go on and on (including Motel Hell villain Rory Calhoun, whose throat is so dry he can barely speak, and The Howling's Noble Willingham). A character remarks about the desert-cemetery, "this place gives me the creeps." Really? Then, you're the only one getting them. Maybe with fewer guys and better re-writes at the dialogue, there could be room for some much-needed atmosphere. Too much talk here. And most of it cheap.
★★
Episode #12: "Half-Way Horrible"
Plot:
Roger Lassen is the owner of a big-time international chemical corporation who's on the verge of a major breakthrough: a new preservative that will keep food from spoiling. Ever! Wow, that's amazing. How did he do it? Well, it's a long story. One that takes us back six years ago to when Roger and a small group of colleagues were in Brazil, researching tribal zombification rites. That's where Roger developed his chemical. Unfortunately, to get where he is now, Roger had to do some terrible things. He had to explore his dark half. Now those past transgressions are coming back to haunt him. His former colleagues are turning up dead and horrible warnings show up written in Roger's home. He is horrified to learn that not all his old friends are actually dead. And worse yet- Roger himself may be the killer! He's cursed. And he's under suspicion from the local police. Now, Roger's going to have to face his dark half and pay the price for his success.
Clancy Brown, famous for being Mr. Crabs on SpongeBob SquarePants but also well-known in cult circles as the sadistic zombie-sheriff in the shitty Pet Sematary Two, gets to be a zombie again. In yet another voodoo-themed episode which goes through the motions, all of them tepid. Jon Tenney (the Masters of Horror episode "Homecoming") and Charles Martin Smith (Starman) also star and get really dumb supporting roles. Especially Smith who looks incredibly uncomfortable and unloads an insane amount of irritating one-liners in maybe a minute's screentime. And then, flashbacks. Can anyone shoot a voodoo-themed movie or show without going to the jungle? This time, I'm really not in the mood. It's not aesthetically interesting. At least, not this time. You see one jungle and one native cannibal tribe in National Geographic- you've seen them all. Martin Kove (The Last House on the Left) also snores his way through a tiny role, and his hair looks horrible. Only Cheech Marin, his 20-second voodoo ceremony, and Clancy's eventual psychotic breakdown (especially since this guy's a really big boy- watching him squirm around in a chair, especially in dress clothing, is very interesting to say the least) keep this from being a total failure. Here's one spineless, back-stabbing villain I was rooting for. Though only by default, because his friends are utter morons. This one just wants to be the voodoo Re-Animator, with blue glo-stick juice rather than green. Or, season 3's vastly superior "Abra Cadaver." Either way- an epic failure. Skip.
★★
Episode #13: "'Til Death Do We Part"
Plot:
Johnny and Lucy are in love. Aww... isn't that sweet? There's just one problem. And it's a biggie: Johnny is owned by someone else. He's considered the property of business woman Ruthless Ruth Brazzi, the wife of an ex-gangster. And the "ex" implies that he isn't around anymore. Word has it that Ruth killed him. Word also has it, and this comes from Ruth herself, that Lucy's not the first girl Johnny's taken a liking to since being 'hired' by Ruth. All Johnny's girls have a habit of turning up dead. Lucy wants to leave the night club life and Johnny wants what's in Ruth's private safe. Together, they figure they can make a great escape. So long as Ruth doesn't find out. If she does, it could be curtains for both of them!
This episode is based on some really lame ideas. But admittedly, they do bare fruit and blossom into a few minutes of good television. Through flashes back, forward, and sideways into the mind of John (Full House) Stamos' smiles-on-the-outside but crying-on-the-inside manwhore, this one manages to go further into character details than most from this show. At least, that's surely what writer-director W. Peter Iliff's script intended. What it really is is a constant twist episode. Sometimes, it delivers a couple inspired human moments (especially Eileen Brennan's "sweet-nature" humiliation). But the reality here is- the whole thing rides on a pair of good looking faces. The cliches take hold right away and make it tame, the acting fails to cap the promising character starters, several touches of humor are unnecessary, and the episode's desire for sympathy never gets past the shallow quality of John Stamos's prettyboy face. The man is simply not deep enough to pull this off. He's not a great actor. Nor is his love interest, though her scant-clad dressing tendancy does make for one of my favorite dialogue-trades of the series; Eileen Brennan's reaction to finding Kate Vernon in her underwear is a howler.
★★½