Shelley Duvall's Faerie Tale Theatre

[nopersonality]

★★★

Was fast on its' way to outdoing Duvall-Theater's version of Little Red Riding Hood. The first 20 minutes are a non-stop laugh riot, jam-packed full of howler lines (Fairy Godmother: "Solving your own problems is part of growing up, I just show up for special occasions" - Cinderella: "It's just that I wish you would've been there when my stepsisters tied me to the bannister and..." - Godmother: "Look here! Do you want to go to the ball?"). Grease's Eve Arden (the school principal, you know her: "if you can't be an athlete, be an athletic supporter") is a camp comedy dream as the nasty Stepmother and the dialogue between her and Beals' Cinderella is brilliant. It's so good, I have to quote.

Cinderella: "Stepmother, may I ask a question? I must know why you and my stepsisters treat me with such contempt. You know, I try to be kind and forgiving but the nicer I am, the worse you treat me."

Stepmother: "The answer is very simple, my dear. You see, nature has been very kind to you. You've been blessed with incredible beauty, a sweet disposition, and a loving heart. These are qualities that are totally absent from myself and my daughters. Therefore, in order to balance the scales of nature, which have been unfairly tipped in your favor, it is only right that we should treat you like dirt."

Carrie's Edie McClurg and Jane Alden are also hilarious as the stepsisters. The actors clearly know this is a spoof and so McClurg hams it up like it's the last thing she'll ever be seen in (you may also remember her as the sassy receptionist at the rental car place in Trains, Planes, and Automobiles... or the sassy secretary in Curly Sue). The characters are outrageous. At one point the almost robotic Beals intentionally whines like a spoiled child ("I wanted... I wanna go...to- the- baaaalll!"), and later on after the Godmother shows up, she actually begins to get greedy. In subtle, shocking outbursts. It makes sense when you consider the abuse she suffered but it's still shocking.

However, this falls short of Little Red Riding Hood quality. All in the Family's Jean Stapleton slows everything up as a brassy, down home-style Fairy Godmother when the character's sense of humor could probably use more energy and less- "hey, I know her from somewhere, don't I?" comfort-casting (knowing how everyone were duty bound to like her put-upon Edith Bunker). Then, Matthew Broderick, who is surprisingly too intense in the role to make any of the humor designed for his character work. He turns the whole thing much too serious, which then rubs off on Beals and she gets too serious. Finally, James Noble as the King. Where every word out of his mouth comes off as dull. Near Dark's Tim Thomerson does a much better job and is a great deal more entertaining as Broderick's royal adviser. He should have been the king.

[nopersonality]

★★

Duvall intros this by basically saying it will not be a funny fairy tale, but instead a scary one. She was wrong. And that becomes blindingly apparent when the name "Ricky Shroder" flashes across the screen. The girl playing Gretel to his obvious Hansel gets almost as much screentime but despite Paul Dooley and Joan Collins playing the parents, he's the star. Regrettably. The "hard realistic" drama here is heavy-handed at best but there are a few good bits along the way. Joan Collins' over-the-top hag of a housewife rivals the witch character. IMDb tells me Collins plays the witch too, but I have a hard time believing that. Except for one thing... the witch is at all times plastered in dusty-green face paint. Cannon's far superior version of Hansel & Gretel featured Cloris Leachman in the witch role and she was actually a great deal more believable playing nice. As were the child actors at being just naive enough to buy into her front. Not these two. One of the only two stray scenes worth mentioning is the inevitable moment where Gretel shoves witchiepoo - and her broomstick - into the oven. The door won't shut because the end of the broom is in the way. So Gretel has to snap it off, but this takes nearly a dozen tries. The other, and this is where we would hope it is Collins, is a freakish moment where the witch has a monologue-driven orgasm revelation describing to us what it's like to eat fat young boys. This would mirror an earlier scene where Collins as housewife has a complete mental breakdown, screams at God to save her in bed (a bunkbed - with the two children above hearing every word she shrieks) next to a pretending-not-to-hear-her Dooley, and threatens to "do herself in" with an ax. Disappointingly, when the children save themselves at the end and rush back to their father's cabin, he just says - "oh your stepmother is dead. But we're together." What? When? How?

Ug.

[nopersonality]

★★★★

As a kid, I think I was disappointed by this. As an adult- I had a ball! To say this is not typically the way you tell a fairy tale would be putting it mildly. This entry in Shelley Duvall's (who looks great as a blonde) Faerie Tale Theatre is hilarious and downright strange. This takes place before cabins in the woods had electricity- yet when her clothes get wrinkled, (little red riding hood) Mary's mother uses an electric iron to fix them up. Also, when planning her birthday party, Mary's mother pulls out Streamer samples (I doubt those had been invented then either). The wolf reads a self-help book. The father is a gas, too. When Mary's party only has 2 people there, his reason for being angry is that he's stuck being "the life of the party." Trust me, it's funny when you see it. And- I haven't even gotten to Grandma yet! When Mary knocks on her door, she shouts: "I'm naked!" Then, while having her heart-to-heart talk with Mary, she's pounding walnuts on the table and pieces are hitting Mary right in the face. A minute later, she tells Mary to "put the walnuts away; I think I'm going to throw up."

[StevePulaski]

Great set of reviews man.